ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXIII, Issue 7567, 20 February 1886, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Mr. Gladstone's Political Pilgrimage to Scotland may be regarded as the latest " Expedition in search of the North Poll 1" A student of medicine having courted a girl a year, and got jilted, has turned round and sued her father for the visits be paid her. The man who went to the country for "rest and change," said the waiters got most of his change, and the landlord the rest, Grocer: "Half a pound of tea. Which will you have, black or green ?" Servant,: " Shure, ayther will do. It's for an old woman that's nearly blind !" Bertha : " Grandma, is oor teef good ?" Grandma : "No, darling, I have none now, unfortunately." Bertha: "Then I'll give oo my nuts to mind till I come back." 1 A Yankee editor epigramatically defines the position of the great mans of the population when he says, " I am a capitalist at heart, but a working man from necessity." First boy: "They say you are a coward, a lazybones, a—a—a —" Second boy : "Do you know what they call you 1" First boy : " What ?" Second boy : " They don't call ; they just whistle 1" Sir W. B. Brett says that oratory has different characteristics. A politician's is characterised by fiction, an archbishop's by sarcasm, a philosopher's by pore imagination, and a lawyer's by truthfulness. Examiner (to small aspirant to the 24th standard) : " Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuokoo in regard to nesting Student " Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay bis own eggs hisself, sir." A barrister in replying to his antagonist in court, said he had a keen rapier, with which to pierce all fools and knaves, whereupon his opponent "moved the Court" that the rapier be taken from him, lest he should commit suicide. "Johnny, you are a great source of annoyance to me." " What's the matter, pa ?" You ask so many foolish questions. "1 wasn't such a big donkey when I was was your age." "No, pa, but you've grown a heap since then."

"Are you in favour of enlarging the curriculum ?" asked a School Board member of a farmer in his district. " Enlarge nothing," replied the old gentleman ; " the building's big enough; what we want is to toaoh more things to the scholars," "What you want," said the barber, as he ran his fingers through the few remaining hairs on the head of a customer" what you want is a bottle of my hair restorer." "What 1 want," replied the customer, "is a divorce." -.The barber said no more. An Englishman who was travelling in Amerioa was struck by the universal application of the term "gentleman" in that country, and inquired of an American friend who really were " gentlemen" in the States. " Wal, I guess everyone who isn't a lady !" was the reply. A curiosity in the way of a funeral notice is one lately printed in the Brooklyn papers. It is published in the columns of deaths, and is in the usual form in every respect except that it ends with the suggestive sentence, "He has bequeathed to his young widow £5000." Tenant; " I've jist been thinkin', land' lord, that I wid like my lease o' 99 years changed tae yin o' as lang as wudß grow an' watters rin." Landlord : Toots, man! Whit's a' the hurry ? Whin yer present lease iB oot jist come back tae me an' I'll renew in fur ye," Exit tenant. Very thin and miserable-looking passenger in an omnibuß, after half-an-hour's torture, to very stout passenger : I think it would be only fair if people travelling by 'bus were charged by weight." Stout and jolly-looking passenger: " You may be thankful it isn't so, as no conductor would think it worth his while to pick you up." "Accused, you are blind?" "Yea, your Honor." "You are charged with vagrancy. How did you become blind i" "By a fit of apoplexy." "Why, then, .the picture on your breast representing an exposion in a mine in which you lost your sight ?" " Please, jour Honor, because to represent apoplexy painting is powerless." A Washington lady was muoh surprised reoently upon receiving notice from her dusky cook that she was about to leave her service in order to enter into the holy state of matrimony. " Why," said she, " I did not even know you had an admirer !" " Oh, yes'm, for some time I" " Who is it, Mary ?" " Don't you 'member, Miss Lizzie, that I 'tended a funer'l about two weeks ago It'« the corpse's husband I"