ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXVII, Issue 8306, 12 July 1890, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

When a joke has malice in it it become? a witticism. Love not; the one you love may die, or at any rate run off with another man. Better be good than great. You'll have less competition. The latter business is overdone. There's nothing like leather, excepting, of course, the upper crust of the young wife's lirst pie. .Miss Flyppe : " Do you think a woman is ever justified in swearing?' , .Mrs. Watts: " Not if she is single." The homage that a man pays to a handsome woman a woman has been known to pay to n very mean man. Squimpa : "How's the new baby?" Jenkins: "How is he? He's a howling success, and don't you forget, it.!" Air. N. I'eck : "Alexander Dumas says that 'anything useless is dangerous.' What do you think of that, my deal , '/" Mrs. N. Peck: "1 think lie was an old fool who didn't know what he was talking about. There is nothing dangerous about you, is there ?" Watches are so much in vogue nowadays and are found in such queer places, such as card cases, door handles, bracelets, and umbrella sticks, that 8., who always takes his dinner at u restaurant, says he is afraid he'll find a small one some day in his soup instead of an onion. Tramp: " Have you any objection to giving me another piece of that pie, ma'am?' . Woman: "Why, no, certainly not. Why do you put it in your pocketV" Tramp : " I've been specially commissioned, ma'am, to collect all the curiosities 1 came across for the World's Fair in ISli'i.' , Chicago girl: "The horrid thing! , ' Boston girl: "What's the matter?"' Chicago girl : " Why, 1 have just received a letter from my brother in India. He shot an elephant the other day, and writes that if lie can kill another he'll have a pair of slippers made out of their hides for me !" Cockney tourist (to native boy) : " \\ here does that road lead to, my lad?"' Boy: A'm no shaii , ." Tourist: " And that one?" Hoy : "I (linna ken.' . Tourist : '"And > this one ?"' Boy: "A' carina tell ye.' . Tourist (to himself): "Great Kcott ! what names they give to places in this benighted rountry." ■•The soil of California is so fruitful," ■ii<l a native of the Golden State, " that a ■ii ui who accidentally dropped a box of matches in his field discovered the next ve.-ir a fine forest of telegraph poles." • That's iinthiiig to my State," said a native of Illinois. "A cousin of mine who lives there lost a button off his jacket, and :ti less than a month he found a bran new -iiit. of clothes hanging on a fence near he spot." Mr. Wagstafl has been reading Browning .'-itid to Miss Wilder. Wagstaff: "And ■ low, what di> you think of ihat particular •I'n ? Dii you think it. worthy of Brown- .■.;'>■ reputation? -1 Miss Wilder : "It's [itito tod perfectly lovely. Only Brown.iig could have written it." Wagstnff: ■■ Vmi undtjrHtaud it fully?" Miss Wilder : ■• Perfectly. It is as clear a* light to me." Wagstaff: " Well, you see, J did not know but it, might bo a little obscure, as I've been only reading every other line and—" the sweet girl had flounced out of the room. A good instance of a neat diplomatic rejoinder it embodied in u story regarding Count. Herbert Bismarck on the occasion of the Herman Emperor's visit to Rome last year. It, appears that, at the railway station Count Herbert, who is not renowned for the suavity of his manners, pushed rudely against, an Italian dignitary who was watching the proceedings. The dignitary was greatly incensed, and remonstrated very forcibly against such unceremonious treatment, whereupon Count Herbert turiicnl round haughtily and said, "I don't think you know who I am. lam Count Herbert Bismarck." "That," replied tho Italian, bovring politely, "as an excuse is insufficient, but as an explanation it is ample."