LOCAL GOSSIP.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVI, Issue 11056, 6 May 1899, Page 1 (Supplement)

LOCAL GOSSIP.

Let me havo audience for a word or two. Shnkexpere. In the Samoan trouble tlio allied Powers vent up like a rocket, and have come down like a stick. It would have been far better never to have gone into the dispute, unless it was, intended to go through with it and come out "top of the heap." Experience of savage races shows that there can be no peace until the civilising Power has proved its superiority in arms as well as ill arts. It seems the Soudan business over again; just when the punitive force was on the eve of reaping the fruits of its sacrifices, the Word was passed to consult present ease rather than future gain, and the policy of "Scuttle" was adopted, only to have the blunder wiped out in years to come In tears and blood. As (ho Samoan embroglio stands now, it was not worth the bones of a single " friendly," to say nothing of a single English or American bluejacket.

Some time ago the University students petitioned that the "capping ceremony" should be resuscitated, instead of the University diploma being sent through the parcel post. •• this side lip with care," and promised that tho proceedings should be conducted decorously if their request were granted. At University Commemoration Day 111 Sydney, recently, the students had a great turn-out, hiring all the available animals, of Fitzgerald's Circus, and paraded through the town to the University Hall, where tho " capping ceremony" took place, Ihe great figures in the procession were the Federation Twins, " Toby " and" " YesNo, mounted on two of the largest draught horses in Sydney, preceded by a drummer and trumpeter. At the ceremony, the 1 rentier (Hon. Geo. Reid) appeared for the first time in public in the red silk gown and cap of a Doctoi of Civil Law (a degree conferred on him at Jubilee time), in winch rather brilliant garb he was not at first recognised (like our own King Richard in Lis Court suit), until a voice called out, "It's only the same old George;" "Try the cap on, Ueorgie;" "Do us a somersault,' and st forth. And when .he referred to having just "found time to tear himself away from a scries of important political engagements," another voice inteijeeted, "and wriggles!" It is said the Premier had a very rough time of it, indeed. and some of the remarks were far from complimentary. Whatevei may have been the vacillation of the Premier of New South Wales at the outset of the Federation movement, his subsequent conduct has been patriotic and statesmanlike, and ho has made a not unimportant page in the history of New South Wales and of Australia.

Some of the Sydney debating clubs and mutual improvement societies have never forgiven Lib" Yes-No" attitude, and accordingly have started a series of "Yes-No" debates, in which the speakers support 0110 side of the question for ten minutes, and " bust their own show up" in another ten minutes allowed. This is a wrinkle for the Auckland "imps.," and some of our local "wobblers" should shine in "Yes-No" debates, and take the biscuit. Talking of "Yes-No' debates, it reminds me that the toil, member for Newton in the olden time (Mr. George Graham) was accustomed to " commence his speech in the middle, and work it out simultaneously to both ends," and that Sir Dillon Bell was accustomed in the same General Assembly to " speak on both sides, and then voted in the middle 1"

In the list of imports by the s.s. Elingamite from Sydney was " six crates of tanglefoot." What does this ominous item mean? and what will the Rev. L. M. Isitt say to this importation? The Prohibition party should look into the business. Has it been introduced from Sydney for the gumdiggers, the Aitstrians, or the " co-ops." at the King Country, or the natives attending a Rotorua Native Lands Court?

'file Samoan trouble appears to be very much like, > little difficulty we had with " Ooji Mooji," and of Mataafa it may be said; — Now the king of Ooji Mooji is a comiu' of his tricks. Abased the British Consul, and 'es chucked 'is wooden bricks, 'E won't do kindergarten, and 'es learned 'is lesson wrong; Altogether Ooji Mooji 'is a comin' of it strong. Then our captain he did an' 'andsomo kind of thing, For he made a proclamation that the " nevvy" of the king, A funny little coloured kid, with a. sat on sorter face, Should rule the Ooji Mooji, and should take 'is uncle's place. 80 we dressed him up in velvets, and we fed him up on buns, And wo gave a bit of bunting a salute of 20 guns ; An' the doctor, to complete 'im, was a teachin' 'ira to mill. When 'is 'ighness put 'is veto on the Education Bill. Then 'es cheeked the British Consul, and 'es cursed the doctor's wife, And 'es chased 'is kind old tutor with a bloomin' carvin' knife; , Burnt 'is book and tore 'is grammar, said it was not good foi 'ealth. Boned some whisky from the general, and unchristianised 'iaself. So we're off to Ooji Mooji, and we must not be detained, For relations diplomatic are become a littlo strained; Situation complicated; warships ordered to the scene; 'And all because a nigger kiddy's playin' truant to the Queen. Our public benevolence appears to be running to seed, and the number of philanthropic societies is now Legion. Two or three new ones in a single week is not a bad record. For instance, a lady conies from Wellington, and endeavours to form a branch of some society she has founded in Wellington. One would think it might be left to the ladies of out own city to know something of its wants in this respect, rather than visitors. At the meeting convened to discuss the matter, an adverse decision was arrived at, on the score that the ground was already covered, and of overlapping, but the lady would not take "No" tor an answei, but calmly goes on with the formation of her society. Close upon the heels of this attempt to round a new institution comes talk of another, dealing with another phase of philanthropy. The elements of that movement are so discordant, and the practical difficulties in front of it st great, that it may be safely predicted that its career will be a short and merry one.

Anyone who will read the reports on certain philanthropic institutions in Sydney, and the scandals which have arisen in respect of some 01 them, will understand thi 1 desire to have a Charity Organisation Society in that city, to prevent the evils which Lave arisen in Melbourne, and the scandals which have been unearthed in Victoria through the action of such a society. Some of the statements made show that the grossest overlapping prevailed, and that the charity of the public was in some case* simply wasted. The administration .the London charities, with a revenue of about£2,ooo,ooo, has been an object lesson tor years past of, in numerous cases, misdirected charity. Everywhere it is the same story, the blatant frauds quartet themselves on the charity, and the modest sufferer is hustled to the wall. What we are doing here is to destroy self-respect, self-reliance, and the stimulus to industry and thrift. We are blotting out filial piety and reverence for parents, by relieving children of the sacred duty to maintain those who brought them into the world. As we sow we may ejpect to reap, and the harvest gathered in by the rising generation is one which can only be viewed with apprehension,.

I notice that the Mayor and Mr. 3.. Kidd have been appointed a sub-committee to see about matters in connection with the purity of the water of the Western Springs. Inat involves several trips tc the springs, but so far no "little bill" to the City Council. A Southern council has riot been so fortunate. A committee of nine, two officials, and a visitor, went out for a day s outing on municipal business, and the.council received a bill for £11 4s 6d, which included five guineas for eatables, a dozen each ot ouudog, cider, Kilmarnock whisky, sgdawater,

i e S ade '. gin Ber8 er a '°> respectively; 100 c)' 1 at)( 250 cigarettes. The ™S intelligence has been rcceivrd by the .„j, J - V ? rs that the chairman of the comlik •aS S 'i" Ce l ,a '<l for the liquor out of "lie.!™ » ? , et ' But whether '1 16 word liquor simply covers the bull-dog and Kilviii«V" l " C - whisky, or embraces the "softbluK, is a moot point

In a suburban settlement a poster was disced °" the hoardings, that on Sunday nn "H » l W w preacher would discourse on » Hell, Where It Is ' and How to Reach In l i W i"® P' underneath, in view of "cat developments, "Members of the ol °ugh Council, and volunteers in uniform, aimly welcomed." The rival parson, not to be outdone by the other "sky pilot," advertised his sermon as on " Heaven." Now tno bucolic residents are in a quandary as to 'ether they will on Sunday evening next go to heaven or hell. ■

Liu vers sometimes come off second best Mien cross-examining witnesses. Hero is a case in point. The other day at the Magislate Court, "a mimbali av the Bat " said ,o a witness in tones meant to he sarcastic, ow old are you?" The witness, who appeared to be a young man, well on in the w enties, was rather astonished at the queslon, but- before he had time to reply the piesi ing magistrate said, " Don't answer the question, The lawyer, howevei, appeared to be under the erroneous impression that •6 lad scored a point, for on asking another question he added, " You , ire old enough to explain it." "Don't use that expression, interjected the magistrate. " its insulting.-. Then the turn of the witness came. let another question, an dtlie crossexamining counsel, still wishing to be facetious, remarked as a secondary interrogation, » v°" understand my question, don't you?" . *..' answered the witness, with a twinkle in his eye, ."I am not old enough." " Well, i, v assume that you are," said counsel, les, do, exclaimed the Bench, "time is precious, gentlemen," and the hearing of the case proceeded. Thus was tho lawyer's wit expended, but to whose advantage?

It is rather rough that' the Red Cross Society should he defeated by the Medical otall Corps by six points in a bandaging competition. But it only goes to show that woman is 'too emotional," for when they saw some of the subjects submitted to their tender care they lost precious time by " blowtng a sympathetic nose and wiping awaj a tear. Of ( course the only practical bandaging remedy in such eases was a. "sleeve round the neck, with «'». . arm in it," Still the competition "drew" line a fly blister, and I hear that the Red Cross Society purpose cumin" up to time again smiling. If all 1 hear about the bandages, the "subjects," and the handicap which the Medical Staff Onis had in superior and lengthier training be correct, there was not much to boast about in tho victory.

It seems that last Sunday evening two fashionably-dressed and somewhat elderly ladles entered the vestibule of one of the leading hotels in Auckland. The hostess, a most polite lady, happened to be there. One of the ladies accosted her, saying, " May we gc upstairs?" The hostess 'said, " Oil, yes, certainly," and accompanied them upstairs. The ladies peered furtively into some rooms, and finally were shown into the drawing-room by the hostess. One of the ladies said, "We are very ill, and have had to leave the church hurriedly; can you let us have two whiskies and seltzer; we want to catch the half-past eight train." The hostess replied. 'I cannot serve you, for we do not open the bar on Sunday." The ladies pleaded that they felt so ill that the hostess, kindly to her kind, went to her husband in an adjoining, room laid the matter before him, and lie at once said, "If the ladies will bring a doctor's certificate that it is absolutely necessary for the preservation or their health or" lives, I will open the bai and serve them." This having been communicated, the ladies left. It seems that the ladies are known, and it is believed they Kere.ijjigaged in the business ot trapping.

It is replied that the Sirdar, Lord Kitchener, when lie received the communication that he had been elected an honorary member of the Naval Coastguards of Auckand explained," Where in tlnmdei is Auckland, explained, " Where in thunder is Auckons atlases, he found it, and wroto the courteous note lie senr in reply. Perhaps ho considers it as high an honour as his peerage. "J.M." has been meditating on the subject- of liquid air, and sends me the following results: — I ve not tho slightest knowledge How to liquefy the air ; mi en I went to college "here was no such "liquid" chair, But, by the mighty dollar! m »e will navigate old Mars— The '• New Slave" wo will collar And visit all the stars! What fun we'll have annexing Ev'ry planet in our track! Our efforts ne'er relaxing To plant the Union Jack. As round the orbs we're howling We will roloniso the sky, Amid the thunder roiling Through the firmament on high. For the time is fast approaching When we'll sail up to the moon, And then we'll do our coaching In a very big balloon. »e'll write a lucid hist'ry Of ev'ry brilliant star. And clear up ev-ry myst'ry While in our aerial car. We'll circumvent- the nations, And we'll find out all their tricks; We'll spoil their machinations, And we'll put them in a fix. We'd cause such consternation, And unmitigated woes By raining devastation On the heads of Britain's foes ! JIEHCUTIO.