ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9118, 28 July 1888, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Why is a married man like an electric light? Because he frequently goes out of a night when he hadn't ought to. Time Middle of a long sermon. Elsie (in a loud whisper); " Oh, mother dear, do give them the penny now and let's go." A gentleman asked a negro boy if he wouldn't take a pinch of snuff. "No," replied darkey very respectfully," me thank you ; Pomp's nose not hungry !" A fashionable lady in boasting of her new palatial residence," said that the windows were all of stained glass. " That's too bad," cried her mother; " but won't soap and turpentine take the stains out ?" An elderly dandy, who was more noted for running into debt than for paying his tradesmen, made an exception in favour of his wig-maker, that he might be enabled to say that he wore his " own hair." Scotchman: "My mother married at fourteen." Spaniard: "And mine at thirteen." Mexican: "Mine at twelve." Irishman: " Shure that's nothing. My mother was married before I was born."

It is related of Dugald Stewart that he was once asked what was the earliest thing he could remember. He said it was being left alone by his nurse in his cradle, and resolving to tell on her as soon as he could speak !

To ensure long life recreation should be a part of our daily life. It makes the busy man thoughtful and keeps the thoughtful man busy. It ensures health, success, snd the accomplishment of more work in less time, and better. " I do believe," said a lawyer, glancing at his opponent, " that my learned friend has been inoculated with stupidity." " Perhaps so ; but the general belief is that you have it in the natural way !" retorted the " learned friend."

The Laird (to his gardener, who had caught somebody trespassing): "Hum! and you say, Saunders, that the fellow was impudent?" Gardener : "Impudent! 'Deed, sir, if he had been the Laird himself he could na hae been mair ill-bred."

A man who is unfortunately the possessor of two wooden legs went to the house of a remarkable physician, suffering under a severe cold. Upon stating his ease, the doctor unwittingly advised him to go home and bathe his feet in hot water.

Wife, to husband, who has just returned from a visit: "So you intend to go back again at the earliest opportunity ? Husband : "Yes." Wife: "You must have fell perfectly at home." Husband: "Oh, no ; 1 enjoyed myself very much !" Employer: " See here, Dennis, it was only last week that you got off to attend your cousin's funeral. I— ' Dennis (interrupting) : " Faix, so I did, sor, but the ould fule came to loife agin. Let me off this onot, and I'll bury him dead or aloive." A French investigator has discovered that the character of a person's dreams depends in a great measure on which side the sleeper lies. " The dreams of a lawyer, then, who habitually lies on both sides," remarks a contemporary, "must be very much mixed.'

Small child (to youthful acquaintance) : "Ma says I must not play with you, because my papa is an officer, and you are common children." "Little Brown (in a rage): "Common children, indeed ! Mamma says my papa is a bankrupt, and that he will always remain so." A stockbroker, returning to his office the other day after a substantial luncheon with a client, said, complacently, to his head clerk : Mr. Putkin, the world looks different to a man when he has a bottle of champagne in him." " Yes," replied the clerk, significantly, "and he looks different to the world."

"So you have got a wife," said Jones to a newly-married man. "Don't know, don't know," replied the man, with evident hesitation ; "sometimes I think Pve got her, and sometimes I think she's got me. You see I've only been married a few months, and I can't toll just how the blamed combination is going to turn out." A young miss, aged 10, whose sister had just become engaged to a physician, was seated at the supper table with the family. There had been remarks made and opinions expressed about the M.D., when the young miss gave her opinion as follows : "I think it will lie a very good thing for the doctor, as lie can now leave his babies with Carrie and not give them all away to strangers," j