Entre Nows.

Free Lance, Volume VIII, Issue 397, 8 February 1908, Page 12

Entre Nows.

IN tlhe daiily press report of the last Oity Council meeting appears the fo'llowiing item.— "That the application of Mr. Hamilton Grkner for permission to fix an ejector at the Grand Hotel, as recommended by the Caty Engineer, be granted." We have been asked to. elucidate this littie mystery, but admit cut inability to do so. To the best of our knowledge there is very little occasion to eject the patrons of thus well-known city hostel. They are, generally speaking, of the well-reputed class. And, furtlheir, there are 'One ot two men of the Sandow type in the employ around there who look as if tlhey could eject anything that ob likely to' look theur way for the next few decades. ♦ • • However, there is the plain statement of fact that the ejector has been agreed to, and the question now is, who is to be the ejector. Has one of the councilloTs been told off for tJhe task, ot will the work devolve on an ordinary employee. To see some of the Grand Hotel patrons being "fired out," to use a vulgar expression, would be a rare sight for WiHasstreet. • A well-known local architect, who was recently fined for using water through a hose, has received a postcard bearing the following inscription.. — "Monkey-house Philosophy. Don't monkey with the big buzz-saw, Don't monkey with the City's law, Don't monkey with a monkey- wrench, Don't monkey 'round a judge's bench ; Be sure you're .right, then go ahead, But cut that monkey business dead. • • • It is not safe to mention, the subject of babies to a local young man who spends his valuable time within, the precincts of a certain large furniture emporium. The fact is, ne experienced a bitter blow last week — and all through an innocent babe. It was a sweltering hot day, and 1 the young man. was dreaming sweetly of the time when business would be over for the day, when two elegantly-dressed ladies entered his department, one of them carrying a baby. They wanted to see some linoleum, and that young man went manfully to work. • • • Perspiring profusely, he hauled down and unrolled nearly every variety in the shop, and still the ladies asked for more. Finally, one turned to the other and said, with a sweet smile, "It's about time we were going, isn't it, dear?" "Oh, no. dear," replied the charmer with the baby. "You know, our train doesn't go till four, and baby does so like to watch the, young man unrolling the limoleum. It keeps tbe darling quiet!" Then they threatened to report that young man to the shop-walker because he turned sulky, and refused to amuse the baby suny longer.

What's become of our tidal waves ? Who's stolen our huriicane p What rascal has got away with our earthquake? So far the .otherwise excellent Kairori prophet who intended to distribute these luxuries to' a drought smitten populace has only sent lain — for which he is to be devoutly thanked Captain Edwin, who. was unable to break up the drought, is reported to be "broken up" himself, fearing that the Kararian may have a preemptive right to the billet he has so loing and honourably filled. No doubt the Karori prophet ha<s sought and found his- inspiration m the new reservoirs in the cemetery subuib. « • • The crux of the prophet's piophecy is that New Zealand is nearer to the moon than is usual. Whether the earth deliberately edged closer to its lunar relative or whether the silver •orb did the edging is not certain, but certain it is that the moon has weird effects on the carth — and its people. Anyhow, if tidal waves, earthquakes, simoons, oiroccos, and other cataclasmic phenomena gyrate towards this terrestrial sphere during the next few weeks, a prophet will be worth great honour m his own Karon, and he will possibly be able to start a new religion, oir patent a new baking powder. We want a local Wragge — other than tihose we now have. • « Woman is quicker of perception) than man. She takes in some situations at a glance, and becomes a heroine m times of great peril, although she may run from a mouse. In fact, a study of the sex generally will convince man that he hasn't "got a hope" as _ fair as real heroism or presence of mind is concerned Take the case of a WanganuL girl. A young man developed lunacy in the river town the other day. He wanted to push into a sick room, where the father of the girl in the story wias lying, in order to make some curative "passes" with his hands ♦ t * A gentleman in the room naturally tried to prevent the lunatic from gaining entrance, and a scuffle ensued. In came the girl, and sized up the situation. The lunatic insisted on "curing" the patient, but the girl quietly took him aside, and asked him if he wouldn't rather come for a nice little walk with her. The lunatic liked the proposition very much, and the girl took him away "to a doctor, who rang up for assistance — and the incident closed. Clever! Theie was a somewhat unusual spectacle down at the Lyttelton Harbour Board's excursion the other day, when two eminent prelates got on the beer (case). The occasion was the speech-making of the event, and His Lordship Bishop Julrus was the first to mount the Box of Belial for his rostrum. When the weight of creeds, 39 articles, and sundry odd confessions'stepped onto the beer-case, the said case creaked ominously, and possibly guiltily. "I feel a bit groggy," sand his Lordship gaily, to fiH in an awkward interval, as he gingerly tried his weight on the case, and he added, after a momentary inspection of tihe box, "I am sorry to see that Manning and Co. are making me a bit shaky." "Where his Lordship can stand nrm »" said BiLshop Grimes, as he mounted the pedestal a few minutes later, "I will endeavour to do so also." Curiously enough both of them made fairly sober speeches.

The holiday motorist was speeding gaaly through a country town away back when he saw tihe local constable on the roadway in front, waving his arms like a railway semaphore. He had the alternative of either pulling up or killing the constable, and chose the least troublesome. "Do you know that eight miles is the speed limit for motors in this district?" asked the constable. The motorist allowed that he didn't, and the constable told him severely that he ought to know, because there was a paragraph about a year ago m the local paper. • • • The motorist apologised for his lgnoiance, and before going on his way said satirically "These country towns are getting so progressive one has to be careful. Suppose, constable, that I were to come on> a walking tour through this district, is there any speed limit fixed?" The policeman looked astonished. Here was a matter which had escaped official notice. ' ' Ton my soul, I don't believe there is," he said, "but now that you've mentioned it I'll speak to the county chairman about it at next meeting'" • • • The Kelburne- Ladies' Bowling Glub, which went to Patea to Toll the bowls, returned late last week, after a strenuous time, in which their literary capacity was taxed to the utmost. Mrs. Rollson-Wood would beat Mrs : Kitty Jack by a point, and, aocordinig to our unveraeious special ooirespoindieMt with the team, she would immediately drop her bowls and rush for the telegraph office to wure the result "to her husband. Envious husbands, feeling that their wives would only wire in case of illness, saw the missives coming in, and began to sink _at the heart. One man (so our special correspondent said) had to. pay 19s 6d for collect wires during Ms wife's game with Miss Bowler-Green. One ladywired "collect" • "Won the game, kiss the children pay the gas bill, coining home to-morrow, tell Jane boil the milk baby.— Esmekalda." • • * The unsophisticated Maori, male or female, is* as extinct as the moa. If anyone doubted this, the recent Waaroa Agricultural and Pastoral Society s Show provided an incident which should dispel all doubt on the subject A gentleman, who went up to' the said show in time for the second day hit up against the greatest excitement that he has seen since the grand old *>£&€■ of York walked in the flesh an Wellington. He enquired the reason ot it all, and learned that a "chaini-pac-mg competition" was in progress. « • • The rules were that competitors had to lodge a ceitain sum, that each had in turn to pace what he or she considered 22 yaTds, and that whoever got neaiest to the exact distance won the prize. So far the thing was plain,, but what puzzled the visitor was an announcement that the Maori women who competed must wear the divided skirt" only. An explanation was soon forthcoming. It transpired that on the previous day a MaoTi lady won the prise, pacing the distance to within a quarter of an inch, but that underneath her ample flowing robe she had, extending from knee to knee, a bit of string, by which she could almost exactly regulate her strides. It is said that one of heT own lady friends discovered the trick, and divulged the secret.

Mi". Tom Wilford figured in one of the w atter-wastmg charges at the- Welluiigton Court last week. Figured as defending solicitor, of course, but, as the gardener who. was charged with tihe offence was Tom's gardeneir, the defence was particularly interesting. Said gardener w as deaf, and coxameaiced proceedings by acquainting his solicitor of the fact. Tom Wffifoird smiled "Oh, you're all! Tight, them; they can't condemn a man without a hearing'" Even the Court laughed at thus generous wit. Then Inspector Doyle, the spectre of the drought, got on. his end, and started to explain, how w ater runs through a garden-hose when the tap is turned on. • • • The Court grew mightily interested. Onily the gardener dozed ■dreamily in the box, and took no notice .of the passing show. At last Tom woke him up, and asked him if he could hear the Inspector saying sundry things about him. The gardener yawned twaoe. rubbed his eyes> once, and then, said his piece with really credilta-bfe vehemence "If he is saying you gave me authority, it's a lie — ufc's a — a ke ! " Tom was vindicated, and the Court and the gardener and everyone but the Inspector were quite satisfied. • • • This ifs the time of year when the "shent per sh enter" gets in. his fine work. Land in. New Zealand is dear — dearer in comparison to its vaiue tlhan any land on the face of Nature Many hifctle farmers have a mortgage, and many of them go to bed and have nightmares about Mr. Moses Shent per SJbent. Bush fires and grass fires have played havoc witbh the small cocky, and from all parts of New Zealand comes news of a. worse devastation — the pursuit of moneyless cockies by the money-lenders, who* are in some cases at present, engaged in, the charming pastime of recovering thei^ large fait interests per medium of distress warrants. • • • Nothing 'could be more amusing to a money-fender than the following : — Settler, wife and six challdren (all small), a few cows, and bill-of-sade over the home. Grass fire oomes along, and burns bis grass and everything but the home. Sells his oows -to the nearest big man for a third of their value. Money-lender paid the whole of the proceeds. Still a sum owing to the money-lender. Moneylender sues Order made. Can't be obeyed. Distress warrant — everything sold. Money-lender satisfied, and highly diverted, seeing that cocky, wife, and children are reduced to the last stage of poverty. Money-lender drives a motor car. • • • Some mean ungrateful wretch has been writing up to the "Wanganai Chronicle," and this is what he has chronicled :— ' 'Wellington harbour presented a formidable appearance yesterday, with no fewer than six warships lying at anchor. The flagship Powerful left Lyttelton at 2 p.m. o.n Monday for Wellington, followed by the drill ship Pioneer, the Paxwnethus Pegasus, and Pynamus." And after all the weary months during which the N Z.G T.S "Amokma" has been beating and baffling with tempest and torrent, gale and grape-shot, foes afar and near, after all the splicing of the main brace by officers, and the splicing of ropes' ends by the boys, the vessel isn't even mentioned. Why?

Is she to be, like the prophet, without honour m her own port? The Powerful will pass to the sorap-heap to-mo>rrow Rumour alleges that she was expected there yesterday, or the day before. And then the "Wanganui Chronicle," ot its correspondent, will have to hide behind t!he taut little onetime HMS Sparrow— a thing of beauty and a joy for ever. This treatment of the "Amokura" isn/t fair. Like the poor — very like the poor, fact — slhe is always with us. We're indignant for 'her. If Wellington, does look formidable, the "Amokura" is m the formidable foreground. A propos of the discussion that re oently raged at the Musicians' Conference 'concerning the value or otherwise of musicians' degrees, a wellknown New Zealand organist recalls an experience that he had in, the Old Country A concert was to be given in a certain minor town, and the name of the accompanist appeared in the programme as Mr. William Smith, P.O.M Tremendous curiosity was aroused as to what these mysterious letters stood for, and finally the concert committee approached Mr. WilSmith for an explanation. • • ♦ "Well," replied William, "I see that it is the fashion now-a-days for pianoplayers to stick all sorts of letters after their names, &o I put PO M "Yes but what the dickens does P.O.M. mean?" inquired the puzzled committee. The accompanist withered them with a glance. "Professor or Music, of course," he retorted. By the way, it is interesting to mote that the organist who tells this yarn ( attaches no importance to musicians degrees. Although he has the right to Siscribe a string of letters after his name, he never takes the trouble to do bo, because he recognises the fact that many of the degrees now conferred are absolutely worthless as a criterion of the possessor's musical ability a • • The head of one of the Government Departments has precipitated himself into am attack of insomnia, loss ot appetite, headache, and a dozen, other ills by reason of a hasty ultimatum on the subject of dress Not ladies dress —it is no family affair which has produced this vexed result. The trouble at issue is the style of dress to be adopted by his office clerks Whether this head of the Government department has been leading "Sartor Resartus," and has become a victim to the philosophy of clothes, or whether ut is an instance of jealousy on. his part, has yet to be settled. • • • The certain thing is that the eleventh commandment to the clerks in his department (the male clerks, ot course) is "Thou shalt not wear knickerbockers." Now, it so happens that some of the clerks in the aforesaid department look uncommonly wedl m knickerbockers and they know ut. Further, they aver that the head ot the department knows it also, hence, they allege, thjs cruel ultimatum. And the red language passing up and down the vestibules of the "largest wooden building in the world" just now is _ a menace which even the alert sentries cannot be expected to guard agaiiist. It is a good job that the Hon. HallJones is back. The sooner Cabinet can settle this knackerbocker combine the better. The Dennaston bank-to-Bank trouble isn't a circumstance be, side it. What matter if milk is fivepence a quart, as long as we get cheap Australian grapes? Who cares whether bread is up or down when cheap calico is duty free? But re those grapes. Everybody believed that when the Government removed the restriction against the importation of Australiaai grapes that the ordinary, every-day person, would simply wallow in grapes. Nobody wallowed in last week's shipment, and nobody is going to wallow in next Wednesday's Tot. About three-parts of last week's lot were bought by Chinamen at a high _ raifce, and sold at double the price paid. It .is absolutely no use the Government opening the market to Ausitnalian grapes if it can't decide the prace to be paid over the counter. • • " The cheap grape idea is largely a help on for the Chinese. Auckland vigneToms are roaring about it, but there is mio reason why all the people in New Zealand should go without grapes because about a dozen men roar. We wamit Australian grapes all right, but tfliere isn't any reason why we should pay Is 6d per lb. to. a Chinaman for them. One of the quaint thatngs about the Auckland roarers agann&t Australian grapes is that they wont grow enough to supply the southern market. There are terns of thousands of acres of land up North that will grow grapes in the open, but the persons who grow three pounds of grapes appeaT to think that 300,000 people should go without fruit because importation of Australian, grapes would reduce the three-pound output to two pounds, or something Hike that.

Some little time ago, says the Auckland "Observer," the "Herald's" shipping reporter sent a wave of meraiment rippling around the city by including in the list of imports by oae of the intercolonial steamers a stated number of "post-holes." The idea has. however, been improved upon, by a Wellington pressman, who confides to an amazed public the fact that "several solid hrass portholes" have been, recovered bv the divers working at the wreck of the ship Halcione, and that others are expected to be secured. • • • That "holes" of any kind can be made of solid metal is intensely interesting. It is just possible, of course, that port-hole fittings may be meant, but if so it would be as well to. make the fact plain. Recalls the story of an Irishman who was asked, in the days when ordnance was cast, instead of being forged, how a cannon was made. "Oh," answered Pat, "easily enough. You just take a long hole " and pour brass round it!" Probably it is something on this plan, that a "brass port-hole" is fashioned. • • • The Lance wondeas if the "Post," which is so distinctly and distinguishedly Australian really ever saw a mere single dog hook on to a kangaroo. Commenting on the allegedly apathetic kangaroo' at our Zoo, which apparently permitted a stray dog to fracture one of its legs the other day. the "Post" assumes that the kangaroo must have been in a debilitated, decadent, and cowardly condition,, otfcherwise it would haye disembowelled the canine intruder. It is a good old yarn, that disembowelling one, and there are 750,000 dogs of all kinds, from fox-terriers to Russian wolfhounds, in Australia who retain their bowels after a single-mouthed attack on> a roo or wallaroo or blue flyer or grey or scrub rock or other wallaby. . • • The roo' only hurts a dog when it has an unusual chance and the dog is a fool. If a dog happens to freeze on to a roo's leg first hit the dog will not get hurt, but if he springs at the roo's throat perhaps the roo will scrape a hole in him by lifting his three-toed hind leg and drawing it down fro™ brisket to tail. It takes a powerful scrape to open up a dog. A cunning dog never faces a roo, and sidles at him, or jumps for his back. The best hold a dog gets is the tail hold, but the leg business is good. Also, unless frightened into a fight, even the oldman roo is not a great scrapper, and the cow-kick he indulges in is generally extended on the ambient atmosphere. Some of those roo experts ought to take a trip in, the mallee.