ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXII, Issue 10014, 28 December 1895, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Lady: "Didn'tyou hear mo ring, Mary?* Mary : " Not till the third time, in'in." Young Man : " What did your daddy sav when he heard I had kissed your sister Little Girl: " Ho said that was encour.uring." Bachclor : "I am told that, a married man can live on half the income that a single man requires." Married Man Yea. lie has to." The Philanthropist: "In giving you that quarter, sir, I'm afraid I've befriended a hard drinker " The Beneficiary : "You're mistaken tiii.« time, sir ; drinking is one ol the easiest things I do." Customer: "What has becamo of youi assistant?" Barber; " Started for himself, He is tired of working by day, I suppose. 1 ' Customer: " I thought you paid him >c much a thousand words." "They say," said the prudent man, " tljat a man who never drinks nor smoke-, nor slays up late at night, always lives to a great ago." " Yes." replied his very bla«o friend, with a yawn ; " that's his punishment,."

A Polite Way of Puttinglt. — Hoad-waiter (toman about to leave tho premises without paying): "Should you happen to miss your purse, sir,you will please bear in mind that you didn't take it) out whilo you wore here."

Clothier: " V'cro you ploaeed with the overcoat which i sold you ?" Customer: "Oh, yes; all my boys have worn it." Clothier: "Well, think of that." Cus« tomer: " Every time after a rain the next smallest one had to take it." Mr. Brown (visiting his stables) i Patrick, you are becoming lazy. Do you over clean up the stable ? Look nt all those cobweb?." Patrick: "Well, tor, I lav» thim cobwibs there fur to ketch the flies an provint thim plaguin' the horses." Paddy had a pig which he regularly crammed one day and starved the next. When asked why ho- did to, he replied i " Och, sure, and isn't it I that like to hnvj my bacon with a strake of fat and a strakg o' lane aqually, one after t'other ?" "Air. Stalhte,"sho murmured, "do you remember when, in 1804, we sat up to watch the now year in?'' " Yos," he replied, rapturously. " Well, don't you—don't) you—" "Don't I what?" "Don't you think wo aro beginning rather early this year?" Mrs. inks: "My husband did not like that tea you sent us last." (iroccr (politely): " Did you liko it, madam ?" Mrs. Jinks: " Yes, I liked it." Grocer (to clerk): "James, Bond Mrs. .links another pound of the same tea sho had last. Anything else, madam ?" Man with awful toothache meets a friend and tells his woes. The Friend : " Ah, I had just as bad a toothache as you yesterday, and I went home, and my wife potted me, and kissed me, and made much of me, and the toothache disappeared. You take my tip." The Acheyone: "Is your wife at homo, do you think ?" Mrs. Perkins (calmly reminiscent) i " Jonathan, we've been married forty years next Tuesday, an' never had a cross word it." Mr. Perkins : "I know it; I've stood yer jawin 1 purty well." Mrs. l'erkini; "Jonathan Perkins,you'roa mean, hateful, deceitful old thing, an' I wouldn't marry yer agin for lovo nor money.' Yacht; Owner (at the helm): 'To you know that the nautical term 'starboard' comes from stcerboard, and was formerly at tlio right side of the boat instead of at tho stem?" Hired Sailor: " No, sir, I hain't much booklarnin', but I know if you don't move that steerboard, as you call it, a little more to starboard, we'll be upsot " Magistrate (to prisoner): "You were caught in the act of opening a' bedroom window." Prisoner: " Yes, your worship; I believe in hygiene, and I was only going to open the window an inch or two for the benefit of the occupant's health. It's frightfully unhealthy to sleep with yout bedroom window completely shut up, yout worship 1" A man went to a solicitor, laid before him a caso in dispute, and then asked him if lie would undertake to win the suit"Certainly," replied the solicitor, " I will readily undertake tlio case. We are sure to win I" "So you really think it i.« a R°o'; case?" " Undoubtedly, my dear sir. lain prepared to guarantee you will seeuro o verdict in your favour." " Very good, sir: I'm much obliged to you, but I don't think I'll {jo in for law this time; for, you see, the case I havo laid before you is uij opponent's 1"

Eso's '' Fruit Salt."—" I travel by rat between twenty and thirty thousand miles eacli year, and in my opinion there is no mode of travel iing so debilitating to the human system asilut For a tons time I suffered from nervousness, slugti-t liver, indigestion, flatulency, anil most of the ad nients common to those who travel a |!'» d ileal After trying many and'all more or less -nu thl.-s; remedies, I was induced to try your PIU'IT SALT, and since doing so (nine months' ago) I may indeed say I am a new man, and now I never consider my portmanteau packed unless there is a bottle "I ENO'S 'FRUIT SALT in it. I think it right to recommend it in every way—hence this letter-for I am sure it needs hat to he tried, and no tt ivoller would think of being without so great a friend in all cases of need. I enclose my card, ami am faithfully yours, TRUTH. The Trossachs Hotel. l.nob Katrine, Callander, X B„ 27th June, 1SS:!." i'»i ■ TION.-Legal rights are protected in every civilised country. Examine each bottle, and see that the capsule is marked Kilo's "Fruit Salt;" without it you have been imposed on by worthless imitations. —Sold by all Chemists. *