WAYS AND MEANS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume II, Issue 547, 14 August 1865, Page 6

WAYS AND MEANS.

(From the London Punch.) Supposing the present duties wpro taken off several things, tn enormous revenue might be obtained by levying taxes as follows : — On every " good story" to'd more than three times by tho sume person. A tax upon any one talking about the weather. Upon all amateurs on the llute, violin, and cornet, without e • ceptio 1. Upon all after-dinner speeches over three minutes in length. Upon all young ladies singing Italian songs without understanding the language. Upon all young ladies or gentlemen singing any long whatever, and, by their atl'ected pronunciation, rendering the words totally unintelligible. All long 'wandering stories without any point ought to be heavily taxed. A tax on all dramas (t taken from the French.' On extensive Crinolines. Enormous tax on a 1 pianoforte variations, and specially upon thos3 on the " Curiiiral dc I't'iiinr." On all bad dinners, and the heaviest tax possible on bad wine. Upon a ! l burlesques and all bnd puns, specially any play on the words " bt':l"beau a-s tor instance, to say of the prettiest young lady at the dinni'r-tub.e, that she is " tho dinner hellor that a " /n'«<t ought to be brought up at " arrow and all su li jokes as involve tho twisting of the words "Eton, " Harrow, " Father and farther," " Rain and Keign," " Heir, air. hare, that ere, they air (for ' they are ), "Gait and gate," " Nose, know.-', find noes,,' "Knight and night, and all such jokes whoso fun depends upon the omission, or addition of the letter 11. There should bo a duty placed upon all jukes on the names of popular artists and authors ; thus there should bo twopence levit-d on every trilling with Mellon, Pyne, Stirling Coyne, Kcun, .hechter, Toole, arid bo forth. The most fearful tax upon irreverent j sting on the word Punch.

A tax up m mothers-in-law. Heavy. A tax on Banting. A tax on Banting's followers. A tax on every speech of Air. Whalley. A tax upon an}' one who objects to smoking ill a railwav carriage. A t:ix of 100 per cent- on every one who won't lend you five shillings. A tax upon every one who doesn't take in Punch. This, of course, will not yield many halfpence annually. And if the above list does not suffice, then let there be a taxon everybody and everything indiscriminately. God save the Queen.

What ABE We coming to ?—The following is from Wednesday's Horde Post: —*' I'he iooal Bweep &' Beech worth, Mr. Jone--, called at ouroilice, yesterday evenin", to complain of some remarks made about him in the police court, yesterday, by Mr. Shephard, the manager of the Bank of Victoria. In proof that he is not habitually drunk, Sir. Jones furnished us with a list of about thirty chimneys which he had swept during the last month in a workmanlike manner." A curious illustration of the fluctuations of colonial life ocurred on Saturday last-, to a aentleman who had, thirteen years ago, that very d iy, arrived in the colony, as surgeon of an emigrant ship. Musing along the btreet on the fact of that day being the anniversary of his arrival, he met, for ttie first, time since lauding, two of his shipmates, the one, thirteen years a»o, a comfortable cabin passenger, and the other a poor steerage immigrant. The former was now selling matches along Bourke-street, and the steerage passenger has become wealthy ; and, as a matter of course, invited his quondam guardian surgeon tj a select dinner on the following day.— Melbourne Leader. Rather a good story is told by the Tarremjowcr Titm-n, of a Baringhup farmer, who, although owning a large holding, wished to take advantage of the 42nd cause of the Amending Land Act, 1565, and for that purpose went some miles from his farm, where, on marking out a twenty-acre block or two, a neighbour expresjed surprise that I e should go so far from home, while just close to his farm there was a spare block of forty acres of the best laud m the district. " Ob," said the canny yeoman, •' that's all secure ; no one mspecis that the block is unsold, and I get the benefit of it without paying for it, as it adjoins my farm." However, he, almost like Sir halph the Rover, " tore his hair, and cursed himself in wild despiir," on reaching home, to iind that the forty acres hud been quietly surveyed and divided into twen'y-acre blocks, the requisite posts pur in, and application duly made fcy a person who little more than " suspected" the ground to be still tlie property of the Crown.—Leader. Putting it to tiie I'uoof. —A curious incident occurred a few days since before the Correctional Tribunal of Nontron (Dordogne). A young woman, carrying a child about eleven months old in her arms, was charged with having «tolen 30 francs in gold from a Madame de Vococour. In her defence tho prisoner Btated that having gone to tlie lady's on business she happened to be left a moment alone in the kitchen ; and her haby unknown to her took three 10 franc pieces off a table behind her, and held them till returned home. She had but just discovered the fact, and was preparing to go back with the money, when the commissary of police came and arrested her for the theft. The'defence was thought most improbable, owing to the child's age, but the President, in order to test its possibility, ordered one of the ushers to lay three gold pieces on the lodge of the dock within the baby's reach. The moment the little thing saw the money it clutchod the pieces firmly and attempted to put them in its mouth. This exoeriment satisfied tho tribunal that the woman had till the truth, and she was in consequence acquitted of the charge. A discovory of a most unpleasant nature was made atthe Union Bank on Ihursday. Agenileman,reiitling at HobartTown, who had Victorian Government debentures lying there to the value of £10,000, and who had come over from Tasmania for the purpose of receiving the interest which had accrued upon them, not having drawn it, as we are imformed, for nearlv eighteen months, went to the bink for the purpose of obtaining the debentures. On opening the box in ■which they had been deposited it was discovered, to the astonishment of the officials, that the whole of them had been abstracted, how or when no one could tell. At present, we refrain from entering into further particulars, but it is surmised that an official, who has left the bank within tlie last twelvemonths, could give j BOmc information on tho subject ; and we have heard that this gentleman took a locksmith, to tlie hank, and got him to open the lock of the box in question, pretending he had lost the key. The key, however, was in the possession o!" the owner of tho debentures, the box being his private property. The foil.,win" is' a description of the debentures £25 debentures, numbered from 4G,138 to 46,177; £50, numbered from ' 40,057 to 40,078, and from 42,410 to 42,418; and £100, numbered from 23,800 to 23,879.