ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9220, 24 November 1888, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

If we could all see ourselves as others see us most of us would hardly see ourselves at all.

Very many things in this world can be made smoother if men will do their level best.

True greatness consists, my son, in knowing what you want and going for it all you know how.

No ; marriage is not a failure, but a great many married people are failures of the most malignant type. A brass band in a Connecticut town is giving great satisfaction. Ten of its members have died off since spring. Descriptive He : "Who is that pretty girl over there?" She: " Jessie Jones. "And who is she?" "My most intimate enemy."

Teeth were made before knives. " Why did Adam bite the apple?" said a school master to a country lad. " 'Cause he had no knife," said the urchin.

The Church and Dissent: —Father (to son, who begs to go to St. Paul's): " Well, you may go this morning to hear the singing if you promise me not to listen to tiie sermon."

There is something solemn in the tones of a great bell striking midnight, especially if you are a mile from home and know that your wife is sitting behind the hall door waiting for you. "And what do you expect to make of your son when he comes of age, Mr. Smith ?" "Oh, I don't know," replied Mr. Smith, despondently. " I think he'd make a good husband for a rich girl." Smith : "How are you, Jones?" Jones : " Excuse me, I don't know you." Smith : "You knew mo when you borrowed that ten shillings." Jones: "Well, I don't want to borrow anything now." Groom (to bride : they are waiting for the minister) : " Hadn't I better skip out and see what is the matter, my dear The minister should have been here twenty minutes ago." Bride : " No, George ; you stay right where you are." Irate customer rushing into brushmaker's : " Look here, these brushes are a swindle, they are not ivory at all, they are imitation." "I can't help it, sir. I import my ivory direct from Ceylon, and the only explanation that I can give is that the elephants have taken to wearing false tusks."

New York Magistrate (to prisoner) : " You say, Uncle 'Rastus, that you took the ham because you are out of work and your family are starving ; and yet I understand that you have four dogs about the house." Uncle 'Rastns : " Yes, sah ; but I wudden't arsk my family to eat dogs, yo' lioiuih !" Ho, ho ! What funny criticisms people do make. Says a wise man : "How can you denounce what you know nothing about? And yet many ministers preach savagely against the theatre who have never been to one." Ha, man, many ministers preach against hell who have never been, there either.

It was nearly midnight, and she was gazing dreamily into 1 lie fire. "A penny for your thoughts, Miss Josephine," he said, airily. " I was thinking, Mr. Johnson," she replied, " how very much annoyed papa was to-day over the amount of last month's gas bill." And then presently he left without giving her the penny. Charles Egbert Craddock thinks that literary people should nob marry. This is mere nonsense. A literary woman should marry a solid and sensible business man, and a literary man should marry a woman of domestic tastes. Of course, where the contracting parties are both literary—both making a grab for the same ink-bottle—the outlook is stormy. A citizen stood in an unsteady way gazing at a front door the other night, and another belated who passed that way halted and asked : " Looking for the key-hole, old fellow?" " Chee-hole !" " Yes." " No, sur ; I've goz way beyond zhat, sur. I'm looking for 'er doors itself. Sheems to be too many of e'm here." Scene, newly married pair on bench in park. Old gentleman supposed to be asleep. She: My darling!" He: "My dove!" She: My doggie!" Ho: "My pussy !" She : My duck !" He : "My pretty birdie !" She : "My goosie !" He: "My kitten She: "My chickee!" He: "My lambkin !" Old gentleman (interrupting brutally) : "Can't you call each other Noah's arks, and have done with a"