Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume VI, Issue 290, 20 January 1906, Page 12

Entre Nous

THERE is a Wellington angler who is a pretty good hand at the game, but to whom fate, in the shape of an empty creel and an unbitten fly sometimes comes. He had fished the best watei in the river for nearly the whole of the day, and the sun was westering vi its usual implacable fashion. There strolled to the bank of tue stream a person who appeared to be there just because he liked it. He questioned our angler. Had he caught anything? The angler said he hadn't, that sport was slow, and that it was the first time be could remember when he would have to return to a jeering Wellington without fish. • ♦ • The stranger told him to cheer up, and dived into the bush, and brought forth in one hand a big" string of "property" fish and! a cameia. There, in the deepening twilight, he took — with a long exposure — a picture of a fine man, with a fine string of beauties. And that is the photograph the angler is showing to-day as an evidence of his 1 great success on the occasion mentioned. As for the professional photographer — well, he has got his fish yet, and they are worth quite a lot to -.m. • • ♦ A Wellington parson, who has a very ~ad memory, is constantly confusing people's names. Last week he was introduced to Mr. Eddy, of the South Australian. Railways. Soon afterwards, in the course of conversation, he addressed him again and again as "Mr. Whirlpool"! That was bad enough for a blunder, but the apology was lamer. "I beg your pardon, my name is not exactly Whirlpool ; it is Eddy," said the stranger. "I am so sonry for the mistake," replied: the little parson, "but I was misled — er-er — by the similarity of the sound!" • ♦ * A "drank" or two on a crowded theatre car is almost a necessity now-a-days, although the conductors are allowed to refuse passages to such.. We noticed two young ladies the otWer night, who bad to draw their hat pins to keep an idiotic "drunk" at bay. The gentlemen on the oar backed tihe "drunk." So did t>h'e conductor. Wellington is the only city in New Zealand that permits over-crowdttng, and the over-crowdine e?ets worse. If there is anybody who can deny these allegations. let him now f^et to work, or for ever after hold his whisht.

bishop has made the tremendous announcement that courtship should be encouiaged, and made honest. I here isn't any need to enoouiage it, and the larger portion of it is honest. Bishops have got to find something to talk about, and parsons have got to follow in the groove made by the bishops. Believe either the average bishop or the common parson, and you get yourself into the same soit of perspiration that overtakes you when you read a pill advertisement that makes you fancy you have one of. the symptoms described. * * * Bishops are veiv human. They are as fallible as a navvy, and are just as likely to oommit honesty or dishonesty as the man who throws mud with a shovel instead of by word of mouth. The whole, intellect) of the goodygoodites i^. concentrated nto making man and woman unhappy, in propagating unnaturalness, in prophesying destruction for people who are not nice, and weak, and spineless. Goody-good-ites love a harmless, floppy individual, with raised eyebrows and a consumptive cough. They love him because he won't be long he-re. He is too flabby to live. If goody-goodites would keep their muscle up, their livers clean, and their awful proneness to grizzle about the evils of the world, down, there would not be so much evil. But, if it wasn't for the evil that does exist the goody-goodites would have no job. Theawfaw, deah brethren, fo,r goodness gracious sake keep it evil. * * * A heated discussion having arisen as to the correct spelling of the word "Aluminium," it was decided before the holidays to refer the matter to a local poet. He has returned with the following, and all bets are off — Mary had a little, pan ; It made her very glum, To think that she had purchased tin, And not Al-u-min-um. But still poor Mary lives in hope That better times will come, When she can fix her kitchen up With Al-u-min-i-um ! * » * Thifc is not from a "Family Herald" novelette of twenty years ago. It is from a sob^r country paper • — "The sunset last evening was a most beautiful one, especially as seen from Durie Hill. — s old Sol appeared to tip the 6ea in the far distant horizon, he cast a brilliant golden-coloured light upon the waters, and the few stray clouds which could be seen were tinged with a lovely bright yellow colouring of great magnificence. The si°"ht was altogether one of exquisite loveliness, and those who had the pleasure of witnessing the scene were charmed." If we be permitted to supply the rest 1 "Lady Mary, carelessly swin^n^ her lavender bonnet bv the rare lace st.ri.no3s that her firrandmother had worn before her, allowed th/e setting sun to shine on her fo-'r youno: face for just_ one moment. Then, with a erav lauerh, in which there wai* rm note of oomin°- tragedy, she SDerf town'-ds the <tpv walls of the moated grange — and doom."

Dear Lance, — On Saturday last I wanted very much to go to ' The Lady of Lyons." I looked' at the contents of my purse ; I had only 9s 6d left, and that had to last me a whole week. It was to be- either the family circle, or mot at an, so I thought it had better be the family oircle. I did not repent having gone, because I am sure I realised my half-crown's worth before the play began. I secured a good' seat in the front of the circle, and settled down to read the Free Lance. At about half-past seven the doors again opened, and a great noise was heard like the stampede of a mighty multi tudte. • * * Greatly excited, and wearing a look of extreme expectancy, an. old! lady with wnite hair was squeezed into a seat on a parallel with myself. Presently, another lady, somewhat similar in appearance, but some years younger, was escorted by the usher to a seat at a considerable distance faom the other old lady. This state of affairs seemed to displease both parties, for they gazed mournfully at each other across the intervening seats. Suddenly, the elder lady waved her programme frantically in the air, and called 1 to her companion to join her, but the younger lady only shook her head, and gazed wistfully at the two young fellows who were seated next to her friend, who had evidently just received an inspiration, for 6he nudged the young man, on, her right, and asked if he would mind changing places withhi her friend. The young man looked very indignant, and gave a decided refusal. She them tried her gentle persuasions on a boy in golf clothes, who was sitting at the end of the seat, but he only looked sulky, and did not even deign. ~a reply. • • * The house was very much amused at the entertainment. Even the dress oircle smiled, whereupon the lady with the white hair became very iadignant, and shook her fist at it. This time tihe dress circle smiled audibly, and, with an air of intense superiority, the patroness of the family circle waved her programme majestically to and fro, and 1 allowed her eyes to rest for a moment on the ceiling of the Opera House. Then, the lights were turned low, the curtain rose, and everybody leaned forward. • * * "When the alleged Prince entered, with the rich merchant's daughter on his arm, the white-haired lady waved her programme in tihe air, and shouted "Hurrah!" but wheni the truth was revealed, and poor Claude, the peasant, cried "Adieu( adieu!" and) rushed 1 from the stage, our friendl was completely overcome. The lady wept (not to wear a crown), but because she had no heart nor ambition left to see the rest of the play. She rose and beckoned her companion, and the two ladies left the house, the latter (like the Walrus in "Alice Through the Looking Glass") holding her pocket-handkerchief before her streaming eyes. — Yours, Viomit.

A propos of "The Ladies," here is a famous toast, credited to a great judge. We foxget whether it was Artie Fullford or Lord Eldon : — The fee simple and' the simple fee, And all the fees entailed, Are nothing when compared with thee, Thou best of fees — female. • • * There are about one hundred and sixty men m Wellington who; believe themselves competent to enter into a business thiey have hadl no previous experience of. A local jeweller wanted an assistant, and h& put an advertisement in a local paper. First day he got about ninety replies, and the rest came along later. The mem who wanted to be jewellers' assistants comiprrasu ed : Sailors, firemen, bushmen, carpenters, drapers, a horse-breaker, two painters and glaziers, a tanner, a ship's purser, three ex-soldiers, and "the son of an English nobleman." • • • It is either proof that there is a terrible scrummage to get into the jewellery business, or that there are several people out of work here. One of the firemen mentioned wrote an excellent letter, and remarked that "When I get my hands cleaned up a bit, and' my kit of best clothes out from London, I shan't disgrace you." Another man remarked that the girl he was engaged to thought jewellery more genteel than bush-failing. Two of them addressed the jeweller as "honoured sir," «nd one -concluded "your obedient amd humble servant." • • » One young lady told the whole story of her quarrel with the "missus," and said she had long desired to obtain employment in that particular gem-ware-house, as she thought "he was such a nice young man." A draper man concluded an impassioned letter in these words : "I shall be able to start work on Tuesday next, but I want you to understand before I undertake the duties that I must have Saturday afternoons free. You may call on me any night after 7, at No. — , street." • • • "I want a pass." he murmured, "for farfamed Waikanae, Will you, sir, kindly give me one for both my baikanae Last year you charged' me extra for the dog, so Maikanae Will toss up who shall pay the fares for Mike, the taikanae." • * * The time is getting roundl again to have a growl at the trams, and! here it is. Same old story — over-crowding. Don't know whether tihe conductors of our -trams have orders to wait until the passengers are stacked one on top of the other, but, as a matter of fact, the fuller the oar the oftener it stops to pick up passengers. Fat men prefer a car tihat is overloaded to the extent of thirty. A fat man; can squeeze right in, and! does. Ladies prefer fire o'clock cars, and 1 must have seats. Men who have been standing at the benches all day can, stand a bit longer.

Ib is oonsideaed pretty tough luck when on© has bought seats at a theatre some days before a show to find tnose seats occupiei on the night one wants them, and. to find a management unwilling to permit ona to use them. Also, it isn't a fair thing for any management to draw two Bums for one seat. -No oourt in the world would support a management that kept people out of the seats they hired, and no management has the least right to fill up reseived seats even though the hirers do not occupy them tuo whole evening. There us bound' to be court trouble over the local seat-jump-ing business .sooner or latex. * * * Gravely stated, as accounting for the good, fortune ot our footballers at Home, that on the voyage trom New Zealand in the Rimutaka, they picked up a merry little black boy, wno had stowed away on the vessel, fixed upon him as their mascotte, and airanged mat be should follow them on their tour. vVhat next, in tne way of fancies and raixy taies? * *■ * Oi course, you liav c read the news item s>a.>_ng tiuit in veiy large firms — especially ot the drapery kind — a "mistaKes" clerk is kept on the premises, and is trotted forth when a customer oomplaius, is made to apologise abjeotly, and 'sacked" on. the spoc. There is a man now living in Wellington who, for ten was the scapegoat for a huge Sydney firm — the biggest in the colonies. His manner was that of a .Chesterfield, and he was a big success. *He had apologised to thousands of people during his career. One day the widow of a wealthy squatter oame in to complain that her order had not been properly attended to. The "mistakes" man was called, and apologised so profusely that the lady begged the firm not to "sack" him, and, indeed, came in pretty often, and had a look at him, and smiled on him, and encouraged him. Then, the "mistakes" clerk married her. It was the first real mistake he ever made. * * * Tommy, an Australian native, who was sentenced to death on, July sth for murder was hanged at the Fannie Bay Gaol, Queensland, last week. He gave no trouble. In conversation with a clergyman he said "Benamulla (anotner native) tell plenty He, only get three years; me tell 'em truth, me hanged." Tommy will know better next time, probably. * * * There has been no end of gossip in town this week (says the Auckland "Observer") ooncernmg what appears to be very much like an elopement. The Lothario in the case is a certain commercial traveller, whose name' is> wellknown in Auckland, while the lady, dairk-eyed and fascinating, was, until a few days ago, one of the goddesses of a prominent oity bar. It is. understood that their destination is Honolulu. An unfortunate circumstance in. the matter is that the commercial traveller is a married man, and leaves a family behind him. There are surrounding details in connection with the affair which have given rise to much balk, but they are best left out of print. * • • It isn't smart of any man to play with dynamite, or look down the barrel of a loaded gun. It also isn't smart to be rude to a magisjjrate. For instance, a man was charged before a New Zealand Solomon the other day with the usual offence — drunkeninessi — and the. magistrate passed him out wath a month. The drunk expressed a fervent wish that the magistrate would not sentence anybody "never no more.' Then, tne magistrate called him back, and gave him three months. He was only proving to the drunk that he was no prophet. * * * It is nossible that the person who inserted the following advertisement in a Northern paper was very holy — and very business-like . — "Wanted, lady partner, capital from £20 ; poultry fanning, strawberries, etc., close to station ; Christian and abstainer." The risk that any lady partner with £20 should be neatber a Christian nor an abstainer is frightful to contemplate. Is it possible for a sinful person to bold as much as £20 all at one time? * * * A Hastings story. A Maori looked for a white man for fourteen years. He found him, and, taking a iu-jitsu neckhold of the person, demanded £25 from him for the purpose of buying himself a new eye and a new set of teeth. For having put the mild request, the Maori was haled before the law, and the law asked nim to explain. Hone proceeded to tell that in a souffle fourteen years ago the defendant had knocked his eye and teeth out. If it was true — and the Maori appeared in oourt with one eye only — a ju-jitsu neck-hold! is a pretty small compensation for a missing eye and a bunch of teeth. Anyhow, the Maori was told to be a good boy for six months, and he went away to Te Aute to try and grow another eye, after unsuccessful attempts for fourteen years.

A Scottish jest. A New Zealander in. tlie Scottish-New Zealand football matcn wat> digging a hole with his heel to place the ball for a kick. He took a long time- about it, and made a big hde. Tiie ground-keeper rushed across the ground, and tried to stop the digging. "Diana' ye ken this is the Union's ground?" he asked, and added "Maybe, yell have to pay the damage !" The player still dug. Then came a vo.oe from the onlookers: "Maybe yon New Zealander is ganging bame that way !" • • • In a &jnall country town a concert was recently giv&n in aid of a local chanty. The last item on the programme was a duet, and, through some mistake, it was printed, "Oh that we two were niained," instead of "Oh l that we two were may ing." When the performeis oame on to the stage, the laiughter of the audience was so great that the duet had to oe abandoned, for the two local performers were known to be engaged. • • • A striking instance of even-handed justice is recorded at Home. A woman who committed the monstrous and shocking crime of stealing 11 lbs of potatoes was .rightly and justly sentenced to three years' penal servitude. Yet by an extraordinary exercise of clemency her sentence has just been reduced to twelve months' hard labour. AnotheT cas? has just occurred 1 at Bedford, where a woman was changed! with and confessed to the revolting crime of receivinigr a couple of stolen fowls. But, in consideration the fact that she had seven little children, and was in dire poverty, she was let off with the nominal sentence of six months' hard labour. "Why. one hundred! years ago both of these women would 1 have been, hanged, and 1 to-day a man for knocking hk wife

insensible and generally beating her, gets let oft with a caution.'! Yet, there are people who say that Justice is blind, and that England is mot cdviltsed. When Greek meet® Greek 1 Napier was treated 1 to some Grecian effects a day or two ago. A Greek lady and gentleman had figured in a court case, and the man was fined £3 "or a month. ' When the (man was taken outside by three policemen, Helen, of Troy, or whoever she was, attacked the three blue barbarians right, left, and centre, raining down imprecations and a cyclone of umbrella-blows. The enemy resisted with great vigour, and the lady simply fell back on hysterics, and had them in the middle of the road. She lay still for quite a while, until a spectator, touched to pity, poured a glass of water over her. It roused Helen to battle. She did a couple of hand-sprmgs, screamed twelve times and ended up with a "tiger," and then chased the police to the police station, where she read the Habeas Corpus Act in her own way, backing uip her demand with umbrella thumps at the door. The police looked out, and smiled. A few hours later she cooled down, paid the fine, and took her husband home amid the huzzas of the populace. # * * Owing to the statement of Mr. T. E. Taylor that it would be more sensible to "shout" pairs of socks than pints of beer, a mam took a party of friends into a butcher's) shop the other day, and called for "sausages all round." The butcher, suspecting: a hoax, didn't give out the sausages, but he supplied them with "a round." The sausage"shouter 3 ' had to ero away and dissipate his cash in the usual liquidi way.