ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVI, Issue 5520, 26 July 1879, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

Roth was a good girl, and she had as fine - a Boaz coold be found in those days.' ' > in P°. Tert J>" »»js a modern- mo- ,■■■; .. . 1 13 nothing ;it is living in poverty that comes hard on a fellow." 8 ' ' Grace (whispering) : " What lovely boot* i your partners got/' Mary (ditto): "Yes. —P«ncA at<ily he BhinßS at th ® wrong end." ' . Br ?- oe bad recourse to the sword, and Tell to a bow and arrow; but when a woman - handsoru' a11 . a, l awaken in Heaven," wrote.ia fair young gm before she took arsenic. But she - with t °°. mnoh , for a death dOBO . Md awoke with a stomach-pump down her throat » W ?'j a - ne ?' buU one of °ur clergymen ' perpretrated m his sermoa the other day. Speaking of Bunyan in prison, he said, '• No one but hisi blind daughter came to see him. .. r were vaunting their courage. » Den" Xt'f °' Dothi < I isn't," said one. . Den, Sam I reckon you isn't 'feared to loan me a dollar No, Julius, I isn't 'feired to "• loan you a dollar, but I hate to part with an ole iren'for ebber." * A Western paper gives this little bit of baekwood gossip between parent and ohild : . 1 it wll , n S of a dog always followed » y w a ? e! i asked a little girl of her father. .u t °\ a . aya .' r » sometimes the man that shoots at the dog misses him," was the parent s reply. . A lady desired to communicate by electri* city to her huaband in the city the aiza of an illuminated text which she had promised for the Sunday school room. When the order reached him it read, " Unto us a child is born, mue feet long by two feet wide." Boston Herald. It's funny when you ask a man to advertise he generally declines with the statement that nobody will see it._ But if you advertise some little caper of his in the news columns gratis, he gets indignant over the certainty that everybody will see it. At least that is nhat a veteran newspaper man eays about it. Visitor from the country, at the door of a Southaide residence, to a German next door —"Jane not at home, did you say J" " Nien, Chane's nod at home." " Where is she?" " She's gone to the cemetery down." "When will she come back!" "Oh, sho von't come back already any more; she's gone to stay; she's det." A near-sighted Boston man was lately tiding in a street car, when a lady opposite bowed to him. He returned the bow, raised .'" his hat, and smiled sweetly, and was just wondering who she was, when she came over and whispered in his ear, " Oh ! I'll fix yon for this, old man 1" Then he knew it was his wife. It makes a mother's heart revert to her young days when she comes into the parlour the next morning after her daughter's beau has been around and finds only one chair in front of the fire-place, and all the others sitting along by the wall, as if they hadn't bnen touched for three years.—Boston Advertiser. One of the saddest and most vexatious trials that comes to a girl when she marries is that she has to discharge her mother and depend upon a hired girl.—Troy Times• But the saddest time for the new-made husband is when the wife doesn't disoharge her mother, but takes her home with her.—St. A lb .'Advertiser. Lidy (to French governess): "lam shocked to find that my daughter has been receiving letters in French from a young man." Governess : "PardoD, madame. It ia only, my little ruse to cheat mam' Belle into study. When she wonld reply to an unknown lover —a! Frenchman—mon Dieu, how quickly she will learn my language !" First customer (going to be married): What ia the correct thing for me to have for my wedding? Tailor's Assistant: "Frock coat—bine, with white vest and light trousers. Second customer (who is to be best man) : " And what should the groomsman wear ?" Tailor's Assistant (evidently labouring under an error) : " Oh. the usual liverv. sir !" He was saying, "As the pearly column of smoke in a winter's atmosphere rises unbroken heavenward, so my heart rises to thee. As the sunflower follows the crucl sun wliich gives it life, so my heart follows the. As the blue broek runs its unhindered course to the sea, so my soul, in slavery, goes to thee." Said she, " Henry, now that we're engaged, will your penknife cut corns ?" Female Epicure : "Oh mister, I'm sura that was a bad one !" Oyster Salesman (indignantly):" What d' yer mean? Then you shouldn't a' swallered it, mom I I've been in this trade a matter o' ten years, and never—" ■ Lady : "Well, it certainly left a nasty taste —" Salesman (mollified) : " Well, there's no denyin' that some on 'em is 'igher in flavour than others !"—Punch. It would be much better if young ladies and young gentlemen, too, for that matterwould learn and inwardly digest Scott'B novels, though they had to read them once again every year, then waste their time over Ouida and Miss Braddon. It would be innch better to study Shakespeare than Swinburne, and to acquire a real mastery of "the Bible" : than to potter over the latest trash of the railway book-stall.—Saturday Review. ; " Mac," of the Hartford Times, wrifclric from Washington, says:—"The 'origin*! speech-writers' make a living by furnishing speeches to order to members of Congress, . have been quite busy of late. ; One of these gentlemen furnished six speeches ' on the Army Appropriation Bilf He has already got one up on the. puted points in the Legislative Bill,: and has orders for four more. These speeches are among the best that will be delivered on the Bill, and, besides being well filled with flowers, are stored with facts and more information than a new Congressman could gather in a month," ,' Evan Evans, aged forty-five, of Brecon, ! described as a gentleman, waa charged at the' Marylebone police oourt with being arunk and incapable in Maidavale. It appeared, that the prisoner was found at night lying drank and insensible, and was conveyed to the Portland-town police station. An inspector stated that a doctor was sent for end found that the prisoner suffered from some , affection of the head. The prisoner, the witness added, had lost £3000 while'iu the state in which he was found, and wished to go to the bank as quickly as possible. - Mr. de Rutzsn said that under those circumstances he shonld discharge the prisoner. - As every resident knows, the main object aimed at in building the Palace Hotel was to construct a hotel with a roof so high and/ isolated as to be inaccessible to cats. .'Six.; months ago, however, a guest was rudely fired out of that tavern for Bitting up all night; with a sick lady boarder, or some snch. trifle, and he resolved on a terrible revenge. . The next day he returned carefully disguised, and carrying kittens of assorted sexes' in each pocket of his Ulster. He asked to be permitted to visit the roof, and while tnere stealthily discharged his feline freight; Today there are sixteen hundred and forty-two ' cats, and a mortgage on the edifice in ques- . tion.—San Francisco News-Letter. The " Intelligent Vagrant" tells the follow ing story:—At a scholarship examination ia ' Wanganui lately, of children under ten veara. of age; from the state schools there; these amongßt other questions, were put:—"Name the two most pMcious, secure, and accessible ' harbours in New .Zealand." One child ia reported to have ; written in reply—'l herd father last nite sai therye were tennuspapers fiteing about this, and that the editor of theWanganui Herald was a a donkee.". The child might have made a worse answer. It ' was strictly non-commitaL Tshould like to 1 have the question put to the editors respectively of the Auckland,, Wellington, Christ- • church, Timaru, Invercargifl, Teiircia, Oamaru, and Dunedin newspapers. . A story is told of an old mariner who. keeps a little hotel down here, writes a correspondent from Coney Island, .Ifew. York's seaside resort. His wife vraa very anxious to have ahorse, an animal In wnlcn the old gentleman took bat little interest - and the old lady finally won cot her horse. The steed was of an erratic and playful disposition, and used, on the least provocation, to tear madly along, tho heach and succeeded in spilling' the old ladvsoveral times.. Atlut thecapUin, who had never driven' the beast, volunteered to. break him of liis .-vicious habit; so, giiting -... asother old salt to aid him, he- procured a kedge anchor with a stout line 'attached. Fasteningthe «nd of the. linp aro'qhd. the [ axle, and putting theanchorinto thephaeton? the fiery imtamed'was hitched. up, ■ and tho two gentlemen; fta a' drive 'along the. V .shore. SoottthavieiQns anlmalespied eoaae-,, thing which gave" haxtuaii, ei<Suj§ to rup away: . and. immediateJv dayhtiij~nff f .yivacity. . The and'Bummoaed all - Tha anchor .was let :r the r Band; Th n nnn vg pranced' Joyously alonjmtilhosß^'f..tQ v^M> -? end of the rope, and so the ahaatrin wm' and theWo'.'d&lgentlemen' shotnp fak&vSM " air like a couple of oomihg-dovh. in a fearfully dilapidated heese is now toe eata,