ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9190, 20 October 1888, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Figures never lie, but under skilful manipulation they may be induced to prevaricate to an extent answering that purpose. " Mother's always telling me not to bolt my food," said a little boy, " and now she has gone and bolted the cupboard that has got all the victuals." How annoyed a man must feel who is successfully vaccinated, and two weeks later meets with an accident, and has to have the arm amputated ! " Modesty" asks us : " What is the best method of popping the question ?" It ia a deal like champagne—if it don't pop itself, there is something wrong about it. Waiter, how's this?" " How's what?'' "I found a cigar holder in the soup." " Well, well ! I'm glad of that. I've been hunting for the hanged thing an hour." "Mr. Smith," said a lady at a fair, " won't you please buy this bouquet to present to the lady you love?" "That could not be," said Mr. Smith ; "lama married man." There is only one thing that is said to be worse than being called upon unexpectedly to make an after-dinner speech—that is to prepare an after-dinner speech and not be asked to deliver it. A pretty miss on the train pettishly said to her mother : "Come on ; you're always behind." A venerable gentleman passing stopped and said : " Never behind when you was sick, wes she ?" Do you believe that there is any such thing *as luck ?" asked a young man of an old bachelor. "I do. I've had proof of it." "In what way?" "I was refused by five girls when I was a young man." Great statesman (doing some figuring) : "Eh? What?" Wife (looking up from newspaper) : " What does ' labour question' mean?" Great statesman (absently): "The question is, What'll catch the labour vote ?" A writer in the Jewish Standard says : — Whoso heedeth Professor Baldwin at the Alexandra Palace must needs admit that the Descent of Man is from a balloon, not a baboon. I'll lay thee a monkey that Baldwin one day taketh a drop too much. Patient: Doctor, I can't sleep at night. I tumble and toss until morning." Doctor : " H'm, that's bad. Let me see your tongue. (After diagnosis). Physically you are all right. Perhaps you worry over that bill you've owed me for the past two years." Proprietor of fine grounds, to young landscape gardener : " Have you ever studied — er— — pathology Landscape gardener : " No, sir." Proprietor: "Well, then, you won't do. I must have a man who thoroughly understands laying out paths." Prince Jerome Napoleon, a Paris correspondent says, will refuse all offers of reconciliation with his son, Prince Victor, unless he formally relinquishes his claim to be a pretender. Prince Victor will, therefore, not be invited to the forthcoming marriage of his sister, the Princess Letitia. ' Things a lady can't admit: That she is in love ; that she ever flirted ; that she laces tight; that she is tired at a ball ; that she is fond of scandal; that her shoes are too small; that she cannot keep a secret ; that it takes her long to dress ; that she has kept you waiting that she says what she doesn't mean ; that she blushed when you mentioned a particular gentleman's name. "John," she said, softly, " have you been saying anything about me to mother lately?" "Mo," replied John ; "why do von ask ?" " Because she said this morning that she believed you were on the eve of proposing to me. Now, Ido not wish you to speak to mother when you have anything of that kind to say. Speak to me, and I'll manage the business with mother." And John said he would.

Miss Lily Fairman was very vain of her good complexion, her arch little Grecian nose, her dimples, and her good looks generally. Unluckily she fell downstairs and damaged her nasal organ, and wept bitterly over the prospect of permanent disfigurement. "But," said the goodnatured surgeon who was attending her, " I assure you, Miss Lily, there will not be the slightest distortion after a few weeks' time, if you will only follow my prescriptions." *" Doctor, you are an angel," cried the delighted patient ; " and—and while you are about it, couldn't you make it grow just a little bit aquiline?"