ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXVII, Issue 8222, 5 April 1890, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

It takes a pretty sharp remark to cub a slow man to the quick. If some poets "learn in suffering what they teach in song," how they must have suffered ! It is curious what scoundrels the men are who disagree with the average partisan newspaper. Th-j young lady who has the most beaux is neb always the one who gets tied to the beat husband. Mistress : " The steak is vary well cooked, Mary." Mary :" Yia, mum. Me imputation is at stake, ye know." Mr. Fervour: "Now givo me a sweet kiss, darling !" Miss Candour : " Were not my other kisses sweet lie : "I love you more than tongues can tell!" She (thoughfullyb " Suppose you pub it in wribing, George." Since young Jones began visiting Miss Brown, the parlour lamp in the Brown domicile is the latest tiring out. lb is with political parties as it is with men—those will bear the watching who claim to have all the virtue there is. "I think we ought to have the fuschia for our national flower." "Why so?" " We have a great fuschia before us." lb may be all right to waits for "dead men's shoes," but ib is folly to go stamping around barefooted during the interval. Snaggs: "The young lady who just passed looks 'like a misanthrope" Mrs. Snaggs : " But she isn't, dear. She's a Miss Robinson." Tired father: "I might as well talk to the wind as talk to you." Indifferent son : "Well, you always wcro fond of airing your views." In Hungary a man convicted of bigamy was compelled to live with both wives in the same house. Hence bigamy was rare in that-country. As a regiment, headed by its band, marched by, a little boy remarked: "I say, ma, what is the use of all those soldiers who don't play?" "Ah," said the parson, "so you are a musician? Then your voice is your fortune ?" " No," she said softly, "my pianofortune ; J. don't sing ; I play." Mrs. Rich (excitedly) : " Baby has swallowed my watch ! Dear, dear, dear, what shall 1 do?" Watchmaker : " Let him swallow the chain ; then pull."

Miss Caller : " I called on purpose to see your dear little baby. Is ib a boy or a girl?" Mrs. Four Hundred : " Why, it's— a—really I shall have to ask the nurse." He who dares to predict the weather from day to day gives hostages to chance, and discounts probabilities with more than tho easy confidence of a combination bank wrecker.

At the threshold of a Turkish bath :— Lean lady to stout lady friend : " You don't mean to say you como here to get lean !• Why, my doctor ordered mo here to get fat I'' Circumstantial evidence : — Landlady : "You haven't eaten your soup, Mr. Roberts. Is there anything in it'.'" Boarder : "I don't think there is ; I couldn't tusto anything." A double likeness:—"Your son was here yesterday and had that picture taken." " That's like him." " And he said you would be around to pay for it." " And that's like him."

"Call no man happy until he is dead," said the old philosopher. The Somervillo .Journal adds: "And don't bo too sure about it then ; you may have overlooked some part of his record." Woman (to tramp who has eaten a whole mince pie) : " You seem to have a good appetite?" Tramp (with tears in his eyes) " Yes, madam, that is all I have left in the world which lean rightly call my own." (Jetting born costs the people of the United States 8—5,000,000 annually ; getting married, £;500,000.00<) ; getting buried, 575,000,000. The difierenco in price is so marked one is tempted to say with the minstrel, "Guess I'll take de las' lessun fust."

Dr. Radclifib, while dining at a convivial party, refused to leave it to attend to a sick woman. Her husband thereupon picked him up bodily, and forcing him into a carriage, drove off with him. The doctor at first was enraged, but finally took it as a joke, ami said, " Now, you impudent dog, I'll be revenged on you, for I'll cure your wife."