Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume VI, Issue 289, 13 January 1906, Page 12

Entre Nous

TWELVE men, attired in floppy raiment, mostly white, were gathered! round a policeman, on the Quay, asking him things. There cam© along a lady, weaiing spectacles, and accompanied by a gentleman. When she had got safely past the group, she remarked in a stag© whasper to Jier escort . "I think it is absolutely disgraceful bringing those poor men through the 6treetsl" "What poor men?" asked the gentleman. "Why, those prisoners, of course!" "But, they are not. prisoners!" said the man, in a voice hoarse with emotion, "they are bowlers going to take part in the tournament!" ' Oh," said the lady, "I thought they looked remarkably respectable!" • • • Wellingtonians rather pride themselves as they tack round the corners, hanging on to their hats, that this is, par excellence, the windcest place in the colonies. We nave had our record lowered by Dunedin. A man who essayed to cross the road at the Octagon was lifted off his feet and landed 1 head down in. a gutter, jrhile a girl, carrying «n umbrella, was wafted right across a street, and deposited) on the verandah of a chemist's shop. Still, this is mild l compared! with the latest blow in New South Wales, where a threshing machine was carried over fences a quarter of a-mile, and 1 deposited in a river. • • « A propbs of the French-New Zealand football match. Jerome K. Jerome, the humorist, tells us tahat : "As yet the Frenchman, has not got it oat of his head that ''the coup to practice is kicking the ball high into the air. and catching it upon Ms head. He would rather catch the ball upon hi® head titan Boore a goal. If lie can manoeuvre the ball away into a corner, kick it up into the air twice running, and each time catch it on his head, he does not seem to care what happens after that. Anybody dan have the ball ; he has had his game, and 'is happy."

We got a boiled-down- notion, in the daily papers of the whistling fantasia indulged in by the referee in the New Zealand-Surrey football match. The whole thing was in the London, "Daily Mail." Some incidents appear therein which have not bean published locally. For instance : "A Scottish young lady, whose first football match this was, and evidently with literary recollections of the efficacy of the pibroch in clan warfare, asked her escort, after one particularly dangerous 'All Black' movement had been stopped at the referee's musical behest, *Wny aren't the New Zealanders allowed to have a man to whistle for them, too?' " • » « Again • " 'What an awful day for an open-air concert!' shivered a young lady in the grand stand, as she gathered up her skirts to depart." Further "It is understood that Mr. Dixon, . the New Zealand manager, is also duDious as to the correctness of many of the notes, and that he intends to take the earliest opportunity of interviewing the president of the English Musical Union on the matter." The tuneful referee awarded sixteen free-kicks in ,the match/ thirteen be:ng against New Zealand. • • » The Waikato revolver-shooting lady found a man inside her front door. She banged at him with, the lead-squirt. She left the house, because sihe> was frightened, and the man. didn't seem to mind the revolver, for he followed her. IShe banged' again, but only hit the wide, wide world. Then, she went away to a neighbour's house, and fainted on the doorstep, and her husband's first question to her when she got round was : "What the deuce' did you go banging at me for, Kate?" • •» • The rather extraordinary sight of a man taking possession of a school — buildings, reserve, andl all — was witnessed up the line the other day. When the children! turned up to gather their daily learning:, tihe man appeared at the door, waving a document. He ch'fi-ced the teacher off the premises, and boiled hk morning tea im the playground. When stern measures for his removal were taken, it was found that he was the lessee of part of the school reserve and that the gentleman, who had drawn the lease had included the whole of the school area, including "the buildiings erected thereon and the pppurtenanceG thereto." Apparently. the, kiddies cannot go to school amy more until the lawyer's clerk is hanged, or the lease is disproved, or Mr. Seddon sends a memo.

A great many clergymen, if the^ do not actually read their sermons, have full notes for reference, and the full notes a Wellington parson had last Sunday sent a chuckle round that could hardly b« suppressed. He was preaching about the life of St. Paul, and had made a good many references to the goodnesses of the good man. St. Paul was this, St. Paul was that, St. Paul was the other thing. He turned over a leaf. "St. Paul was a boskerl" he said, in a loud, clear voice. Then, he stopped, turned scarlet, and also turned another leaf. He was extremely confused, and how he got through, with iuus really excellent discourse was a mystery. As the parson tells us the story himself, we'd better explain. His son is a football enthusiast, and l has frequent correspondence with other enthusiasts. He is also the person who typewrites his father's cramped characters into legible English. The simple explanation of the occurrence of the unholy word "bosker" was that the leaf of a letter to a chum had got in with pa's sermon notes. They had words — not typewritten. A rather quaint newspaper placard appeared in London while the New Zealand footballers were throwing the British brand' of leather-kickers an to the frozen earth with a dull tihud. It was in ten-inchi letters, and read: — "How to beat the New Zealanidea-s by 500 experts." Yes, a team of five hundred! probably would get away with a mere fifteen. • • • This is the true story of Donald M<sTaggart, an> Irishman, although that isn't his name. He came from the North of Ireland first of all, but he came from the South of New Zealand to be married at Wellington. He had a brogue thicker than a politician's hide, and when the great day arrived he tould the cabby, d'ye moind, to dhrive him to the church begob. And the cabby knew phwhat to do bekase he was Irish, too from the Tipperary md, and he tuk Donal' to the Hill-street Basilica, and deposited him, a glorious figure, with many flowers in his coat, and white gloves on his hands. Donald waited there for two nouns, and concluded he'd been iilted, or, if he hadn't been jilted, the Presbyterian parson had run away with his girl. • • • "Have yez seen the Rev. Angus McNeil go into the church.?" says he to a passer-by. The person staggered. "Presbyterians don't go into Catholic churches!" was all he answered. When Donald turned up at St. Andrew's, on the Terrace, an hour later, a very angry <jrowd of people and a tearful girl were ready to tear him to bits. Now, he is learning from the missus to talk Scotch.

It probably isn't true, but it is » not altogether-undeserved satire on tihe disparity of treatment meted, out td_ tourist and settler respectively. A railway official is approached by a poor,. ■humble, bald-headed cocky farmer,, who, with hat in hand, pulls his forelock, and Bays : -t— "Please, sir, excuse me for troublmg you, but would you kindly make, it convenient to provide me with those trucks to bring those sheep, 'potatoes, and chaff to market? And, if not too much trouble, I would' be very much obliged' for that truck of coal I ordered six months' ago I" Tha official replies: "Ob, bother these complaints ; I have other more important matters to attend to. The same official is approached by a tourist, whosays: "Aw — II — aw— desire to get * private* — aw — carriage to RotoruaF* The obsequious official stands, hiat ia hand, and desires tfhe honour of carrying my lord's bag. An exaggeration, of course, but with some excellent points about it. A surgeon who hailed from Waihi Was invited by friends to Haiti," When they asked: "Will you carve?" He rapped out : "You may starve If you don't first of all find Maifi." • • • * There are several little newspapers in New Zealand the proprietors of which are "devil, 1 ' "camp," "sub," machinist, gunner, and editor — particularly editor. Do not despise them, because they mean well, and some of them often earn as much as £1 » week. It is a precarious and elusive note though, sometimes. One little man, well-known as a very high official indeed in Wellington, once ran a paper in the frozen South. He had a friend — one of his twenty subscribers — and the friend had lost a dog. It was a Srecious dog, and the editor knew the og well. He. persuaded the dog-owner to put a. 3s advertisement in, and' the dog-owner did so telling the editor topay out 5s reward to the finder, should there be a finder. • • .• Later in the day, the dbg came 'tothe office, and looked in at the editor. Here was a glorious five shillings all at onoe staring him in the face! It was wealth beyond the dreams of avarice. He put the dog in a back-room, and got (his paper circulated down at the cattle-yard, which was its stronghold. Later, the dog-owner called in. "Heard anything of the do??" he asked. "Of course," said the editor. He spoke of the advantages of advertising, and said the dog was there, and he had given 5s to the boy who found him. So the owner paid over the ss, just as ft crash of glass was heard) in the back room. The dog had bolted' through the window, and has never been seen since. The editor bolted with the wealth, and the dog-owner bolted with the plant, on which he raised l 2s 6d. He has been looking for the editor ever since.

"Sydneyite" writes : —"Hear your town ib a great town for business. Camnot understand! it, for the average snop-assistant in Wellington evidently regards a customer as an enemy 01 assirtantdom. Went into a big bootshop the other day, and stood alongside an assistant. He was reading toe sporting news of a daily paper. lie took no notice of me, and other people who were mooning about the shop took the same large interest in my doings. I Btrolled out, and went to another boot^Jiop, The man, who was on a ladder, stocking shelves, said : 111 De down d'rectlyl' I went and got my boots at another shop, where the proprietor was the only shopman. He wanted my cash, and got it. • • • "The big 'rag shops puzzle me. 1 hear they do an enormous busnuess. There were ton girls visible in the one I entered, t stood at a counter, in*? young lady told the opposite young My, ore/my head, that she 'thought Oissie had thrown over Jack. I strolled further down. Nobody saw me. Another duchess made the remark to a distant countess that she d 'had a bonsing time at Days liay! ± heard a story about a dtess that one girl was having mate, and another was doing her hair with the aid of a shop mirror." . . • It is not generally known that the New Zealand footballers received numerous proposals of marriage alter each game. Mistakes sometimes happened? One of the three-quarters, who was erroneously reported to have scored & brilliant try on one occasion, was requested next day by letter to hand on the proposal sent to him to an agile five-eighths. "Since wntuifc ran the letter, "I have discovered! that it was really he who scored, the insertion of your name being due to a printer's error. Under these ciroumstan,oes I can be nothing more than a sister to y OU . — Yours faithfully, etc' # • • The average person knows that the windows of buildings m course of erection generally have a large patch ot whitening on them, but the average person doesn't in the least know why. Usually, the festive working men use the whitening patches to write rude remarks on, but they serve a. useful purpose. You see, carpenters carrying pieces of timber may conclude there is no glass in the sa£& if the wnite patch is not there, and the said white patoh is a pointer to the workmen to avoia bashing pieces of loose trees through them. A new window is also "useful for sticking a notice on remarking that "this window was glazed by So-and-so."

A* evidence that the trundling game enjoyed popularity in the days of the "merry" monarch, Henry VIII., the "New Zealand Times" quotes that he added to Whitehall "tenise courts, bowling alleys, and a cockpit." Evidently, the dear old! "Times" confuses "nine-pint," or skittles wath "bowling proper. They are as much alike as marbles and billiards. • • A young man, born and bred in Wellington, but who now is professionally engaged m Christchurch, tells a story. When he started work at Chiistchurch, he took a couple of rooms i»n a veiny big building — one in which were many professional people; masseurs, typewriters, land agents, stock-brokers, loan-merchants, and all the rest of it. Nobody took much trouble to enquire into the other fellow's business. They knew -that he had a lady assistant, and decided that, aa he was dark and grave-looking, he must necessarily be a villain. • * * Sci earns wore heard from his rooms one recent afternoon, and a typewrite! on the next floor rushed into a stockbroker's office, and screamed 1 : "Oome quickly, Mr. Turnover, the new man upstairs is murdering his assistant. About ten men rushed! up, and buirst in the door— just as the dent.st from Wellington was dropping a young ladys tooth into a basin 1 • • * Taihape and its neighbourhood still furnishes fun,. It seems that at a post-office m the. neighbourhood a man went in to see if tihere were any letters there for him, and the gentleman behind the counter didn't tell him, but "went for" him. There were words, and the attacked party sprang to attention, and grasped a dined eel and defended himself with this awful weapon. They had got down to this part of the evidence in the court when the proceedings were disturbed by a loud series of snores, and the police removed a "drunk" who had oome to hear the case and gone to sleep. • • • The man who went for the letters told the Bench he didn't think it safe to go to the post-office now, even with a dried eel as a weaspon. On© witness, who required his expenses before he told them about the dried eel, said that he couldn't hear any strong lamguaee, but he smelt the- dried eel. It appears that the whole assault had its start in the sale of a fishing-line, so tihe business' seemed a bit fishy all through. The assaulter was fined! ss, and saidl he would! appeal, but, as the law forbids appeal on five shillings'worth of court case, we shall hear no more of the dried eel.

A very dear friend vouches for the untruth of the following story. A NoLicense man nearly died of grief when a certain Southern electorate didn't carry Prohibition. A friend of his, not having seen him for a few weeks, went along to condole with him. He found him at lunch, with a jug of foaming ale at his right hand, and <a big plate of bread and cheese and some spring onions. He was furnishing his interior wath great rapidity. •• • * The fnend was shocked at this shameless beerfulaess. The Prohibitionist explained that he had been very ill, and the doctor had ordered 'him to drink beer to give him strength. The friend asked if He was stronger. He said he was, and had another. Friend asked for proof of this new-found muscle. Prohibitionist took him out into the pantry, and showed him a big barrel — a hogshead, in fact. "See that barrel ?" he asked. "Well, three- weeks ago it took me and two draymen to lift it off the cart. Now I can lift it myself!" • * * We may expect a large number of Australians in New Zealand at any moment. One man got here, and wrote to bis town's paper, Mudgee "Post." He game by the Maheno. Says' he: — "There were six hundred passengers aboard, and a concert was held every night. The best meat you ever saw we buy in New Zealand for ldperlb, corned beef £d lb., bread 3£d a loaf, and tea, sugar, and most things as in New South Wales ; but wages are twice as much." Excuse us a moment, we are going out to buy some beef at a penny a pound. • • • If you go to the towns of the Waik&to, keep your eye lifted, and avoid the ladies. They will shoot at you on sight. They won't hit you, of course, but a revolver shot whizzing past your head is unpleasant. You see, a man stole a handkerchief off ,a clothes-Jine two weeks ago, and the revolver trade has since taken a most prosperous turn. The most pathetic sight in the world is that of the average woman with a revolver, but when she does get hold of a shooting-iron, she will fire it off to get it over quickly. A man might play a bluff-hand with a revolver, but a woman pulls the trigger right away, and screams when it goes off. • • • He was the wag of a merry party in a first-class carriage travelling between New Plymouth and Wellington, and when the ticketcollector appeared he leaned back and assumed the expression of a man who owned the line. "Ticket, sir?" The joker nodded. "Ticket?" Then the joker spoke freezmgly: "How lon.£ have you been stationedi here, my mam? Don't you know me? I'm Mr. Blank, one of the directors." "That's fu-nny!" said the collector, "so am I. We're all directors about here. I'll direct you to the station-master, he'll dhect you to the bobby, he'll drrect you to the magistrate, hell direct you to pay the fine, tinless lie directs you to gaol, and- " But the joker directed his hand to his pocket, and produced the ticket. CITY BUFFET HOTEL, WELLINGTON The Most Central Hotel in the City. First-class accommodation. Trams pass the Hotel every five minutes. Telegrams and letters addressed to the Proprietor promptly attended to. Best brands of Wines and Spirits stocked on the premises. Speight's Dunedin Beer always on tap. TATIIFF— From 5s to 6s per day ; from 30s to 40s per week. A. R. Y. LODDET?, Proprietor. Telephone 243. P.O. Box 152. BIIIIVI3E GABDENS AND HOTEL (laic McNab's), Lower Hutt. The Most Scientific and Ornamental Gardens in the Southern Hemisphere. The" hotel has been thoroughly renovated and refurnished, and permanent Boardeis and Tourists may rely upon having excellent accommodation, and finding everything first-class. Eight miles from Wellington, and five minutes' journey from Hutt Bailway Station. Good roads for riding or cycling. Telephone connection with city. Splendid train service. Good fishing and shooting. Correspondence invited, addressed to manager or proprietor Wines and Spirits of best brands kept on the premises. Speight's Beer on tap. . A. B. Y. LODDEB, Proprietor, W. GANDAE, Manager.