ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVIII, Issue 6063, 23 April 1881, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

"What plan," said one actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house at ray benefit ?" " Invite your creditors," was the surly ■reply. . .;: . . At lowa farmer says : ' ' We raise four hundred bushels of potatoes to the acre here, which would be a big thing if we didn't also raise insects enongh to eat.'em all up." ThelawsofMexicoaroabitcurious. It takes only 15 minutes to convict a man of stealing a horse, but if his offenco is murder it takes about four weeks to convict some one «lse of it. ' " • . " A pretty actress settled her advertising bill in a Little Rock newspaper office the other week by kissing the editor. Arkansas editors don't get very rich, but they have a heap of fun. t -. ; - ■; "What decoration is that you are wearing !" said an Austrian sergeant to a new recruit. The man blushed deeply- and responded, •'it's a medal our cow woa at the cattle show." " ~ " I swear," said a gentleman to his ladv love, "you are very handsome."- " Ptooh," said the lady, "so you would say if you did not think so." " And so you would, think," answered he, " though I should not say so." A Troy girl who has been deaf since childhood, regained her hearing ' through the mediumship of a handsome young doctor who tackled her case. He sat down beside her and began telling her how good-looliing she was. . : .•-..; r .• Beaconsfield, it is said, wrote "Endymion" twenty years ago. ~ Therefore, young man, be not cast down that your contributions to the papers have been rejected. Instead of sending them to an inappreciative press, stow them away for twenty years. At the end of that time they may bring you much gold. At any rate, it is worth trying. Stow them away. i ; .' The wondors of Telegraphy : The Principal (from the city, through the telephone, to the foreman at the " Works."): "How do you get on, Pat ?" Irish forersian (in great awe of theinstrument): " Very well, sir; the goods is sent off." The Principal (knowing Pat's failure): "What have you got to driuk there ?" Pat (startled): ' ■ Oeh ! look at that hot ! It's my breath that's done it!"— Punch. : "

Mr. Florence relates that the elder Booth, while playing Hamlet in a Virginia town, found hhnselt without the important skull. A little darkey volunteered to j_ct one. When Booth was leaving the theatre he felt some one tugging at his coat tail. He looked around and saw the little nigger. " What will you have, sonny ?" " Please, sah, I want daddy's skull, sail." "Daddy's skull?" " Yes, sah. Dat used ter bo de ole .man's headpiece afore de mewel kicked him, an , maminy'll lick me to rags ef I lose it." A clergyman taught an old man in his parish to read, and had found in him an apt scholar. After the lessons had finished he had not been able to call at the cottage for some time, and when he did, he only found the wife at home. "How's John ?"' said the clergyman. "He's canny, sir," said the •wife. " How does he get on with his reading?" "Nicely, sir." "Ah, I suppose he will read his Bible very comfortably now." j "Bible, sir! Bless you, he was out of the Bible and into the ne'wspaper long ago."