ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXII, Issue 9775, 23 March 1895, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

She : "Is kissing proper ?" He : " Let's put our heads together and consider."

Scene : A Sunday - school. Teacher: "What is an Epistle?" After a pause a pupil answers : " Please, sir, the wife of an Apostle."

Why are ladies the biggest thieves in existence ? Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, crib their babies, and hook their eyes.

A negro was scalded to death from a boiler explosion, and on his tombstone they chiselled deeply: " Sacred to the memory of our 'steamed friend." The Wife: "How did you dare, sir, to scold me before Mrs. Caller The Husband : " Well, you know, Maria, 1 daren't scold you when we are by ourselves."

Indefinite.—"What is his profession?" said one girl. " He's a capitalist," replied the other. "He looks like an artist.' 1 "Oh, hois. He makes the capital letters that begin the magazine articles."

" la it a sin," asked a fashionable lady of her spiritual director, " for me to feel pleasure when a gentleman says I am handsome?" "It is, my daughter," he replied gravely. "We should never delight in falsehood."

An American paper says:— is editorial courtesy? Why it is when a newspaper editor is caught stealing chickens at midnignt, and his brother editors kindly allude to the matter as ' Strange freak of a somnambulist.' "

Jim : " Honesty is the best policy arbec all." Bill: " How ?" " Remember that dog I stole?" " Yea." " Well, I tried two hull days to sell 'm, an' no one offered more'n five shillings, so I went, like a honest man, an' guv him to th' ole lady who owned him, an' she guv me a suvrinV Nice Old Lady : " Will you kindly tell me if the lady who writes the ' Mothers' Page' in your paper is in ? I want to tell her how much I enjoyed reading hot articles on 'The Evening Hour in tho Nursery.'" Office Boy : "That's him over there wid the pink shirs, smokin' a cigaroot."

A magistrate who prided himself on hi* sense of justice was called to estimate the damages which a cow had done in a garden. He viewed the premises and gave liberal damages, whereupon he was introduced to the marauding cow, which turned oub to bo his own, whereat the conscientious magistrate was enraged. The woman emancipationist had tackled the serene old bachelor. He squirmed occasionally, but he retained his serenity. " Have you ever done anything for the emancipation of women, I'd like to know ?" she said- coming down the home stretch. " Indeed I have, madam," be smiled ; " I have remained a bachelor."

At a reception in Paris, a traveller, who was a strong " Anti-Semitic," was talking to Rothschild on the beauties of the island of Tahiti, and sarcastically remarked, " There are neither hogs nor Jews there !" " Indeed ?" retorted Rothschild. " Then you and I should go there together. We should be great curiosities." Two gentlemen who were very close, but who put on a great deal of style, met recently in a gallery of a theatre. Each was chagrined to be seen by the other in the cheapest place in the house. " What brings you up here?" "To tell the truth, I've gob a fearful cold in my head, and as the heat ascends I came up here where it is warm. Besides, I'm a fearful sufferer from rheumatism — but what brings you up here "My opera-glass." "Your operaglass?" " Yes, it enlarges too much. I can't see from the boxes what is going on on the stage. I have to come up here in the gallery to be able to see at all with it."