It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 130, 27 December 1902, Page 26

It is Town Talk

—That ping-pong, although essentially an indoor game, is now played out. That still another absent-minded Southerner called upon an insurance company to collect his insurance the day before the fire. —That a friend of ours, questioned as to his abstinence from any food other than soup, explains that he is. training for a set of artificial teetih. That a smart, Newtown youngster broke the whole class up last week when he was asked the masculine of "doe. "Bread," he proudly replied. That a "Society for the Suppression of Swearin"-" is likely to be founded in Wellington. Tram travellers will he exempt from fines, of course. — That a local lawyer glaring wildly at opposing counsel the other day, urged him to "give us time." "I would like to give you time!" said the other. — That the latest Yankee notion is to "dry" milk, and export it, packed in boxes. The baby's bottle will go out of use to make room for the milk stick. — That a well-known tradesman, who comjplained at the club of "a nagging pain, at night," was advised by a joker to persuade his wife to take a holiday. — That a certain little town is prowling horribly because a little rival town has nothing but publican Js.P. on, the Bench and no convictions for drunkenness m five years! — That it is now quite "de rigueur" in Sydney sooietv to have moonlight mixed baibhing parties, and swiper afterwards in dripping garments, on the beach. Wellington is sadly behind. — That a man-about-town has been receiving threatening letters. He wants police protection he says. Not generally known that the blood-curdling epistles are sent by himself to himself. — That a, Taranaki paper has a "schoolmaster abroad" interpreting cables for it. A recent one states that "General Booth left his card for Col. Lyndh at Hbllowav Gaol." Other papers spelt it "Botha." — That a newly-married Wellington woman took back that last "fifty" of flour to the grocer. Sadd it was tough She made a pie with some of it, and her husband had a struggle to out it. The idea! — That a drunken man, who recently fell from a tram, was uninjured, but the sober citizen, who unconsciously miscalculated the termination of the stairs by one is in hospital with a dislocated kneecap — That no man will acknowledge that he is a confirmed snorer, but the Terrace woman who set a phonograph the other night, is now able to convince her husband that the re-produced sounds were not the outcome of a dog-fight. — That a well-known touring picturemachine combination entered into negon tiations with a professional man, saved from the Elingamite, to give a lecture in connection with the show. They even offered to pay him a guinea for his services ' — That a hard-case won a wager the other day rather easily. He boasted he had lived on milk once for a whole year. It was scoffed at, and they put ibhear money up. Then, he saad "I admit it was my first year, and I wasn't old enough to know better." — That a new lv-married Wellington gjrl had been reading an. article about cooking by electricity, and when her husband came home he found that she had hung some chops on the electric bell, and was pushing the button for all sihe was worth. He dined at a restaurant. — That an extremely "blue" lady, re^ centlv returned to Wellington from tlhe world's metropolis, describes the sounds heard through a local telephone as an indistinct, far-away sound as of the di&tant quacking of ducks against a background of moans a,nd hisses coming in reply. — That a country paper has a queer way of congratulating a successful townsman. It says "Mr. Blank is a brainy fellow 7 , who will leave his footprints on the sands of time, and upon anything else within reach." Mr. Blank should be warned to leave his boots on the mat. —That W. J. Rudd, one of the lifetakers of the Government Insurance Department, has just bagged his temthouisandth proposal for his office. And he is feelinf "0 Ruddier than the cherry" over it. He is said to be responsible for more than two millions' worth of insurance in twenty years.

— That a man must make his own way in the world, while a woman merely has hers. — That many a man is willing to die for his country, but he wants to fix a date for himself. — That New Plymouth will offer Madame Melba £500 for a concert there. New Plymouth is profoundly optimistic — That, in the proposed Wellington infectious diseases hospital, there should be also accommodation for the chronic "drunk." — That the larrikins of Olufcha are so full of good spirits that they are terrorising the local police. The police haive been allowed to carry revolvers. — That two Maoris have heeii arrested for the larceny of a stray dog. A man who missed a leg of mutton insists on calling the Maoris benefactors. — That a bull literally got into a cfrna shopj at Waihi, the other day. It is disappointing to the faithful chronicler to have to say it broke nothing. —That the value of a thumb is £257. This is what a Greymouth wharf labourer received from the Railway Department as damages for his loss recently. — That an erstwhile butcher boy, of Pahiatua, is alleged to have amassed enouerh money at book-making in this sinless country to blossom forth as a bloated capitalist. — That the prohibitionists are petitioning the Government, to change the name of Brandy Gully in a new Southern prohibition district to Prohibition Park. So mote it be. — That a suburban ironmonger's assistant occupied the best part of an hour tihe other day searching for a "tin of striped paint," with which an inquiring barber wished to decorate his pole. — That more tihan a third of the signatures to a petition to the Manawatu Racing Club, praying it to retain the "tote," were those of ladies. Try them on a petition to retain the gorgeous "bookie." — That the Boer delegates intend to He-stock their farms with cattle to be bought in New Zealand. Who is going to re-stock New Zealand, which would go oomfortaibly on a couple of Kramer's estates/? —That Mr. Buddo, M.H.R., was unable to answer a pre-election query by am anxious lady. He is thinking it over. The question was "Will Mr. Buddoi, if elected, urge the Government to takei steps to provide husbands for widows?" — That the prohibitionists threaten a strong crusade against gambling. Its continuance, or discontinuance, may vet figure on the polling paper. We shall be "nicer than pie" in New Zealand if we are not careful. — That' volunteering has fallen flat since Mr. Boer threw up the sponge. There are no recruits in sieht. Partial payment, on the Australian system, the only cure. Why not try the commando system? — That a Southern newspaper wrestles painfully with North Island Maiori names, and generally gets badly thrown. The other day a Dunedin, print, *n a Wellington item, could get no nearer "Ngaiha/uraniga" than "Mgahaurerwer" ! — That Syrian hiawkeirs are on the increase in New Zealand. One woman, up Eketahuna way, after endeavouring to sell her goods, invariably asks if there are any men about who want to marry and settle down. She is business clear through. — That "spirit rappmgs" in a Newtown house scared the wits nearly out of the residents. They lay awake in fear and trembling a whole night. Next morning, a search revealed the cause. A cat, with its head in a fish-tin, had given up the ghost underneath the house, in its endeavours to free itself. — That, When the New Zealand police do get a burglar, the Bench makes it hot. for him. Octogenarian Justice Conolly sent a recent housebreaker "ur>" for five years. He also sent two boys, who lit some rubbish boxes, "up" for seven recently. — That a correspondent is to the fore with a theory that the universal terrestrial disturbances experienced lately are the result, of the encircling of the eartih with, electric wires and cables. They have destroyed the balance of terrestrial magnetism. The silly season is setting in all right.