ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIV, Issue 8062, 1 October 1887, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

A pabtiwq injunction:—-"Right down the middle, barber."

It is said of one fashionable young man that he never paid auything but a compliment. Some physicians say disease is transmitted by kissing. Heart disease is, and the only remedy l* matrimony. Mrs. Muddlemaauings writes: — "Of all them preserved fruits, 'there isn't nothing that'll touch the tinned acrobats." Never chew a raw oyster. Simply place him in the mouth and then look at the ceiling. Trust the oyster for the rest. Fortune knocks once at every man's door, but she doesn't go hunting through publichouses for him if the man happens to be out.

Wife : " Oh, doctor, Benjamin seems to be wandering in his mind I" Doctor (who knows Benjamin): "Don't trouble about that—he can t go far." An editor, having received many dunnng letters from his tailor, at la>t wrote upon one, from habit, douutless, " This correspondence must now cease.

You oau't make a man n gentleman by calling him one. But sometimes you can please him ami carry your point, and that is more to your purpose. Swinburne wrote a poem on " Children's Teirs." If children's tears gave impetus t< poetic grindtngs, the slipper would soon be come recognised as the sole of music. An artiuie is printed on " How to Treat Your VVife." One good way would bo to treat her as well as you did before you married her, hut few married men do that, You know, of course," said the old man to the young m in, "that my daughter has £10,000 in her own right?" Yes, sir" " Aud you're not worth a cent?" I'm not; but greab &cot, £10,0i>0 is enough for two." There are always different ways of looking at events. An impecunious man married an actress the other day. "He must have loved her for herself alone, remarked a critic. "Why so?" was the question. "Because he has parted with her diamonds already," A good pastor, a widower, proposed to a young lady a short time since, hut was rejected. His feelings had a second severe tost when a widow neighbour sent him the following text to preach from: — "You ask and receive not, because you ask a miss." " How does it happen that there are so many old maids among the school teachers asked a reporter of a teacher the other day. " Because school teachers are, as a rule, women of seme; and no woman will give up » £12 position for a £2 man," was the reply. Polyphonic (Jack backward in his grammar) : — "Papa, what part of speech is woman ?" Papa (fresh from a vorbal engagement with mamma, in which, of course, ho hail been badly worsted): "She isn't any part of speech at all, Jack : she is tho whole of it !" Some people aro not endowed with the faculty of weeing a joke. Lord Morpeth used to tell of a Sootcii friend who, to the remark that some people could not feel a jest unless it tv*B fired at them with a cannon, replied, " Weel, but boo can ye fire a jest out of a cannon, nion ?"

A reaident of Man»ille, R. 1., has a silk, hat which lie bought several yearn ago to wear at the funeral of his wife, lie has worn it three tunes sinoe thou, and each time at the funeral of a wife, having buried four of them. The hat is almost as good as new, but a little out of style. She (to young pout): " ILivv much do you get for your poems, Cliailey ?'' Charley (with pride) : " From a pound to thirty shillings." She: "Well, isn't that very little, Charley? I see that Sir Walter Scott got live hundred pounds for one of his." Charley: " Yes, but you see writing poetry isn't the business it uted to be. There's too much competition." " tfes," said the Major, waxing eloquent in his stories of the war, "I remember when 1 was but a private iu the ranks that one day a party of us crept up on a ' wildcat' battery. Just as we were preparing for a final rush to capture it they opened on us with shot. Our captain, a hot, enthusiastic fellow, saw the situation and jumped on the stump of a tree, waving hiß sword and cry ing, 'On, men, on ! Liberty or death,' and then lie fell, pierced by bullets." "And what did you do ?" broke in a voioe. " What did we do? Oh, we took the hint. We proferred liberty, aud turned »ud ran,"