ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXVIII, Issue 8556, 2 May 1891, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

After a man has made a certain amount of money his neighbours begin to hear ho had ancestors. Clara: "Jack intends to have everything his own way when we are married." Clara's mamma : " Then why do you marry him?" Clara: "To relieve his mind of a false impression." " Talk of mothers-in-law and sons-in-law not agreeing," remarked Titmarsh, "my mother-in-law and I agree. She says I ought never to have married her daughter, and I coincide with her."

Perhaps the most trying experience in the career of a maiden who lias passed the first blush of romantic girlhood is when she braces herself to meet the shock of a proposal of marriage from some man, and the shock doesn't come.

Stage manager Mr. McMouther, you will take the part of ' Piccolo.' " McMouther: '•'I have never seen this play. Do you think I can please the audience in that character?" Stage manager : "Immensely. You die in the first act." Working-man : " Wot 'ave I bin doin' ? Why, I've been demonstrate' for the height hour movement." Professional cadger : " All ! you're lucky fellows, you are. Now, in our perfession, there ain't no limit to number o' hours we 'as to work."

Judge: " Why don't you work, prisoner? Have you no trade ?" Vagabond: "I have a profession, your Honor, but there is very little for me to do just now. lam a spring poet." Judge : "All right. A six months' sentence will let you out at just about the right time." A little girl was whipped by her mother the other day for some trifling offence'. When her father came home in the evening she ran to meet him with her eyes full of tears. "Oh, papa," she sobbed, "mamma whipped me to-day and my feelings are all black and blue." "

" 1 thought you were going to marry Miss Goldthwaite, Charley. Haven't you had some aspirations in that line?" "I had, but it was no go. Her family were all opposed to it." " Well, but if the girl herself— " I said all the family. She was one of them."

An inhabitant of Maine has applied for damages against the Electric Lighting Company of that place, ■ His case is that the light keeps his fowls awake till one in the morning, so that they are too tired to lay eggs on the following day ! The shares of the company are falling rapidly. "Inexperienced widow (writing an advertisement for boarders): "How will this do at the end, Miranda? All the comforts of home.'" Experienced daughter: "That's good, mother, but you can make it stronger yet. Put it, 'All the comforts of the club,' and in a week there won't be a room left vacant in the house."

Frances 1., King of France, was desirous of raising one of the most learned men of his time to the highest dignities of the Church, so he asked him if' he was of noble descent. " Your Majesty," answered the abbot, "there were three brothers in Noah's Ark, but I cannot tell positively from which of them I was descended." He obtained the post. A very good story is going round about a well-known and clever German professor of music, who is extremely irritable. Speaking to one of his pupils lazy young girl—he quite astonished her with the remark, "lam very sorry to see, Mees Fanny, dat you takfes so much trubbles." " Oh, not at all," said she. " Oh, yes ! You do take so many trubbles to play dose notes vitch are not dat music-book in !"

Edgely : "Hello, old man! I hear that you are married. Wasn't it rather sudden?" Wooden: "Well, yes, a bit sudden, perhaps." Edgely: " Hdw did it hifppen?" Wooden: "Well, you see it was in this way. I was calling on Miss Simoon, and she said, 'Ho you think, Mr. Wooden, that marriage is always a failure ?' ' Why, no,' said 1; ' not always. ' I can imagine a case where it would undoubtedly be a perfect success.' At this she leaped up, threw her arms around my neck, and said, 'This is very sudden, bub you have made me the happiest :.- f women. Let next Tuesday be the day.' "