ASMODEUS MEDITATETH ON THINGS IN GENERAL.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVIII, Issue 6063, 23 April 1881, Page 6

ASMODEUS MEDITATETH ON THINGS IN GENERAL.

ASMODEUS otten taues a constitutional perambulation down the wharf, maugre the smelly proclivities of tho town end thereof; and his rightoou3 soul hath been muchly exercised, from time to time, at seeing the woeful aud reckless waste of the goods of shippers and consignees, at the hands of "those that go down to the sea in ships." Casks stove in, and the contents left to run outattheirownswect will; packages smashed, or left about in every position save that in which the directions request they should be placed ; bags recklessly torn by clip or dog hooks, and cargo rakes; and other such things, meet one at every turn, at busy seasons. Asinodeus thinks that if the ship was made responsible for such maltreatment, would have far less wilful wash or damage.. It may be hard on the ownera at first, but they would soon be compelled to refuse all goods that are insufficiently packed, and take decent caro of those that are. The public are the only sufferers, as usual, for the loss and damago thus recklessly done to the goods must be made up by the merchants and retailers. " Waste not, want not," seems totally inapplicable lo the shipping business; so they waste right and left in the full and perfect assurance, that whoever wants in consequence, it will not bo themselves. The Chamber of Commerce: might do some good in this direction, if they were riot too much occupied by petty squabbling and abstract propositions. O, for a commercial Luther, in these degenerate days. So mote it be.

"Soft.and low, breathe and blow" (Teunyson) about the highways and byways of Austral Gotham, the intelligence that "crinolines "are coming into fashion agaiu. Is it not a fearful and soul-stirring piece of information, calculated to shake the foundations of society to the centre V If you. doubt;it. just look at the columns now given in aiiy Auckland paper, anent the why, the how, and the wherefore of all sorts of; slangwhangily named feminine toilets (albeit discreetly silent as to the " wherewithal") ; j?.nd note the breathless interest of the feminine readers thereof, in the various twaddling items tiierein contained. The astound-; ing fact, chronicled above, re crinolines, will therefore produce a soul-entrancing superhicumbency of interest in the feminine " uppysuckliah " coteries of Austral Gotham, and a buzzin' in the buzzims of the Mary Aunes and Matilda Janes, of the class of lady helps. It will also bring about many and varied repetitions of extracts from the ."comminution service" from Tom, Willie, or Harry, when they begin to realise that, instead of walking close alongside Amanda or Belinda, or dancing witli them in graceful and contiguous circumgyrations, they will liavc to, perambulate lugubriously along at arm's length, with an aggravating see-saw of steel hoops on their shins ; or dance in a position muchly the reverse of that assumed by the Apollo Belvidere, the inevitable result of having to dance around a millinerycovered bird-cage, insteadof round a willowy, graceful, flesh and blood maiden. The ladies are ready enough to admit that the fashion is ugly, inconvenieut, and preposterous ; yet they are bound to accept it if some Parisian milliner chooses to say that it is " bon ton." They sing in the words of Punch— "Lcsbia liath a waist refined, And with such moderate drapery round it, MrTio can tell hor heart's confined I'rom breaking bounds, when lovo hath found it. But, O my crilonina dear, My ever darling crinolina— Grace/nl the shape that Lcsbia drapes, But ' ton's' in yours, my crinolina.

It is refreshing in these days of "profess everything, but do nothing" to find a man, or body of men, who act up to their professions. Take, for instance, a. certain Board, vhich professes to be a Waste Lands Board, whose aotions seem lfitterly directed towards carrying out its title in its integrity, by keeping the Waste Lauds under its care. Waste still. So much so, that is a difficult job, indeed, to get any at a reasonable figure, or with a reasonable amount of trouble, unless you be a new chum land speculator, or a Timbuctooshire fanner. Asmodeus thinks that one colonial who wishes to go to the country and farm, is worth a dozen new chums who wish to do so also. "Cos'vy ?" The oolonial knows what he lias to expect, and what'he is about, and tackles to it accordingly ; while the new chums almost expect everything to bo ready to their hand; and the land to clear itself, and the crops to sow themselves under their mesmeric glance alone ; and if thoy are disappointed (as they arc in nine eases out of ten) thoy write home, and abuse the colony " [ike anything," and so do an infinity of harm to the country whose Waste Lands Board favours them so mush inoro than it does its own flesh and blood. Let US-hope that instead of acting on the saying, " A. man is never a prophet in his own country," they will act on the one that says, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," or in other words, a genuine colonial settler is worth two new chums any day, if the Board really wishes the waste lands to cease and determine as such.

Theso are the days ofjmercy in Austr.il Gotham. Mercy for everything upon the earth, or .above the earth, or under the earth, except for a man of our own race. Schoolmasters* cane their refractory larrikins in terror of the consequences ; carters flog obstinate horses with the certainty of an interview with the Beak for it ; a man who doesn't give his beasties plenty to eat and drink is put on bread and water himself in Mount Eden; dogs may walk off with legs of mutton, but you mustn't thrash 'em for it; goats and stray cattle may deetroy the work of years in your gardens, but though you may pound 'em, you mayn't cudgel or stone 'em; nin;-j}ri may march on your land and plough your iinest pastures, under your nose, but if they arcs sent to gaol, and well fed and clothed there, it is an iniquitous crime on our part, aud an English M.P., prompted by an Austral Gotham resident (beloved of the Town Clerk) creates ructione at home, thereanent, but if an unfortunate Eortor, goaded to madness at losing his cense and hia livelihood, shakes his portorian fist at tho Inspectorial nose ; "Oh dear 1 that's a difforont thing." It's a case

marck " has the choice of paying his entire | earnings for three months, 1 and failing doing j :so, cos he had it not, has to go and herd with felons at Mount Eden for that period. .Deary me,.; .why didn't the fool pummel the inspectorial nose, instead of simply threatening it, and then it would have only been a fine of £5, or a month. But, I suppose, he ,-\yill know better next time. : . ■ Asmodeus is penetrated, with, the most profound and unalterable couviction that ■some people are; born with argentiferous ladles in their mouths, . while others ain't got even a wooden toothpick in 'em at that interesting period of their existence. Take, fox , instance, the Inspector of Asylums in this favoured land. Foisted on;us in. bygone times, the times of rollicking millions, and Vogelian ructions in the money ing line, became, ho saw, he entered into possession. The salary a cool £700 a; year, or nearly £2 a day, and for what? Let his own statements show. He says, "He is not ■responsible for anything wrong in the asylums,'.'■ "and that, it is the business of the' Superintendents to look into it, not his." ''He never saw a Jstraight-waistcoat in his life ;" "he declines any responsibility whatever," .&c./&c. ..Happy man! who can pocket £2 per diem.." it. has been for years, ■ and it may be for ever." For such a minimum of responsibility, who wouldn't bp a Vogelian Inspector? and. isn't New-Zealand an issaeharine ass to stand it ? . ..-

Tell it not in Gath, whisper it not in the streets of Austral, Gotham,' but that ultra Conservative .(that's tho modern phi-ase for pig-headed obstructivenes3) body the Harbour Board, is at last stirring.in the mafer of a proper dock,. to supersede the present melancholy monument :of, their folly, or rather, of the folly of two of. ths old mem-bei-3, aided by tho old.chairman's,vote, and casting vote. The . old- leaven still, fermenteth; and having the. firmest belief in the Scriptural declaration'that "a. .little, leaven leaveneth. ; the whole lump," they cling to their place, and hope tho leaven is fulfilling its mission among their more pro.gressive compeers.- : Poor, , benighted crear tares ! Know ye notthatior ye the days of. unleavened bread are at hand, and tliat there is a factor already stirring in the business — a factor that ye may pooh-pooh as much aa ye please, hut one which ..will sweep ye with the besom of destruction, unless ye get out. of the way ; a factor that is potential, for it is the public, whose servants ye are, to whom the harbour belongs, and whose money ye administer as agents, pro. tern. Go to, ye antediluvians ! : Kiiowyo not that in Austral Gotham the daj's of cock-boat skippers and fishing-smack trading vessels are now over,; and if ye won't awake to that fact, don't suppose that we are all asleep also. .-...'. ASMODEDS.