It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume XV, Issue 818, 3 March 1916, Page 22

It is Town Talk

—That the "Has Been.' " is, entitled to a lot more credit than the "Never Was." —That "popping" is no " longer the cant term in London for pawning. They speak now of "mobilising securities." * —-That the promoters of a baby show axe being blamed for recent Zeppelin raids. The Huns couldn't resist the temptation. That a bright Wellington scholar was the other day asked by his teacher to spell "periscope." He spelt it "peerosoope." Original youngster that. —That. Germans in the Vaterland are experimenting ijj . the feeding of dogs with beecliwood. It is expected that in time Carlo will -be trained to live- on his own bark. —That an optician's advertisement has been slightly improved by the festive comp. : Osculists' Prescriptions Accurately Executed." With lip salve, we presume.-—-That some people reckon'"that seabathing causes infantile paralysis. Recent cases of the malady are reported from Pahiatua and Hawera.. As both are"'inland towns their inhabitants. _ of course, go sea-bathing every day. —.That we read of a girl so gifted with second sight that it is no pleasure for her to play ' cards. But what a pleasure it would be for those who play with her! She wouldn't be everlastingly asking, "What's trumps?" or saying., "Oh, goodness! I wish I could see what's in your hand." —That amongst' the most striking features of new Allied airships are their ability to make almost a perpendicular ascent from the ground. But their ascent ean be nothing to the rise in the price "on all standard brands" of butter. The airships can come (down "again, but "the standard brands" never do. .

—That an American bigwig has ruled that "keyhole evidence" is not sufficient in a divorce case. Admittedly keyholes are very out of date in these days of periscopes. —That owing to the large number of Civil servants 'who have gone a-soldier-ing the staff in many departments find it. impossible now to- read more than six novels a week in working-hours. —That the German War Office is experimenting with a shoe, which, it is iclaimed, will make walking on water practicable. Presumably the Huns intend walking across the English Channel. —That the Clown Prince was interviewed at the front recently, when he declared: "It rains every day and everything is wet." This oration must have bee.u a fearful strain on Willie's brain-box. —That a Hun writer puts it this way: "Belgium and Servia are being benevolently assimilated." Hun benevolence. hitherto, evidently has 'been quite misunderstood bv the unkultured Belgians and Servians- v —That the Wellington City Council ■ has decided to purchase a motor chassis not of British manufacture. At the Commercial Patriotic Exhibition held at the same time and under the same roof. Wellingtonians were requested to be patriotic and to buy only British goods. Why then" buy a chassis with a German name? —-That the "X.Z. Times" in chronicling the fact that a certain member of the Slaughtermen's Union had enlisted. adds that the recruit is "one of the ablest slaughtermen in the Dominion." "Does the "Times" mention this by way of recommendation for the new soldier? —That if it is true that the firm who conduct the canteen at one of our camps paid £5000 for the privilege of running it for twelve weeks, and if it is also correct that the- canteen turnover is £500 a day. as rumour says it is. the afore-stated firm have still a good chance of getting their money back, ; —That after star-gazing for some years the Director of the British Astronomical Association has just- come to the conclusion that alleged canals . on Mars are nothing more than an optical illusion. It is indeed comforting to hear this news of a sister-planet situated some thirty or forty million miles away when our own terrestrial sphere is so war-ridden.

—That the new Board of Trade will commence its Cost of Living investigations on' April Ist. Don't laugh! —That the German farmer who raises the most hogs is to be rewarded by the Kaiser —probably with a pig-iron cross. —That Sultan Rua has defied the police. "With his armed guard and his ladies he exclaims: "You cannot harem me now." ' —That several leap-year proposals came off this week on the 29tli, and proved lucky hits. Don't accuse the Wellington girls of want of pluck. By the way, it's a mistake to tease persons born on the 29th February about their lack of birtliday.s, because an old English statute passed in the reign of Henry 111. provides that for all practical purposes the 28th and 29th are one day.