ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIX, Issue 8842, 2 April 1892, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

A DF.ADAVOOD man—A cigar store Indian. The barber is the head man of the community. Alas for the man who endeavors to beat up under misfortune. The world is slow to believe that a sin is black as long as it pays well. Made of the missed—What you win on your opponent's bob-tail flush. Partial payments seem hard enough to the schoolboy, but he finds them harder stiil when he grows up. Every man thinks he is about right him' self. An old Quaker said to his wife, "All the world is queer except thee and me, and thee is a little queer." He: "You're heartless and cruel. Why did you go on encouraging me ? Why did you not tell me you were married ?" She: " But how was I to know you were single ?" A Nevada hunter spent three months looking for a grizzly bear, and the man's relatives have spent three months looking for him. They think he must have found the bear. Lady (anxious to engage cook): " But why don't you think the situation will suit you?" Cook : " Well, mum, I had no idea you lived in such a quiet village. Why, there's only one p'liceman in the place, and he's a married man with a large family." "You say you don't drink, George "No." "Nor smoke?" "No." "Nor gamble?" "No." "Nor stay out at night" "Never." " Well, we never could be happy as man and wife, George. I have been brought up in New York, not heaven." The unintentional The minister's wife (to industrial scholar): " Eliza Jane, I'm sorry to hear from your school-mistress you are not diligent at your needlework. You know who it is finds work for idle hands to do?" Eliza Jane (intensely anxious to propitiate) : " Yes, 'm ; please, 'm, you do !" An editor, who does not mind a joke at his own expense, says he went into a chemist's shop recently, and asked for some morphine. The assistant objected to giving it without a prescription. " Why," asked the editor, "do I look like a man who would kill himself ?" "I don't know," said the assistant; "if I looked like you I should be tempted." A sea officer, for his courage in a former engagement, where he had lost his leg, had been preferred to the command of a good ship ; in the heat of the next engagement, a cannon ball took off his wooden deputv, so that he fell upon the deck; a seaman, thinking that he had been fresh wounded, called out for a surgeon. " No, no,'* said the captain, "the carpenter will do this time." An old man was in the witness-box, and was being cross-examined. " You say you are a doctor?" " Yes, sir; yes, sir." "What kind of doctor?" " I make intments, sir; I make intments.'' " What's your ointment good for ?" " It's good to rub on the head to strengthen the mind." " What effect would it have if you were to rub some of it on my head ?" " None at all, sir; none at all. We must have something to start with." Father: " As you have been three terms at the cooking-school, Jane, I supposed you'd know how to roast a piece of beef better than this. Why, it's burnt to a cinder." Daughter: " 1 don't see how I'm to blame. The fire was too hot, I suppose." Father : " And why didn't you see that the fire wasn't too hot Daughter: "The man always attended to that at the school, and Mrs. Mixter used to do the basting. All we did was to do the tasting after the meat was cooked." Just now a story is going the rounds apropos of Lord Clanwilliarn, the gallant and genial admiral who was so greatly responsible for the recent successful reception of the French Fleet at Portsmouth. One sultry night his lordship was peacefully smoking his pipe outside his house la Belgrave Square, attired in a somewhat free-and-easy suit, which roused the suspicion of a watchful policeman. The man, accosting Lord Clanwilliam, inquired: " What are you doing here? Do you belong to this house?" "No," was the answer; " the house belongs to me."