ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXII, Issue 7383, 18 July 1885, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

ir is best to know what you want, if you don't get it. It may keep you from getting what you don't want. It takes a man with keen eyesight ami a braiu ol much scope to see and grasp the goiileu opportunity before it turns the corner. A New Jersey man wants a divorce because his wife hasu't spoken to him for nearly two years. Some men dou't know when they are well oil. "This is a nice time to come home, and a nice state you're in," she said. " Nice time ! —nice state I Thanks, lovey. I thought you were going to scold me." In these hard times, when borrowing is so diliicult, we'd like to know whether distance keeps up its time-honoured habit of lending enchantment to the view. " What is the last important act that George Washington did?" asked a teacher of tho juveniio story class. " 1 know/' piped a freckled youugstur; "he died. ,, A Chicago corouera jury rendered a verdict that a man whose bo.ly was found in tho river came to his death by a blow on tho head " which was given before or after drowning." Tim : "If me employer docs not retract what ho said to me this mornin' I shall lave his sarviee I" Pheliin : " Why, whot did he say !" Tim : " Sure he tould me I could look for another place." Said a penurious railroad director, " What ia the use of compelling us to put up all these signs, ' Uailroad crossing '!' Can't any fool seo that it ia ? And if he can't won't he rind it out when lie geta hit by the train ?" A. fell w namo'l Teddy Magee, Uniting h'iniowaril ono nigHt from a spree, iMut a parson, who said : " Ah ! drunk aguiD, Tod—" '•.Shorn I, pariou,' gurgled Mftgeo. If there is ono time more than another when a woman should bo left entirely alone it is when a full line of eluthes, which sho has just washed and hung out to dry, comes down in the mud. "Kind words never die." How bitterly does a man realiee that truth when he sees all the kindest words ho ever used in his life ' glaring at him from his published letters in a breach of promise suit. A very precise person remarking upon Shakspere'a lino, "the good men do is oft interred with their bonos," carefully observes this interment can generally take place without crowding the bones. A German histologiet states that we have a new brain every sixty days. We proeumo defendants in breach of .promise suits will take advantage of this scientific fact, an.l cause a " Change of Mind" Act to bo passed. "It's no use talking; Russia will not fight." "What makes you think so?" "The telegraph companies object to it." "Why bo?" "Because, in the event of war their wires will be so twisted out of tmapu with Russian names that they will bo tit for nothing but barbed wire fences." A. Nonconformist was once bandying words with a curate about episcopacy. "I should not care to live subject to a bench of bishops," he observed. " Bnt is there no authority over you ?" asked the curate. " Only a board," was the answer. " Well, what's a board except a bench with no legs to stand upon ?" A woman who started to jamp into the river and drown horaelf suddenly remembered that she had left the cat in the pantry and hurried back home. She afterwards said, " The idea of my struggling in the water, and thinking that that cat was alicking the cream off my milk in the pantry at that very minute, was more'n I could bear." A gentleman was one day, in the old coaching times, travelling by a coach which moved at a very slow pace. "Pray," said he to the guard, " what \a the name of this coach?" "The Regulator," was the reply. "And a very appropriate name, too," said the traveller, " for I see all the other coaches go by it." He began telling her of his love in impassioned tones, when suddenly her face became perfectly expressionless, her eyes assumed a tar-away, whither-am I-driffcing look, and all interest in life seemed departed. " Pardon me," he said, coldly, "your evident indifference leads me to believe that my words are distasteful to—" " N-not at-a-all, George," she articulated, with great difficulty, " b-b-but 1 feel th-that I'm a-a-aboufc to s-neeze—aw-chew-hasp chew-shjo ! There ! Now, George, as you were saying—"