ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIX, Issue 9040, 19 November 1892, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Patient: "I guess I'm about well, ain't I?" Doctor : " Almost." Patient "What's my bill ?" Doctor: " You're not quite strong enough for that yet." The young man : "Grade, what is it your father sees in me to object) to, darling ?" "He doesn'tsee anything in you, Algernon ; that's why he objects." "How is your wife getting on ?" " She's improving slowly. She is not well enough to attend to her household duties yet,, but yesterday she was out shopping." An analysing dame reports that" she had heard of but one old woman who kissed her cow ; but she knows of many thousands of young ones who have kissed very great calves."

Minister (to dying sinner): " I'm afraid you won't go to heaven." Miser (dolefully): "Oh, Lord ! And I gave two dollars to the church la6t year. Has that money been thrown away for nothing ?" Husband (of a month): My love, what cook book do you use ?" Bride: " Sometimes one and sometimes another. Ma and grandma and my six aunts gave me about a dozen of 'em." Husband (meditatively): "I wonder how it would do nob to use any for awhile."

Queen Caroline once Inquired of Mr. Pitt the elder what it would cost to shut up the London public parks and make them private grounds. Mr. Pitt knew that the people would never submit to this, bub his answer was polite. " Three crowns, your Majesty," was his reply. A missionary among the Indians in Manitoba said in a gathering of Christians the other day that he knew of a chief whose name was " Man-Afraid-ofNobody." He married a dusky Xantippe, and, before the honeymoon ended, called the tribe together and asked to have his name chanced.

Collector : " Can I see Mr. Wiggles ?" Office-boy (promptly): "No, sir." Collector (sharply) : " Why can't I?" Office-boy (looking around the otherwise vacant office): " That's a pretty sorb of a question for a grown man like you to be asking a boy like me, ain't it?" Collector stands corrected.

Levi, jun. : " Padder, de shentlemans vob puys te tiamant engagement ring yesterday comes py te shop to-day ant pawned it." Levi, sen.: "How vos he look?" Levi, jun. : " All proken down." Levi, sen. : " Vill you never learn to take interest in te pizness? Vy didn't you try and sell te shentlemans a pistol ?" Philanthropist : " Why are you crying so, my child ?" Little girl: " Please, sir, me mudder sent me wid fourpence to get bread wid, an' I lost ib in that there dark alleyway. I'll be licked terrible." Philanthropist : " Well, well, my poor child ; dry your tears. Here is— a match. Perhaps you may be able to find it." Tommy Uptodate (to his disobedient father): " I'm sorry to hear, sir, that you have been disobeying me again. The disobedience of parents is often the source of a great deal of uneasiness to children. Men who commit the blackest of crimes generally begin their downward career by being disobedient to their children." *