Entre Nous.

Free Lance, Volume VII, Issue 331, 3 November 1906, Page 12

Entre Nous.

IN connection with the ancient edifice used by Messrs. Oasteiidyk and Foeke as ' a business place and bond store, burnt by the ohampuon fbre of 22nd 1 October, it is interesting to recall the fact that it was from thence T. W. Young's coaches used! to 6tart in the early days for the Bimutafaas and elsewhere. It is also worthy of not© that the bond was approached by a flight of steep eteps and that the list of members of the "honourable order of the bump" was also destroyed by fire. The scairs were dark and at the top or thereabouts was a bug hard beam. Those not in the know used to meet that beam and it bad the reputation of having smashed many a good new "tile." Anyhow, whenever a Customs official or other autnoneed person smashed into the beam his name was entered) on the list and at tihe time of the conflagration the order contained nearly forty members. The record is no moie. • • * On all raaJway stations in this fair land is to be seen a staring notice, "Smoking prohibited." On every side is to be seen, men smoking. You have never seen a railway man step up to a smoker and yank tiie reeking briar <nr the festive "fag" from the lips of the bye-laws breaker. It is a law that no one heeds. W!hy not repeal it. A propos, the Gkef Commissioner of the Victorian railways, Mr. Tait, was observed smoking right under a "Smoking prohibited" notice the other day, and an anti-tobacconist drew ham aside and remonstrated like anything. The '^»nti" man deluged the Railway Department with correspondence. Result? Victoria has removed all the notices and one may smoke when he dashed well wants to, so you see the "anti" gentleman would have done better to have kept quiet when he saw the chief railway man cremating weeds. * * * God's Own Country! Advertisement from the Poverty Bay "Herald" : — "Wanted, handy man ; must be able to milk, plough, fell bush, kill, cook, assist in laundry and teach chiJdren the theory of music. Salary, £30." "Poverty" Bay, too! But, why stop short at this list of desired qualifications? Couldn't the handy man teach the missus drawn thireadiwork and bridge. Nothing is said about languages. Doesn't even say the man must be the son of a peer or a teetotaller or a "Christian." It is supposed, however, that the applications will be co very large that a good, meek, smack-me-on-the-riorht-cheek sort of man will be sorted out of the heap. Milking and the theory of music ' Ploughing and assisting in laundiry ' Thirty pounds a-vea,r!

A very large poliioeinani is <not neoese&rnly quick- wittied. Passing the Exchange Buildamgs after madinight an Thursday last, a man was attracted by a huge constable and. another gazing ■at windows in wihich a kigjbt was fluctuating strangely, looking suspiciously like >a fire, particularly as the bell had just rang out far somie fiie and all round was the smell of burning. As they stood and looked a young fellow (happened 1 along, whose attention was ailso drawn to tihe jumping light m the wmdow. * * * The gieat policeman had his suspicions, but was not making any move to find out the cause of tlbe untoward illumination, so the young fellow asked him did he not think tlieie was cause for investigatian. The policeman said. "Oh, yes, but who are you to get at?" Aninoyed at t lie density of the constable, the young chap asked would he swarm up the verandah pole and have a look (the light was on the first floor). He got up, crossed the balcony and pulled 1 up tliie window. "Burglars!" shouted uomeone inside. "Ay, whasat!" said' another miain as he tumbled out of bed into his tiousers, rubbing his eyes. "It's all right, go to sleep again !" said the investigator , "it's the police. Thought the place was on fire !" Then he clambered down the pole and the supine policeman nearly helped him to alight. * * * One of the sensations of Wellington at present is a small, pale, thin man, who is accompanied by a laa-ge lady in black. The small man plays a conoaituna and it is 1 the way he handles the instrument that attracts attention. Sometimes he appears to be drawing water from <a deep well with it, or throwing it at an imaginary dlog, or reaching something off the clouds with it. Then, he wall suddenly start off at a big pace, playing furiously, his face a picture of the deepest solemnity, expressing the belief that he is Handel reincarnated or Pagan Mii back again. Unquestionably, he is worth the money as a concertina acrobat. By the way, it is quite the correct thing for street musicians to be aocompanied by ladies now-a-days. * ♦ * Long live the Acclimatisation Societies of a country that used to be New Zealand. The Otago branch of this benevolent institution has imported, and will release, twenty-eight "shorteaired 1 owls." The owl is the bird in the infant picture books that appears stupudly surprised. It catches mioe. It only wakes up at night and flies into things. It is to be sincerely hoped it won't fly into an aoplimatisator. "As wise as an owl" is an old expression, but <the owl isn't wise. It is a fool. It resembles thie acclimatisator, not so much because it is a food as for the fact that its eyes are very wide open — in tlbe dark. It is rather an extraordinary thing; tlbat the Society 6houild have introduced it, because it is harmless, and it is about the only harmless thing introduced to date. Still, it may take to killing out the mopoke and otber_ native birds, in w'hieb case the Society will be entitled to still another medal. It is great on meddles.

There is good advice to several rnil'lion people in "The Spike," the Victoria College magazine for October. It ifi, however, tendered to only one 'correspondent: "Soiry bashfulness bids fair to wreok your life, but rid yauireelf of tlhe idea that people neglect their business to contemplate you." At once tihere rises to the mind's eye tlhe vision of a man who puts on a red! tie far tihe first time and wonders . "What will the world think?" # *■ * The person who chops off this moustache and contemplates the result it will have on the money market; the buyer of a aew bike or >a motor oar, who believes the universe is palpitating with excitement at the spectacle ; the wearer of his first dress-suit, w<ho honestly believes everybody in tlhe thea/tre cares about it; on- the newohium who 'anticipates a large audience to be overcome with admiration of !ha® up-turnedi trousers, are all bidden to rid themselves of the idea that the world is ceasing to whorl in order to get time to admire them. * * ■* Husbands who trespass on their wives' premises will have to be careful. Auckland has a oase of a husband, a wife and the usual J.P. The pair were separated, but tihe husband went back to the house, broke in, and .areatened to shoot people, including his wife. Likewise, he blackened a boarder's eye and made things merry all round. It is presumed tihe threatening and the black-eye and the promised sihooting were too trifling for the attentions of the J.P., but for trespassing on his wife's property the gentleman was fined a whole pound. Next time he breaks in the J.P. will probably subscribe his £5 out of the court funds. * * * A blue uniform hias a remarkable effect on some people. A young man from the country was an town for the first time last week (so Constable 999 tells us) and he had nowhere to go except hotels and nothing to do exoeipt walk the pavements, so She strolled down to the fire airea and 'got inside the barrier. No. 999j in the exercise of has duty, sjmpjy walked up and said : "Here, young fellow, get out of this!" The youth took it as an order to go home and left, for the .country by tlhe next train, although he had intended stopping another fortnight. * * * At 'last someone has patented a nonrefillable bottle. As a general thing one is attacked by a non-refillable bottle man three times a week. The non-refillable bottle man — other than the genuine one whose patent is announced — is usually one who hates an empty bottle and he brings plans and specifications into your oflice and offers to sell you a shared immediately negotiable for £1000, for 8s 6d. The old bottle is good enough for you and you don't buy a share. !He pack® his plans and begins to move. "S'pose you couldn't lend me a bob until I get me royalties in, could yer?" he asks 1 . The last non-refillable bottle person who offered us a fortune for 8® 6d was detained in Sydney "during His Majesty's pleasure," etc. We hope the bottle now patented will get on the market, and keep the people who have been travelling on the bogus game out of the business effectually. The bottle gag is commoner than fires in Wellington.

Cabled that an aged man "ran under" the King's motor car. Upon our woid these agile octogenarians, whochase 40 horse-power cars with the deliberate intention of running uindier them, must be suppressed. Soon it will become the fashion for these inconsiderate fossils to chase the Scotch express and 1 get tangled up in the oow'Oatohers. A wretched boy, only a few weeks ago, had the insolence to goand get killed by a countess's motoroar, and the Loyal cable man said it was the wretched boy's own fault. An unkind kiddy in Madrid, apparently outl of pure spate, placed himself in front of a Yankee pork mallionaire'» car and got potted' up. The parents were not, as far as we know, sent togaol. * * * President Roosevelt's car was in jeopardy from the attacks made on it by a citizen who, apparently, overtook it and! put his silly head in the way. Madame Melba was going to sing at Oovent Gardens one night and she lost many hundreds of pounds. — and scratched the oar — just because a man would insist on getting killed by the oar. ( It is high time the common people were transported for their constant annoyances to the hiaut ton, the deliberate persistence with which they get torn up by the wheels of themighty and a stupid! law that makes it impossible for a king or a president, an earl or a prdma donna, revenge themselves witih a ,gun on persons whoupset their nerves. * * * Hannah's wash-out (sounds* like the opening of a mining par) made a wet job of £6000 worth of boots, so 'tis said and on Saturday last Hannah's xueh (more mining) was a sight. The public breasted in to such an extent that it had to be kept out (begorra!). It was a great opportunity for people who didn't want to buy boots. One of the Hannahites approached a lady with the usual "What cam I do for you, madam?" and she said she wanted to see some children's boots. "You shall see them," said the gentleman, "when you have paid for those you have under your jacket!" "Oh, how strange!" replied the lady, after denying the possession of the boots several tames. "However dad they get there?" It would surprise you to know how many boots were sold in this way on that Saturday. When the boots were "soded" this way the "buyers" took to their heels. * # # Any time Australian Js.P. are out of a J.P. billet they should apply to be put on the New Zealand roll. Some of them seem to be quite as lar.gensized idiots as the worst of the local productions. A Victorian young man, walking home with a young lady, was accosted by a man, who rushed out of a dark alley and said, "I want a few words with you." "Wait till I see the gar.l home" was the response. The ruffian at once began to swear with much vigour and wound up by knocking the unlucky youth down and' kicking him while prostrate. * * * When he heard the tale of brutality, the local J.P. rose to the occasion and said to the accused, in a tone of pained remonstrance, "You are fined 20s; but you should have been at court last Monday. You have narrowly escaped imprisonment." The ruffian did not seem to tremble much at the hint of the imprisonment h© would have got (and deserved') had he been in court on Monday.

Dentists really ought to leg-rope their patients as well as gag them. A gas-taker in Dunechn had just got tlhrough about fourteen feet of the anaesthetic the other day when he arose, up-ended' the dentist and streaked for the street by way of the madow. Gallant dentist chased him and caaight him by the near hand-leg as he was lialf-way through the window. The patient got badly cut, but if he had tallen out of that three-storey window it is surmised he would have needed) no further dental attention. • • • A child story and not a bad one. It actually happened the other day m WeLknigton. Ohiild was attending a dancing class and tilie class was to hold its bxeakinig-up function — fancy dress, Jollies and all that sort of thing. The little maiden came home and 'ain:noun.ced to her mystified parents that she was requested to appear at the break-mg-up party as a banana wafer 1" The parents thought hard, but couldn't make it out. "But your dress? What is it to be?" "Rags and tatters!" explained the obiild. The parents thought some more and at last a.n idea struck the perplexed paterfamilias : "Yon mean as a TBarnado" waif, perhaps?" And' further inquiries proved that it was even so. * * * Don't often hear of ladies or paisons chasing whales or shooting tigeis or anything desperate like that, but on a recent day at Port Underwood a "right" whale perspired into the air and a lady named Muss Guard (so 'tas said) collected the bravest men she couild find including a Rev. Mr. Crump, fell into a boat and ohased the mammoth. It isn't quite clear from the 'acoouinft whether the parson or the maiden harpooned the whale, but the amateur crew hooked on and began to tow nim asihore, when he pulled adrift with iu.«.y 'holes in him and several tons of blubber sank to nse no more. By the way, the lady mentioned 1 as a descendant of the whalers of the early days. • • • It is one of the functions of the cautious sub-editor on a newspaper 6taff to save ihis paper from 'all sorts of legal actions for damages by the disci eet and careful wording of news. One chief was never tired of impressing on his assistants the virtue of a frequent use in amy doubtful matter of the word "■alleged." But, to his amazement and chagrin, he saw, on looking over the paper one day, the following — "Alleged Mad Dog Scare. — An alleged mad dog, said to be the property of an alleged butcher named Frost, is alleged to have broken his chain, yesterday afternoon and attacked the alleged daughter of Thomas Drewsbury, who claims to be a tailor in the same street. * * ♦ "The girl is alleged to have been treated by Doctor , an alleged local practitioner, for the alleged severe bites on both hands and legs. It is further alleged that the alleged butcher was last year sent to gaol for a week by a stipendiary magistrate for .not keeping ihis alleged ferocious dog under control."

It is part of the function of the country press to "slang" its "reptile contemporary," but when bad luck oomes along tihe country press as not a bad chap. The other day the Hunteiville "Express' went up m smoke. It didn't go and bury its hjead in a hole. It kept faith with tihe public, and a contemporary, to wit the Mangawefca "Settler," stepped into the breach and helped it to get born as usual. Fire cauterises even political wounds.

Gambling is being put down. First, and therefore most important, paragraph in a West Coast paper — '"The forthcoming meeting of the Westport Trotting Club promises to be veiy successful, and, although there will be no totalisator on the ground, Mr. , the reliable local penciller, and Mr. , a member of the Bookmakers' Association, Ohristoharch , will be present to do business, so the public will be sure of liberal odds and 1 prompt payment." ("Owing to pressure on our space, the usual sermon is held over.") • * * Asserted in quite a number of Sauceiety papers that motoring is going out ■as a pastime for the frivolous rich and that baillooning :s to take the throne. It is the most charming idea to date. For one thing, the millionaire balloonist cannot collide with the common heid in the air and if one tallow-seller bumps a Chicago man-tinner in the atmosphere a erreat deal of good may be effected. There are also possibilities of many dron.es being blown out to sea and lost in a place where money isn't any pood and the dirowning sailor who gets £3 a-month and weevily biscuits h a better man than panker Armour or the Duke of Westminster. On the whole, the balloon fad wants expanding. Tf several British dukes took their pork-packing "missuses" out for am airing in a balloon and the balloon burst — what fun! • • • A story of devotion to duty tundler a severe handicap is told by the manager of a large local business. One of the many young ladies employed bv the firm received an urgent call home about the middle of the forenoon one day thus week, but reported herself later in the dlay with the intention of completing certain work she had in hand. She explained! that during the morning her grandfather had! dried suddenly and that her father was prostrated' with the shock. Of course, the manaiger did) not allow her devotion to duty to keep her at work. He sent her home. Shortly aiftier her departure news arrived that the father also had died. It was a double bereavement. Yet, in the midst of hietr sorrow the yotme woman was mindful of her employers' interests.

A propos of the great "sport" of pigeon-fihooting from traps, 'besides being a pastime for intellectual meai it is also an incitement to onme in boys. Pigeons ai'e saleable at sevenipenoe apieoe and some Auckland boys, imbued with commercial rnstoincts, recently travelled round all the pigeon lofts available and lafted enough pigeons of all sorts to make a nice cheque by selling them to the dealens who supply the gun clubs with buds. Altogether the boys stole about £14 worth of birds.

At a country eibation last week a wHdrtlookamg man rushed to the stationmaster, tallowed by has wife, and told ham, m great anguish, that the traan had gone .away with their baby! Of couinse the stati/on-mayter couLd do nothing. The frantic male parent rushed around for a few minutes, tflien unhitched another man's horse from a post outside, amd galiloped by road to the next station. Arrived ttheie, he put in a lojig weary anxious time waiting for the tram, but, thank heavens, •during the day the tram arrived.