ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIII, Issue 7782, 30 October 1886, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

[ PvEMKMBKsthe poor ; it costs nothing. .No man was over so mean that he could not give advice. Religious people nearly always think too much about themselves, —Raskin. Once a sailor visited a city, where he said they "copper-bottomed the tops of their houses with sheet lead." "Generous to a fault" may be said of the majority of men—at least they are generoas enough to their own faults. The best thing to take people out of their own worries is to go to work and find out how other folks' worries are getting on. A farmer says that three good bull dogs roaming the yard at night will do more to keep a man honest than all the talking in the world. Pen, ink, and paper and brains are the only thing requisite to literary suocess ; and almost anybody can get the pen, ink, and I paper. i

"Mamma," said Bobby, "I have eaten my cake all up, and Charles hasn't touched his yet. Won't you make him share with me so as to teach him to be generous." Teacher: "Robert, why do you laugh so immoderately?" Robert: "Excuse me. I just saw the point of a joke 1 heard the day before yesterday. I'll not do it again, sir." Although beauty is only skin deep, and is often coupled with frivolity, it will get a seat in a crowded car where plainness and common sense would be compelled to stand up.

"Control the consumption of your gas," advises a newspaper. That is easy enough to do ; but what this city really needs is something to control the consumption of the gas meter. "But, Marie, I thought you despised Mr. Slimson." "Soldo." "Then, what did you marry him for ?" "So that he would stay down town evenings, and not hang around me all the time." He: "You are holding that umbrella on the wrong side to protect you from the sun."' She: "I know it; but there is that dreadful Miss Briggs, and I intend her to see my new bonnet." Brown (kindly): "I haven't seen you look so happy since your husband died. 1 ! suppose you are becoming resigned to you sad loss." Mrs. Smith (candidly) : " Yes ; I am to be married again." An American statesman got off at Falls View to look at Niagara. After examining it critically for a moment, he turned to a bystander and remarked, " Huge affair, ain't it ? I 'spose it runs all night too." Two Irishmen were lamenting the illness of a friend who had been much brought down of late. " It's dreadful wake he is, and thin, sure; he's as thin as the pair of us put together !" one of the sympathisers observed. Scene : Board school in Upper Nithsdale —Standard two in Bible lesson. Subject: Jacob arriving at his uncle's. Teacher: Why were the flooks gathered round the well?" Small Boy: "Tae be dippit, sir." Collapse of teaoher. I cannot say that I very much affect the society of parsons. Some of them, no doubt, are good company enough ; but, as a rule, I think their conversation (though usually quite innocent) is very apt to be tiresome, and frequently a trifle priggish and unreal.— Truth.

A half-crazed lad named Robert in a Northern town one day presented himself at the counter of a confectioner's shop in the town, and inquired the price of the pound of grapes. " A shilling," replied the shopman. "Gie's a penny turnip, then, for I'm awfu fond o' fruit." " How I pity the poor such night as this," said Blande, as be oat in his comfortable apartment. "Then why,"asked Bluff, "don't you put on your coat and go out and see if you cannot render assistance to some of them?" "Ah," replied Blande, "then I should not be so comfortable as I am now, and I might forget the poor and begin to pity myself. That would be selfish, yon know." It was the general opinion that Tam MacSaunders was craoked. Notwithstanding this, Tam managed to persuade a lady fair to become his bride, and went to the minister to arrange matters. The reverend gentleman I shared the common notion respecting Tarn's mental capacity, and therefore proceeded with due caution in the matter. Among other questions, the minister asked, "As this is a very important step yon are about to take, you ought to consult your parents about it. Have you done so?" "Na, nae fear o' me," said Tam, " they never consulted me whan they got marrit 1"