ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVI, Issue 5478, 7 June 1879, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

A Pressing Xecsssitv.—A flat iron. A Pooh Relation.—A story badly told. Suits to tub Swket.—Bridal trousseaux. ■When Boys Take the Kod Meekly , . At fishiug-time. A Man with a Cast is his Ettk. —The stage manager. It is beauty's privilege to kill time, and time's privilege to kill beauty. The right kind of man will always have his Ufa insured. It gives his wife's second husband a start. "Dipped into a week solution of accomplishments" is the term now applied to girls professing to be " so highly educated." The man who is waiting for something toturn up generally finds it when he steps on a barrel-hoop. If Si-o-u-x spells sue, and e-y-e spells i, aud s-i-g-h-e-d spells side, why doesn't ij-i-o-u-x-e-y-e-s-i-g-h-e-d spell suicide ? A Sunday school boy of Maysville, Ky., was asked by the superintendent if his father was a Christian. " Yes, sir," he replied, " but he ia not working at it much." Philosophers siys that shutting the eyes makes the sense of hearing more acute. A wag says that this accounts for the many closed eyes that are seen in church. Kansas Teacher: "Where does all yonr grain produce go to?" Boy: "It goes into the hopper." Teacher: What hopper?" Boy (triumphantly) : " Grasshopper." A Japanese student, newly arrived in this. country, thought we were all doctors, because everybody took his hand and ask after hie health. There is probably not a woman in all this broad, sunny land of ours who doesn't think that the carving fork wa» made for the express purpose of pulling corks out of bottles.

"Mow docs my inouetache impress you 2'.: asked a conceited fop of a young lady, to which she replied, "It impresses me with the idea that your upper lip is mourning for the loss of your brains."

The just published report of an Irish. benevolent; society contains one paragraph rich iu caustic humour. It says :—"Notwithstanding the large amount paid for medical attendance, very few deaths occurred during the year."

A Solemn Warning.—Tell me, ye angelic hosts, messengers of love, shall swindled printers here below have no redress abore? The shining angel band replied, " To us is knowledge given; delinquents on the printer's book can never enter heaven."

English is the court language of Germany. It ia a proud moment when a Britain or American, visiting the palace, is saluted with, " Dot vos a pooty schplentit morning, ain't it?"

The Chinese Encyclopaedia meets a longfelt want, and no family should be without it. It was published in Pekim in 5020 volumes, and at the price of £2000 is the same as given away.

Genius, without energy, iz az bad oph az a lururiaut hop-rine without enny pole. Euergy iz what wins ; menny men fail to reach the mark'bekause the powder in them asn't prosphaned to the lead.— Jos7i Billings. Warder, " Now, then, you haven't cleared up your call properly." Prisoner (sarcastically)—" All right gov'ner ; if yer ain t satisfied with the work, and don't think it up to the wages ; you've got the remedy in your 'ands. Try a lock out I"

There is nothing more wonderful than the effect of vanity on the human mind. Wβ hear of a youug lady who was presented with half a dozen costly night-gowns, elaborately embroidered in coloured silk, not long ago, and she became a somnambulist for the next bix nights running.— Boston Globe.

A witty young lady wae onoe told by a gentleman of her acquaintance, "that he must have been born with a silver spoon in his mouth." She looked at him carefully, and, npon realizing the size of his mouth, replied : "I don't doubt it; but it must have been a soup-ladle."

Iα a primary school not long ago. the teacher undertook to convey to her pupils an idea of the uses of the hyphen. She wrote on the blackboard " Birds-nest," and pointing to the hyphen -aeked the whole school, " What ie that for?" After a short pause a small piped out, "Please., ma'am, for the burd to roost on."

A Hard Hit.—"la it becoming to me ?" asked she, as she paraded in the costume of one hundred years ago, before the man who is not her lord and master, but is her husband. " Yes, my dear," said he, meekly. "Don't you wish I could dress this way all the time I" she said. "No, my dear," he answered; " but I wish you had lived when that wa3 the style."

"I'm a wolf, and this is my night'to howl !" yelled a tough-looking customer bouncing into San Jose bar-room, and knocking a row of beer glasses over with abigclnb. " I'm a derrick, and this my night to lift," quietly remarked the proprietor as lie obliqued round to the stranger's rear. Both the liftiug and howling were complete accesses.

A iSob Hill young woman tried to be aria, tocratic and did not look at the money that she yave to the horse car condnotor, bat he meekly gave her back the lozepge, on which was inscribed, "I'll never cease to love tnee," and said that he was an orphan with fire little brothers to support. , ■ ..-

A worthy clergyman of the > Church] of Scotland, having . gone to a distant part of the country as one of a deputation on some important business, necessary to spend a few days in Two of his brethren there, haying become aware of his intention to remain over the Sabbath, requested him to preach for them on that day.' ble agreed to do so, but unfortunately, having only oue sermon in his pocket, was obliged to preach from the same text in both pulpits. The text was, " Now Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," <&o. In the evening he addressed a meeting in a mission chapel in the euburba from the same words. The next morning on hia going out it happened that the bell of the churches, for some cause or other, was'being rung. He inquired of a passer-by the reason of this, remarking, "It sounds aa if itwere tolling for some one dead." "That may be, ■ said the townsman, recognising the preacher, whom he had involuntarily heard three times the previous day, " for-I heard yesterday three times that ' Peter's wife's mother was sick o , a fever.' It's no unlikely she may hare dee'd through the niohfc."