Every Home Comfort. ..

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 130, 27 December 1902, Page 12

Every Home Comfort. . .

(By E. J. Eame&.)

" "V'yACANCIES for Gentlemen Boarders, also, good accommodation -*• for Married Couple , good table, bath, and every home comfort. Terms, Moderate. Apply, 521, street." Tile advertisement was alluring enough, surely ! And, to afford mvsell the necessary tune in which to secure a suitable house (a rather difficult task in Wellington just now, by the way), I took a census of my household, from which enumeration I concluded that my domestic circle could be accurately described as a"married couple," and so sallied forth into the heart of the Empire City with the definite object of presenting myself at 521, Blank-street. An elderly female, of foreign extraction, whose frosted looks bore testimony of a passage through, it may be, a space of sixty winters, greeted my arrival. "Yes, I could be accommodated," so upstairs we went forthwith on a visit of inspection. En route I noted the patched-up shabbiness of the many-pat-terned oilcloth ends, the square of one having apparently grown faint in vainly endeavouring to fit in with the circle of its neighbour. The tariff? Oh, that would be for myself and wife, £2 10s> a week, payable in advance. I have an ancient prejudice to the "payment before, delivery" plan ; a well-ground objection, based upon more than one extremely unsatisfactory experience. I protested against the principle, but, arguments being unavailing, I subsequently proffered to pay half-weekly in advance. This very reasonable orecaution, however, only served to excite the dame's suspicion in regard to my solvency, and, with uncompromising determination she resolutely insisted. ut»on a full week's settlement. Preferring to accept the risk, rather than extend my perambulations in .search of lodgings I, with some expression of doubt as to the wisdom of so doing, paid into her hand coin of the i^eailm. to the total value of fifty Shillings-. Such was the manner of my introduction to the enjoyments of "every home comfort," in 521, Blank-street. At dinner-time, the discovery was made that we had a fellow-boarder, and a glance at his countenance, as he made a comprehensive survey of the gastrnomic preparations cautioned us to fortify our minds against surprise of any description, and called into remembrance the philosophic dictum, "Blessed is he who expecteth little, for he shall not be disappointed." Macpherson, for that was the other victim's name, had recently come from Australia, where drought and accident had destroyed the promise of a prosperous career. And a combination of unpropitious happenings terminated in his leaving wife, family, and home, and reenlisting amongst the army of artisans — for he was formerly a carpenter. But, to return to the table, the centre of which was adorned by a cracked vase of consumptive-looking flowers A sm<Jl jug of milk was close by, with a complexion as blue as the expression on any of the faces round the table. I will not say cow's milk because, I venly believe the creature from which it came was a cross between a byre and a warden pump. Presently, the meat appeared, and a plate containing several pieces of parboiled potatoes. There was mustard m the cruet, to be sure, and manifestly had been there some time if the adamantine incrustations on the bone ladle could be accented as evidence. How long could only be a matter of conjecture. There was pepper, too, and the bottle containing that condiment was afflicted with a very ricketty lid (whose eyes were all bunked up, doubtless with the strength of the seasoning), a disorder oommon to the whole race of boarding-house pepper boxes. The result of this condition was that a violent shaking had to be administered, and the consequence, not a respectable sprinkle, but the dashing of the lid into the soup-plate, accompanied by a running stream of stinging pungency. After allowing a few seconds to intervene, in order to afford the atmosnhero an opportunity of clearing itself of the choking particles, the next highly entertaining task was to fish the lid from its greasy bath, and reiplace it on its crazy eminence, not forget* ng, before doing so, to carefully wipe it upon your pocket-handkerchief — table napkins not being; provided. But to extract the overflow of pepper from the soup was an impossible operation, which necessitated the first course being passed on. An indictment for sedition would probabJy have followed a hint at pickles, much more so to evince an expectancy in regard to cheese or fruit — notwithstanding that Chow Quong does retail over-ripe bananas at threepence per dozen, paper bags thrown in. I have indicated that "the other boarder" was indisposed to regard the prospect with equanimity, and in that spirit' of fellow feeling which makes us

wondrous kind, we, at the first meal, exhanged confidences and laid the foundation for open mutiny. But, the consideration of that "payment in advance" checked any immediate action. The 1 perpetual air of righteous selfconsoiousness which enveloped the widowed landlady told as plainly as woDpds could have expressed that she was conscientiously satisfied that we were receiving full value for money received, but the provender itself amply demonstrated that the wily old soul, with a calculation worthy of a better cause, had reduced the domestic problem "Upon hiow little can a boarder subsist" to a scientific At tea-time., the climax oame, for there is a point beyond which human endurance is impossible. The butter was rancid. Euphemisms need not be employed. It was of that peculiar ouality which involuntarily calls to recollection tihe awkwardly constructed notice displayed on one occasion over a tub of butter ait a London grocers, "Look at our price , nobody can touch it." Without desiring to slander the article set before us, I must place on reoord my legal opinion that had it been used on the axle of a self-respecting wheel-barrow, the said vehicle would have bad cause for loud and legitimate complaint. Macpherson. unused to the tricks of boarding-house, trade, allowed a heated complaint to burst from his overwrought bosom. The daughter of the house, who in a greasy costume, did duty as waitress, calmly met the assia/ult upon the character of the butter with a candid admission that it was really not good, but fresh would be in that day. But a stomach of dry bread was not to be disarmed by this absence of hostility, and Mac forthwith ascended the stairs, and, in plain, unvarnished language, without any preface, apology, or reservation, whatsoever, forcibly put the case before the proprietress herself. A. match to gunpowder could not have caused an explosion more instantaneous. The air for the space of a good thirtyfive seconds was streaked with female maledictions. "You go ! you go !" gurgled the vixen. "Yes, I will," returned Mac, somewhat nonplussed by this assault, "but you must give me back my money." "Not a penny ; not a penny 1" spitfired the widow. A fusiliade of abuse followed, and, to escape the fiery atinospliere, Mao hurried from the housie. "A low vomans! Tolly!" shrilly called the anp-elie creature to her daughter "Tolly, you heard him call me a low vomans?" But Dolly was discreetly silent on that point, and replied, reprovingly, "Oh, do keep quiet, mother." "Keep quiet? My wor-rd. I'll teach him to call me a low vomans. It's a dangerous thing to say. I'll teach him!" I would not. have missed Mac's return for his luggage for a competency. Upon calm reflection, the old geyser, being mortally afraid of the consequences if she did not, had decided to make Mac a refund of eleven shillings, and turn him ""out of the house." Chafing fearful!- under this obligation to disgorge, and from which she could see no loop-hole for escape, she assailed her boarder. "Now, git yer luggage, an' out you go. I pay you. Look here, Mister (I looked), you be witness. Two-and-six, five, seven-and-six. ten, and one's eleven. Now, out you go'" Mac had recovered his presence of mind, and with heroic calmness under a torrent of abuse, proceeded to pack his trunks. "Come now, -ou're a long time. Out you go, or I'll pitch you out. Ah, a nice man you are, with a wife and family. God help your wife, I say ; I d like to see yer children, I would. Don't you be afraid , I'll make it hot for you. A low vomans indeed'" Mac quickly looked up "I didn't call you a low woman," he said. "You did you did," was the excited reply. "Tolly l Tolly, you heard him , you heard him. Didn't he call me a low vomans? My wor-rd, I rung up my solicitor — (this with righteousness on every feature) — and instructed him to sue you for two hundred pounds damages. He'll find you, don't you be afraid. He's the best solicitor in Wellington, he is. Come on, out you go! A low vomans indeed. Ask over the road about me — ask my landlord. I always pay my rent, I do. A low vomans. Me' Me, as has brought up a family of eight without a father!" Excitement played the very mischief it'll the construction of the old lady's sentences, and rendered them liable to very remarkable interpretations. "The place is too good for you!" she continued, without pausing, and so red in the face that I involuntarily held up my hand in case she should burst. "Too good for you '" she went on. "You ought to be at a sixpenny restaurant, amongst the Chinese. What about the tucker? Ask Mr. , who was

with me four years ; he's at the Dunedin, hospital now." More confusion, though the natural inference was possibly true. "Come on, out you &n or I'll pitch you downstairs. Tolly (calling to the kitchen,) bring that up to me. (This was said in a tone so significant that I dreaded the arrival of a musket, or, at best, a poker; but no reply came from the kitchen). Uy word, I'll show you. Come on, out you go! Hoo, youl (her vocabulary was nearly exhausted) ; you're the first carpenter I've had in mv house, and you will be the last. I want gentlemen, I do, not carpenters!" With this parting thrust, Mac escaped. That same day I forfeited my payment in advance, and left too, for I felt I had not the necessary physical fortitude to endure another day of "Every Home Comfort."