ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIV, Issue 8928, 17 December 1887, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

The devil helps them who help themselves to whiskey. The chosen home of humility is an empty pocket-book. Some people are so sensitive that they seem to have corns all over them. The difference between trinitarianism and unitarianism is undoubtedly about three to one.

An editor epigrammatically defines the position of the great mass of our population when he says, " I am a capitalist at heart, but A working man from necessity." A superb bronze Buddha is advertised for sale in Boston. If Colonel Ingersoll is still in search of an honest god, durable and warranted to wear, now is his chauoe. Dakota Bell: — "We have sent to New York for one of the leading affidavit editors on the press of that oity, As soon as he gets here the Bell will begin to get up a circulation."

Henry Ward Baeoher says money is not necessary to happiness. Of course not. Neither is lemon juice necessary to a raw oyster, but it adds mightily to its succulence.

It is a day of peculiar atmospheric severity when a constable does not appear in a St. Louis theatre and take up his place of temporary abode on a pile of interesting trunks.

The matrimonial season in Washington was a failure. Not one fourth of the marriageable girls captured husbands. And yet some people think that the present administration is a success."

After a vain search for his umbrella, the lady attendant said : "It is nowhere to be found, and 1 am satisfied it has been stolen.' "You may b« satisfied," replied he, "but I'm blessed if I am."

" Mrs. Pangle is a bomcepathisfc, isn't she?" remarked Mrs. McSwiliiyen during a call on Mrs. Snagga. "Mo, 1 don't think she is," was the reply. " She's very seldom at home when I call."

A teacher in a boys' school found forty big pupils out of sixt three who had never read the Constitution of the United States, and were ignorant of the cause which led to its preparation. Every mother's son of them, however, could tell of the standing of each base-ball club in th National League and the American Association,

A visitor to Ireland was bidding farewell and said to his attendant: "Good-bye, Pat." "Good-bye, yer honor. May God bleBS you, and may every hair of your head be a candle to light your soul to glory." Well, Pat," he said, showing him a bald pate, " when that time comes there won't be tnuoh of » torchlight procession." " No, George," she said, gently but firmly, "until you give up your present calling 1 can never, never be your wile." " But, Cynthia dear," he urged, "it is my only means of livelihood. Surely to drive a street car is respectable enough." "It is quite respectable, George, and doubtless requiries ability ; but I shiver when I think how cold your feet must be. 1 ' "My son," said Mr. Sprigging to his little son, who was devouring an egg— was Mr. Sprlggins' desire to instruct his boy—"my son, do you know that chickens come out of eggs?" "Do they, father?" said the young hopeful. "1 thought the reverse." The elder Spriggins drew back from the table, sadly, and gazed on his son, then put on his hat and went out. Irate father : " I suppose you remember you wanted to marry that book keeper of mine about a year ago !" Daughter : " Yes, father." " A pretty sort of a man you picked out. He has decamped with my whole fortune," " You remember, father, that you told him he could not have me until he got rich, don't you ?" "Of course the young "I have just received a despatch from him at Montreal saying he is rich now, but is perfectly willing to marry a poor man's daughter." . One of our brilliant college youths was heard lately oomplaining in the presence of the family about how difficult he found it to ; behave when in society with as much ease and gracefulness as he could wish. " Why," he said at last, with a look of, the utmost aelf-b miliation on his face, "if you'll believe me, I get so at times that I don't know what to do with my hands." Then the youngest member of the family, who cared little for society and less for his elders, brought down the house by remarking heartlessly, " Why don't you waßh them V