ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVIII, Issue 6099, 4 June 1881, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

The strongest natures are the vtSenileresi. and most pitiful. i "--.'"'J. ■.;!■■" '■-' 'j It life's but a dream at the best, we pire- ;'■..;.-•■??! sumo that it is. a nightmare at , the worst. '. '■'''>> A counter-irritant is described as a" woman -?] who is for ever shopping, and never finds aiiy- [i -■ thing she wants* " '■ \;-y-■■'.."/.:.i ■'■ .■'.';? The right kind oE a. boy, with. a pea- ' .■; j shooter, can take a man's inind.off hisbusi- . ! ; ness troubles and politics Quicker'than any-" ..; ;§ thing else iu this bleak cold world. ;..;•. ,K:: ■■ ':'.-. S You. can excuse a man for taking agloomy ■/. view of life when he names.his child for:a- ■ : /j rich uncle and the uncle allows it, 'and .the..':; ./a day after baptism goes into bankruptcy. .'. ;■: y.*i The custom is not to. say a good word lor- .; ig any man wnile he has life leftVin.-.hiin to ..'..' / H appreciate it. One-half of the eulogies given ■■. ./;; the dead would encourage the living, by 50 / : f| percent.. . _. .. . . /' \;ws A-physieiau has just discovered • that ■ ,\l drinking cider causes rheumatism, tllcjpic&j'. ! '"■)=' AVhe 11 eider makes a fellow have walking,, of course it's .I"";- .-\\ what should we..Jo ;;: .! sieian? . ~~~7 -■^yij^^;^S^.a:?^'^: , "' '■■.■■" A French chemist has /■-... produce tliunder-stonns. A 16jig:lia|fW.the '■■■: coat collar, of a different colour^ it : v ' should lie, will produce thiinder v st<irras, ; ; ; though the Frenchman lias prpbaUy got:" ;.;.__: different method. '■.'.-.. .",.'■ ' . :

An exchange tells of a young lady wlo, six months after a happy marriage,.!on beicg asked if she was much. troubled \tft.h cold feet, simpered hesitatingly and with ingenuous simplicity, " Ye-yes; they're not mj' own." Professor, examining a student,; "What is a virgin forest?" Student:"A forest where no one has ever'been." . Pr.ofes3dr, severely: "Shall I never be able to induce you to express your ideas elegantly and classically ? Why couldn't you say, ' A forest where the hand of man has ..never left its footprint'?" . •■'■-.• ::--.. Rev. J. G. Gregson, of India,, at a.recent temperance meeting in London, showed how the natives associate the drinking habits of Englishmen with their religion. A learned, pundit, speaking to him of. a native, said, "That nlan will soon be a :Christian, " What <1q you mean ?" " Why, h> drinks brandy and water." '■.''-'■' '. Scene, Life Insurance Office in, DublinSurgeon of the company: "Heart-and liversound as a bell. Be Gavge, yeVe the foinest life I iver saw, sor ! What's your business or profession, now ?" Applicant: 'T haven't got any." Surgeon: "FVyhatl ye don't mean to say ye've got land?" Applicant r "A few acres." Surgeon: ,f ]?aitb, thin, I'm sorry for ye. Be gorra, ye won't do for-; us !" Certificate refused. .

The train hail run into a snow-drift, an<i: the engine was butting its head ia yaia ■ against a six-foot b«ank: "For once the.' iron horse appears to be beaten," remarked a fat woman in a second-class . carriage;* ""Toil shouldn't call it aniroiihorse," mildte. reproved a solemn-faced man.' , ; ' ''. Why hot ?*■■-■ asked the fat woman .inwibifts?,surprisL "Because it's block tin,'.' softlyi'ihnrniiir& the solemn-faced man, as; he.;gazQd "out hfthe window and acrpss-the,.wintry.was%. far-away look in his eyet.;■-..; ~'T :"". A Vermont man sjeepitig-car -was accosted by his whowas .also putting on.his. shoes;.wrth: the inquiry, " My friend, are yon a richinan ?" The Vermonter looked but ,, answered; the. pleasant-faced; -bired-looking Seutteinari. -Witt* a "Yes, I'm curred, and thehiCame '■• How rich ate.yon?" He^*^^;'4^ u » £140 000' oi- £lßo,ooa.i , AVhy'£^^W 6IJ » said the old ifl say, you are, and snored-as :IGHd-as.l;;inow-you do, I would hire, a whole.Elee^^yer^ i time I travelled.:""; ,' O J - : .'.-. r "- : -