ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIV, Issue 8056, 17 September 1887, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Why is it that when a preacher get 3 married the impulse of everyone unacquainted with the poisons or the circumstances is to commiserate the luckless fate of the lady. Domestic life has no finer picture of confiding love than that of the husband wearing a smoking jacket of his wife's making and trying to make believe that it fits him divinely. A lady took her little boy to church for the first time. Upon hearing the organ he was on his feet innantf:r. "Sit down," said the mother. " I won't," he shouted ; "I want to see the monkey." "How is your son doing, Mr. Smith, who went to New York a few years ago ?" "He has made a name for himself," said Mr. Smith. •'lndeed? In what way?" "I understand he calls himself Smythe."

A Lowell minister preached last Sunday on "Why do the wicked live 2" We don't know surely why they do, but we might suggest mildly that if the wicked didn't live it would be a cold for the day minister.

Wife (who believes iu consistency): "If the old Blue laws forbids kissing one's wife and the selling of intoxicating liquors Sunday, why isn't trie former enforced as well as the latter Husbaud : " Because it isn't necessary. " Judge (indignantly): "The sums which you stole, fruits of long years of honest work, you squandered in wretched fooleries." Prisoner, with emotion) : "I could not keep that money. It weighed too much on my conscience."

Collector of gas company : " Here is the amount of your bill, Mr. Wigwug." Wigwug : "Geewhilikens ! the house was shut up two wteks of last month." Collector : "Can't help it; you see the gas is so light it runs the bill no auyhow."

" Yea, ma >a:n, you are a great singer, but you ought to practise more." "Why so?" "To keep your voice in condition." "1 know that, but I'm afraid. "Of what;'' " That someone might overhear me sing without paying for it. ' "See here, doctor," said a patient, "isn't it time you physicians came down a little in your price ? It makes a good deal of difference, you know, when a fallow has been sick, how much he has to pay when he gets well." " I'll see that it makes no difference to you," grimly responded the doctor. " My dear," said her lover, "I" am fired with an ambition to win your hand. May I consult your father?" "Yes," she softly murmured. An hour later ha was again ''fired," but it was not with an ambition to win her hand thin time. There was more foot than hand about it.

Those two celebrated preachers, the Rev. Dr. Bacon and the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, were once disputing on some'religious subject, when the former accused the latter of using wit in his sermons. *' Well." said Mr. Beecher, " suppose it had pleased God to give you wit, what would you have done?" " Do you think, young man," he said, "that you will be able to take care of my daughter Flora in the style to which she has always been aocustomed V "I think so, sir," answered the young man confidently. "Mie refused to go to the picnic with me last week, because she said she had nothing to wear." House-hunter (to agent's clerk) : " But this house faces due north. Mr. Smart told me it had a southern exposure. Clerk : " Did he ? Well, I am sure he thought he was telling the truth. He's not the man to deceive anybody. You see, he is a patriot; that's what he is, He knows no north and no south, and be tween you and me, I suspect ho'B a trfle shaky do east and west. " I don't believe in feeding tramps at the door," said Mrs. Crimsonbeak. "You feed them once and they are sure to come back." " Woll, I don't know," replied Mr*. Yeast. "I always give them bread when they come *0 my door, and I can't say that X ever knew a tramp to come the second time." ''Oh, well, Mra. Yev>t, you mate yonr o vn bread, do you not ?" This was ail that was uaid, and yet Mrs. Yeast went down the street line A straw hat on a windy day. "And do you love me so devotedly, dear," he said, '* that you will give up homa and friends and all that makes your young life bright and happy, to become my wife, and go with me to the uttormost ends of the wotld if necessary ?' " tf'es, George," she whipered, softly, "when 1 am your wife your thoughts shall be my thoughts, your hopes my hopes, your religion my religion, and if you should want me to go to the uttermost ends of the world with you, I will go, ah, bo gladly, George. Ido so love to travel J"