THE RESIDENT'S STORY.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIII, Issue 7758, 2 October 1886, Page 3 (Supplement)

THE RESIDENT'S STORY.

[from vanity pair.} "On, there's nothing half so sweet In life as love's young dream," sang young Smith. " Indeed 1" said old Smith, who happened to overhear this sentimental strain, and thought it had a suspicious ring about it. " I must Bee about putting a stopper on this spooning with that Lily girl." So Smith pere went straight up to town, and never rested till he had arranged for the early shipping of the lovesick lad off to the glowing East. Bat love is as difficult to deal with as quicksilver. You fancy you have it in hand, and, lo ! away it is all over the place. Old Smith thought by taking the boy up to London on the pretence of being measured for his outfit, he would keep the young people out of serious mischief. He little knew or suspected that love-letters were flying in a perfect stream between them ; that keepsakes were being exchanged; and that an actual bona fide engagement was settled between the "babies," as papa and mamma called them. Why Lily Languish was so fond of Tom Smith is not so clear, for Tom was short, fat, red-haired, and uninteresting. It was by no means strange however, that Tom should adore Lily, for Lily by name was in truth a lily in fact. Tall, slight, elegant, graceful in every curve and every move, the girl was named to perfection. It is strange how the ugliest men always go in for striking beauty. But Lily, alas ! had her fortune in her face and figure alone ; and old Smith, having had to clothe, feed, and educate eleven little Smiths, did not think that face and figure would go very far in that way. Hence all this weeping and wailing and breaking of hearts when Tom Smith was shipped off to India.

Tom Smith did not make much of it in India for a long time. His heart was not in his work, because his heart, as we know, was elsewhere. He picked up jungle fever, and even Asiatic cholera, but not a rupee beyond what was indispensable for the keeping together of soul and body. He often thought, and had suggested, that he and Lily could live on love, if others had failed in the attempt; but Lily's father did not see the pull of such an arrangement. At length Tom arrived at the conclusion that he really must turn to and work like a nigger; and he did. He devoted himself especially to the learning of the dialects of the country, aiming at becoming eventually a " Resident," with a good salary at the court of a native Prince. As years rolled on, Lily became habituated, if not reconciled, to this separation. Her naturally placid temperament kept her from fretting and fuming, and beating her wings against the cage ot inexorable circumstances, I have to admit, as a truthful historian, that not only did she sleep well, but also ate and drank freely—aye, and even amused herself, going to the extent of several undoubted, if harmless, flirtations. I must also let you into the secret, which she did not dare to impart to poor Tom, that as a result of this idiosyncrasy and course of life. Miss Lily became leas and lesa like the slender, graceful flower after which she had been named, and got more and more to resemble a rose (not a rosebud, be it observed) —yes, a full-blown rose, and if you added of the cabbage type, you will not be much wide of the mark. Poor Lily ! It came upon her, of course, very gradually, this growth of cellular tissue. But as nineteen inches expanded into twenty, and twenty into twenty-one, two, three, four, five, six, and how much more you need not know at present; and when no amount of patent corsets and invisible belts of ingenious make could keep that growing waist within bounds; and when, despite " Anti-fat and doing Banting," her surreptitious visits to the weighing-machine told of pound being added to pound, and then even stone to stone !— poor Lily sighed and sighed and pondered, but Bhe didn't tell Tom. Whether this was right or wrong of Lily I am not at liberty to discuss, as historians, as you know, never give their views regarding the facts which they narrate. But right or wrong, Lily kept the matter to herself. .iPoor Lily ! She could not bring herself to shock her lover with such announcements as " My dear Tom, I am as fat as a pig," or, "Darling Tom, don't be alarmed when I tell you that they joke on my figure, asking by riddle, ' Why is Miss Lily like the desert ? Because she is a bound- > less waste!'" or, Would you be surprised to learn that your arm could not now reach more than half-way round what it once encircled as my waist ?" She had often essayed to break the sad fact to her absent Tom ; but letter after letter was torn up as unsatisfactory, and so Tom Smith remained in blissful ignorance and dreamt his dreams and drew his pictures of fairy.like lilies. Poor Tom! " Alsobad, Punjob, November, 18—. " At last, my ownest Lily ! Thirteen years of weary waiting, hope deferred, and dreary toil have passed—God knows how, but they have—and now I am Resident at the Court of Alsobad, with £1000 a year, and nothing to do but to look wise, hold my tongue., and not interfere with the Rajah unless he fails to keep snug such matters as the removal— to another worldof insubordinate sons, and wives that have lost their bloom. Therefore, my love, my life, my Lily, lose not a moment in packing up your traps, so that you may catch the first vessel for India. Would that

I were tlyit blessed ship, that I might bear thee to thy destination in my heart ! But, patience; soon shall I clasp thy beauteous fairy form in these fond, loving arms! Oh, my Lily, my Lily, fly on the wings of the dovo, fly on the pinions of love, to your longing lover." That letter was a poser. " Clasp that beauteous form in these fond, loving arms, indeed !" said poor Lily. " Why hed have to do it by instalments, and not under three tries! And just fancy, too, his bearing some sixteen stone in his heart! As to the ' wings of a dove,' why, it would take the wings of a thousand doves to keep me off the ground. Oh my !" said poor Lily, " what shall Ido ? Why didn't I let him know that I waß growing into a splendid specimen of the hippopotamus ? But it's too late now, I must chance it." So Lily did as she was bid; packed up what she had, without waiting for a trousseau, and took the first ship to India. Meanwhile Tom Smith tfas becoming very thick with the Rajah of Alsobad. I don't think that was an advantage for Tom in a moral or religious point of view. The Rajah, as a Rajah, was not specially wicked; but his thoughts, aspirations, and ways were certainly not of Occidental characteristics. His two great and absorbing aims in life were to catch tigers—which was innocent enough, but for the waste of time—and to add to his domestic circle all that'was loveliest and rarest among the female portion of his subjects, a pastime which I fear was not quite so innocent as might be thought. The Rajah was proud of his connection. He waived Oriental prejudices, and took Tom to see it.

It exercised. Tom very much not to show or say that he thought the ladies all resembled each other to a degree that rendered it impossible to discriminate between them. And, indeed, he could not refrain from saying—

My dear Rajah, the eyes and noses and months of the ladies are magnificent, but they seem to me to be very much the same type." "Ah! my dear Resident," said the Rajah, "I have remarked in the picture papers from England that your European ladies have infinitely more of variety than ours; and I have been thinking that possibly you' might be able to get out, on my account, two or three dozen of diverse make and shape and size and colour." "Good gracious!" said Tom; "what would people in England say to such a proposal 2" "Now, why should they be shocked?" replied the Rajah. "For I read in your book, that the missionaries have translated and sent me so kindly, that Solomon was the wisest of all men, and he had more, wives than I have—at present," thoughtfully added the Rajah. Moreover, X read in your history," continued his Highness, "that not so very long ago your King Henry took a fresh wife whenever the fancy struck him, and he made room for the new-comer in a manner that has alike attracted my attention and excited my admiration." ' 'S . At this point Tom turned the conversation, but as he did so he began to think , that he was plunging poor Lily into a very dangerous position, and that it would have been wisejif he had told her to bring a lot of bridesmaids, for whom he could have so easily provided for life. Musing on this, Tom grew so silent and dull that the Rajah, having given orders for three or more ladies to be sent to his Court for inspection, set out to hunt tigers.

"By Jove," add' Tom Smith, «najm wacthed the approach of the palanquin Tor which he had been waiting all day with feevriah anxiety— "by Jove, I do believe Lily has brought the bridesmaids with her, for there must evidently be several people in the conveyance, as the bearers can . hardiy" straggle under the load." — , The palanquin stopped. The exhausted cooiiea had just strength to open the door,. And then, to Tom's astonished gaze them' appeared, not, as he thought, his Lily, but* five feet ten inches by sixteen stone. He was taming disappointedly away, when he heard— • ■&' " Tom, Tom, don't you know your Lily V Yon might have knocked Tom down with a feather. He was utterly flabbergasted.* He hardly knew what he was doing or saying, but he certainly gasped out— ' " Gracious Providence! Have I gob to marry all that ?" Poor Lily heard that cruel exclamation, and, drawing herself up till she looked quite six feet, she said : " No, Tom, not if you don't like," and so saying she fainted clean off. * Tom rushed to catch her as she fell, but how could so small a man cope with the momentum of a rapid falling body of 22411)3 weight. Tom was floored, and he and Lily lay in one heap on the ground. '."His Highness the Rajah of Alsobad," said Tom's kitmaygar, as he threw open the door and ushered that potentate into the presence of Miss Lily, on whom he was calling nominally to pay his respects, but really to satisfy his curiosity. What is the use of being an irresponsible ruler if you don't do just as the whim takes you ? 8

The Rajah was as much taken by surprise ' as Tom Smith. He was struck all of a heap by that imposing as well as unusual specimen of female attraction. Even his trained duplicity could not conceal the smile, and Lily saw it as plain as a pikestaff. The Kajah's mind was singularly quick,' and, the following thoughts coursed through his brain ; —"Splendid woman 1" " She must be mine !''< "It will be rather awkward, however, to get rid of the Resident." , As neither could speak the language of the other, the visit necessarily was brief; but it, ended significantly by the Rajah taking from' his neck a splendid chain studded with rubies, and passing it deftly over the head of the astonished Lily. Then, before she had recovered from her surprise, he had taken her hand, and distinctly and unmiatakably squeezing it, vanished from her presence. As the Rajah delighted in tiger hunts more than aught else under the sun, he thought he could not better amuse and please his new love than by having one especially for her. Lily was mounted on a white elephant, J and the party, including Tom, started fori the chase. 3 Tom felt desperate. He longed that a tiger should spring upon him and so end his fear* ful embarrassment. He sought each placf of greatest danger ; and, if the truth must be told, the Rajah saw this, and did not interfere to prevent him. Suddenly Lily was horrified to see a wounded tiger of enormous dimensions rushing straight for poor Tom, and the two rolled over in a life and death struggle. ; When she recovered the senses that she had at once lost, she found herself in the t Residency, and knew instinctively, by the', demeanour of the attendants, that all was over with poor Tom. Alone and friendless, Lily's first idea was to go home to England immediately. The emptiness of her pocket, however, was rather against that idea ; and when she applied to the Rajah for a loan, he was awfully sorry, but, as ill-luck would have it, he had just transmitted every penny ha could scrape together to Calcutta to buy muskets for hi! army. Lily didn't think he looked very sorry, but he said he was. What was she to do ? Well, she really could do nothing but write home and wait. The Rajah behaved so nicely. He did not pester Lily with his attentions; but every morning she received a beautiful bouquet of flowers, bound round with a string of jewels ; every afternoon he just called in for* a minute to see how she was, and if she had any wish that he could gratify ; and he told off a whole staff of Moonshees to teach her thelangague, ' j Time rolled on, and no answer from England. I wonder if that letter had been really posted ? Lily grew anxious- _ The Rajah watched his opportunity, ah? one day made to her, through the head Moor ■ shee, a formal offer of his hand, his hears? and the crown of Alsobad. j Lily of course knew that this was coming-* girls always do—and was prepared with heir reply. j | " Tell the Rajah," she said to the Moonshee, " that English girls cannot make one of four dozen wives." «. The Rajah bowed and retired. Next day he returned and thus orated : ' "Lily of all lilies, you alone do I love, and according to the laws of this realm—which I both make and administer myselfwhen a man ceases to love his wife the marriage contract becomes at once null and void. Hence this morning my four dozen wives that were, have returned to their friends, and I am single and free to wed whom I choose ; and I choose but thee." "Rajah," said Lily, "it is true that in me you would have the physical equivalent of at least four dozen of such as your late wives ; but still you might be wanting, as of old, to add to the number, and that I couldn't and wouldn't stand." "I am done,"said the Rajah, "with the puny women of this miserable country. I can never again love anything under two hundred pounds in weight; but I will put in the contract that if I only even smile on another, you may kill me without its being a criminal offence in this enlightened State." Lily married the Rajah, and was as happy as reasonably could be expected. The Rajah, for a Rajab, behaved really wonderfully well. He could not, however, give up his tiger hunting, and one fine day a magnificent tiger, although mortally wounded, managed to make Lily a widow. And by the Rajah's ; will, and amid the acclamation of an enthusiastic people, Lily became Regent for her son, j and acting Begum of Alsobad. *