"GREAT IS DIANA OF THE EPHESIANS."

New Zealand Herald, Volume V, Issue 1331, 21 February 1868, Page 3

"GREAT IS DIANA OF THE EPHESIANS."

(WHAT THE " NOBLE ABMY " THINK OF " JiWETKWKNCIIMENT.") Scene.—ln a Department-Time, 2 p.m-Augustus brawling Bablington, Ksq.,junr., discovered lolling against h.e desk, with his aristocratic feet (in canvas and pipeclay) elevated upon tho back of a chair Ho is attired in " Tnis Styl* ! J UB t Out!' Five Guineas! ! A conglomeration of loeketa, greenstones and chain depend from his vest button-hole His hair Iβ careful y parted in t| )e m i dcUo| un(l bruabed b , ck . warde. lucre 18 a something on his upper lip boarina microscopic resemblance to the ghost of a moustache! He holds a newspaper at arm's length, looking fixedly conL^ti^a-fd'dTsgrt. 0 ' mingled »*»&»«* Augustus Drawling Baolington (sotlo voce). Good Grwac.ous! Here's these miarwablo rwatepayera again about rwetrvrenchment j here'* a wrwetolied, mean, B ti n , v artic io in the prwesa suiting totheGonwwul und Pwovincial Gov'mont tuej.ibowishun of Civil Service Pensions, the weducjon of ealiirwiea.-and,—weil-well-by Jupitor! the consolidation of all the departments of the PrwV Trace under one head. If. my pwivato opinion that the W rweferred to would be a vewy fit study for a phrwendogirt at the conclusion of its carweer. Iho ideah of such rwespoueible offices as the Co'weotoro Customs, liwegietrwar of tho Supweme Court and many others "being rwolled into one !"-it's prweposterwoHs. Why they're worked off their pwecious legs already. Vewy nearly rweduced to shadows, and their appearance is enough to brwinß eara into the eyee of the Ewefawm League If there s to be any rweduclion at all it ought to be in the work. A prwocious nice lot they are too, th eße

Rwefawraahu. It's rwodiculous to hear such sucking Kwefawmahs and woulj-be Colonial Secrwetarwies addrweseing public meetings and airwing their liiterwary-DoWing-clase orwations about rweraodelling tho departments and cr-r-r-cwruehiDg rweduction. It's my pwiviite opinion most of 'em's nrwettv well rweduced alrweadv. I don't want to he hard on the fewwahe, but I wouldn't like to offer 'em my billet at £400, wrwetched salarwy as it is. And there's that infoinal muffthenewmembah for—what , -* his name. He's pwoiichingallsortsofabsurddoctwinesaboutweducing taxation, and he's tabling a weguhr pile of notices of motion about knocking off na!erwies. By Jove tho Clerk of the Council must be a wegular perwambuhitiog manifold witer and rweadymade grwammar —and they Vβ " consolidiited," him too; I wonder what the countwy Is drwifting to. I wonder whether Bigglos hue rwoad this article in the Prweus F [Grufflas Morpheus Biggies, the individual referred to, is a hale hearty looking official, of the " old dentity species. His wife knows that there are just six grey huirs in hie otherwise raven locks. His whiskers are in that semi-military cut, patronised br tho genus official. He's 45 years of age ; has been just twenty years in the Civil -Service, and a trifle ovor seventeen in receipt of £600 a yeur, ao that ho is entitled to a clear £300 a year by taking the benefit of the Civil Service Superannuation Act. Altogether Bigdes is just that kind of animal out of which a good deal of work may bo got for many years to come,—if Biggies be willing to do it. At this particular stago of his official career, Mr. Biggies is enjoying his af.ernoon siesta, after the fatigues of signing imd sealing six official documents, and demolishing two veal outlets, washed down with a glass of " Colonial beeth," (3d—Biggies eays he prefers it to English, and likes to encourage Colonial manufactures. Bully for patriotic Biggies). H e is now sleeping tranquilly, prepiratory to arising liko a giant refreshed, to attach his name to six more documents, after the faithful discharge of which onerous and responsible duties, he will leave his junior to close the department, and will depart homewards in that happy and contented frame of mind, the consciousness of having done one's duty produces, to seek the reward of hi» labors in tho b;>eom of hij family. But as it wanto sometime yet of 4 o'clock, (Biggies especially loves that hour, and, slightly modifying the old adage, thinks " better eiirly than late," a good motto—after 10 a.m.) Hβ his, howover, as we have twice previously observed fust ualeop, betokening the profundity of his slumber by a regular aad uninterrupted succession of somnolent chords. Poor dear old Biggies, what an intensely interesting picture of slumbering official innocence and infantine tranquility he is! Blcbs him! How tho hard furrows, and brow-wrinkles —ni'irks of many a hard iron triumph in desperate memorandumiad campaigns—are smoothed into smiling dimples. Peradveature he dreameih delieioudy of snug sinecures, and ministerial patronage, or beholdeth from his Mount Pisgah, tho gruen fields and pastures of the goodly promisod land, fr .grant and flowing with the milk and honey of tho Superannuation Act. Dormiat! Biggies.] Augustus D Bablington.—The lazy brwute ! He's taking what he calls hij"reg'lar afternoon rwefrweshcr."Thefowwah'sareg)ilnrewindlerofthe public; he's obtaining rwevenuo under falso prwetences. He's always grumbling too about his " claims upon the countwy," and his " long services ;" and he rwepwimnnda us poor devils of subs for not " keeping tho documents in prop ill ordah," "tho departments in tborwough efficiency, ic.—hah ! (Crushe3 the newspaper in (iisguct on the table, ovoking an unusually long-drawn und half-startlod snort from Biggies, followed by a sigh, a brief suspension of usual respiration, gradually becoming reassured and subsiding into the old melody allegro.) Higgle (alsT reassured), (iad, I'm deuced glad it didn't arwouse him, ho gwowls like a hungarwy bear just disturbed in his luir—eh! that's poetwy ! Urn, let's eee :— lie prowovrls ike n hunprwy bear Just disturbed in his l.iir. Eh ! That's not so bad. Ic doesn't seem to scan quite jquiire through. (Counts the syllublea on hi* fingers). Oh, hungrwy's too many —

He prowls like a bear Just disturbed iu his lair. Gad, I'll c impose an opigrwam on Biggies—when I've got tho time, and the whothah ain't so eult-y. Wiaj] I'd boon seventeen years in tho department like Biggies. Lucky f. wwah ! Let's see, what is he ? He's Mrs.St d'e sister's cousin's uncle—that'shfcr bwother ain't it?—eh! blessed if I know! P'rwaps Biggies might wotire, shall I offer him a hundrwed to go out ? Urn, yes, eh by Jove, though—did I hear him thrweuteu to do it the other day ?—did I ? Urn, " memory is " —is—it is (drwat it) " memory is" si vowy useful thing when it's a good uu. However, ho said, yen, he said, (puts his finger to hia forehead, and for a few minutes" is absorbed in profound thought)—Ay, he *aid "he be d dif they rweduced him if he wouldn't wetireandmake the office cost them £900." Huwwah ! Biggies is out. Bablinirton's in. I won't composo the opigwam, because Biggies might find it out and get mo sacked before ho wetiree—he's got grweat interest, Biggies has (aloud, to Junius Soruboy, the junior clerk,) I say Scrubby, have you read this arti'lo in tho Prwess F Junius fCiiUIiEY (glancing up from the desk where ho has been working most industriously) : Ay?

A. D. B.: Hay! (solto roce.) He's an illumanared young wetch, and trweats his supewiors with marked dieweepoct. I'll weport him to Biggies the first chance I get (Aloud.) Have you pewuaed this widiculouß message by the Super ? J. d.: The soup—ah, disgraceful, Mr. Bablington -—and tho eilver spoons, too.

A. D. B. {sotto voce) : Eh! what! surely he does not suspect me—if I thought he did— hat no, lie dar'nt. (Aloud.) Yes, Scrwubby, my boy, it's outrwngeous detestable, abominable—in fact it's quite impwopah.

j. K., (suavitcr) : You've very appropriately chancti-riaed it, sir. In fact, it's exactly what Bttid to FortumUus Bungloall, only yesterday, -when I heard about tho etartling revelations of tho Committee. I beg pardon, sir. You know Bungleali, I presume (A. D. B. waves his hand in nucha manner a.s to sir/nify that he h is some remote knowledge of that individual) Well, Air. Bablington, I said to him (sinking his voice to a whisper) —and aint it a wondnr he hiiK got on 10, —promoted over the heads of his seniors and his tuperiors in intellect (Bablington icinccs), —but queer storiea are going about ; some say ho's thirteenth cousin to Mr. S d's father in-law's brother's son (I should say fathor-in-law'a nephew,) and some sav he's .

A. D. B. (virtuously): Mustn't speak diswespectfully of our eupewiors, Scrwubby ? J. S. : Beg pardon, sir ; but, as I was saying, I says to " It's our shine, none of our department hud any of tho eoup," and Lor's sir, you should ha' seen how Hungleall, he . A. D. H.: Mustn't crweate jealousy and wivalrwy, Scwrubbv.

J. S.: O, Lor, eir, I hadn't the remotest intention, sir, but, us I was saying, Bungleall reddens up and who should oomo up by that fellow Swinger, who had been liat'ning all the time (A. D B. solto voce —tho wetch, he always taking mo off) —on I he says: sava he, " Ah, tho public's boon d-me jolly brown over, that soup kitchen."

A. K. B.:—Tho Tulgar bwute ! J.S. :—"The spoona !" says Bungleall, " Tes, spoauoy, saye Swinger," they were indeed. A- I). B. (half-puzzled),' The conceited puppy But I say Scrwubbj, have you rWead this article on rwetwenchmont?

J. S. : Can't Siy I have, sir, in fact Mr. Babbington, to tell you tho truth, I nevor tike any interest in such matters, so long as thny don't affect the numerieul strength of tho department. A.D. B.— (sollo voec), The selfish, wetch! (aloud) That's rwight, Scrwubby, never wuble yourself with what don't concern you ; {looking at his watch) but it'shalf-past two, s'crwubby, audyou'dbelterprwepare those rweturne before Mr. Biggies wakes, or there'll bo a wow. (Scrubby tabes the hint and resumes his writing .) A. I). B. (sotto voce) Scrwuhby's handy, but too much familiarity brweeds contempt. Why don't he enre about rwetrw<-nchment, eh?—why doesn't he?— because his ealawy'a under £200 .(reads) "By a reduction of salaries at und over £200,"— Scrwubby's safo! eh—is he P (reads) " tho rethaining sum of £12,181, is oonsumed by salaries under £200, and it is suggested that a similar saving of £2500 might be brought about by a reduction in the number of these offices." It's my pwivate opinion that " affects the numerical strength of tho department." Lets sec, Bigglos wetires on £300 a year, Scrwubby Wcceives the bullet, and goes to trwy his luck at the Karwaka, r,nd Bablington rweigna suprweine—with thrwec offices cunjolidated under one head—Oh. (At this stiigo Bizgles gives Tent to a sigh that threatens to buret his waistcoat, rubs his eyes, yawns, stretches hit limbs, and beholds Messrs. Bablington and Scrubby both making the most etrenmus exertion* to appear induetrious. Biggies signs the eix documents in that peculiar style known as the " Gov'ment etroke," takes up the paper and reads).

Biggies -.—(sotto voee) I'll retire on the miserable pittance to which I am entitled by my long services and my claims upon the country, before these howling taxpayers get the Act repealed. By the bye, I wonder whether Bablington 'H have the common decency to offer a small sum as renumeration. (aloud) Mr. Bablington I'm goiigto the Treasury, and shan't be back this evening, Biggies home, to write hte resignation ) A.D.B. (Saving watched Biggles].away through the window) : I'm going to tho Twe.iaury too, Scrwubbv. and if anyono calls, I'll bo back in half an hour, (exit A l>. B. to the Q.CE.) Scrubby -.—(taking a sir/ht at the door) Biggies is a growling old griffin, Bab's a conceited ass, aud I'm— well, I'm off to the Masonic, (exit J.S.) [The above JISS. from tho gifted pen of Tite tfarnacle, Esq., 0.C.5., and evidently penned between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. in one of the General Governmb.it uircumlocution Departments, was lately picked up in the vicinity of Princea-ttreet by a "printer's devil."]