ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XX, Issue 6811, 15 September 1883, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

A pise place—the police court. The keynote, " Wife, let me in !" The end of a pencil is a telling point. Chalk talk : Have a game ot billiards ? Genuine self-denial : Saying " Not at home."

Woollen goods are quoted quiet, because of their nap. Subject to fits, and pretty bad ones sometimes : Tailors.

Ruff on royalty : The historical collar of good Queen Bess. The most humorous member of a dog is the wag of his tail. Family ties become sleepers when the twins sink into slumber.

If you should happen to waufc your ears pierced, just pinch the baby. It is said that deaf and dumb people always take a hand in conversation. A. pert miss says she wears bangs because she doesu't want to look so forehead.

Size ain't everything. A watch ticking can be heard further than a bed ticking.

Life is a tiresome journey, and when a man arrives at the end he is all out of breath.

When a pickpocket gets out of practice, it takes a long while for him to get his hand in. l)oe3 a drunken man necessarily ept-ak in gutter-.il tones when he asks a friend to pick him up ? If JN'oah had foreseen the future, and killed tiie two mosquitoes which took refuge in the ark, be would have rendered some of the strongest words in our language unnecessary. "Yes," said the man in the theatre gallery, " the make-up 3 were generally fair, but there was one make-up that I should like to see—a make-up for lost time between the acts."

The poet who declared that "Curfew shall not ring to-night" was correct. It did not ring, it merely "tolled the knell of parting day." It's not often that a poet gets things as near right as that. Tho remains of a man have been dug out of the ruins of Pompeii, with both hands resting on his stomach. The building in which he was found is supposed to have been a cheap restaurant.

A Berks County (Pa.) young woman threw a pair of scissura at a man who was teasing her. As one of the points penetrated his eye he couldn't see the joke, although she claimed it was sheer nonsense.

A New York judge says that cigarette smoking is robbing the young men of their brains. When a young man says he isn't afraid of cigaret'-es hurting him, he probably knows what he is talking about. A gentleman, taking an apartment, said to the landlady, " I assure you, madam, I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears." She answered, ■' I hope it was not, sir, becauso you went away without paying." "Yes," soliloquised a veteran drinker, " Yes, it is because a man is inade of dust, that lie is always so dry. And hence, also, it is that whenever he wishes to dampen himself, he must always part with some of his dust."

Since men have a Venus, the lady theatregoers want an Adonis on the stace, says the Boston Globe. Thereupon tho Philadelphia News says, "But Ijhe Adonises won't go upon the stage. They prefer to stick to their newspaper work. This is official.' A Conditional Immortalise was recently ventilating his theories in the hearing of a Scotchman, and contending that there was no difference between a man and a beast. Whereupon the canny Scotchman replied, " then you would not be offended if I called you an ass." " Why, that man was your chum at school, and you two were always inseparable, yet now you pass hi'm with a cool bow. Has any dispute occurrcd ?" " Oh, no ; we dearly love each other still, but it would not look well to show it. I have become a doctor, arid he has become an undertaker."

The hair of a girl employed in an Eastern cotton mill was caught in the machinery, torn off her head and ground into bits. But the girl didn't mind it much. She kept right on at her work, simply remarkiug that it only cost four dollars, anyhow, 'lhis 13 one of tho advantages of art over nature. "Female printers pop the question to the male " typos" by simply handing them an interrogation point—lf the latter intend to embrace the opportunity and accept, they return a brace thus, " but, if they wish to decline and dash the cup of happiness from the fair one's lips, they hand over a "