The Candidate and the Cow.

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 123, 8 November 1902, Page 17

The Candidate and the Cow.

IT was Sebastian Twmn's first experience of the hustings, and Sebastian was not built to shine there. Mr. S. Tmn wa& an ingenuous sort of man, who thought no ill of anybody, and was very sensitive to criticism, and extremely thin in the skin. Sebastian was a tall man, with a willowy figure, a mild blue eye, a pale complexion, and a conciliatory expression, and it was difficult to understand how he had been induced to come forward and offer himself as an object of insult and a butt for the vulgar, which is usually the proud position of the average candidate. A man who has a conciliatory expression a mild blue eye, and a decided objection to being accused of ir.anslaughter, kidnapping, chicken-stealing, hitm\\<i\ robbery, and bigamy with violence, is not a fit and proper person to place himself in the position of a Parliamentai\ candidate. Since the birth of Parliamentary institutions the Parliamentary candidate lias been fair game to the rough-and-read\ street-corner humourist^ and the practical ioker, and has been deemed a fit and proper person at whom to hurl pre-historic e^gs and damaged cats, not to mention decayed fruit and vegetables and other articles that break and spread and stick and cling. So it was admitted by the judicious at East Taniwha that Mr. Sebastian Twinn's candidature was a mistake. The judicious knew that Twinn was a well-read man with an excellent grasp of the .situation, and one who mio-ht have been an extremely useful man m Parliament, but he had not the constitution of a promising candidate — nor the skin. A lucky candidate has a skin like a crocodile or a bush pig, and the insults of the enemy bounce off him like hailstones off a blue-metal gaol. Mr Twinn got along excellently for a time. He was such a nice, mild man and spoke m so gentle and philosophical a spirit that the opposition found it difficult to attack him, but his opponent was a Labour man, and the attack was inevitable. Sebastian was not capable of getting excited over politics , he knew too much of the science of Government for thait. With him it was philosophy , not a matter of part"- and place. He addressed the electors in this spirit— a long, pale, fair-haired, gentlemanly man, with glasses, and the accent of a B.A. Twmn's friends were amazed to find him going so smoothly, but one eveniM, after the candidate ' had addressed a crowded meetine, a man arose in the middle of the hall, and said "Mr. Chairman, I would like to ask the candidate a question. Is he the man who, in June of last year, advertised for someone to milk his cow twice a day Sundays included, and then, when an old fellow oallecl and offered to do the work for two shillings and sixpence a week beat the workman down to a shilling a week, saying that the workers of this country were a grasmng avaricious lot?" (Sensation murmurs and a few groans.) "And if he is that man Mr. Chairman, I should like to ask vou if you think he is a proper person to represent the intelligent working men of East Taniwha?" Sebastian Twinn was obviously astounded , he came forward stuttering nervously. The charge was so unexpected, so outrageous, he could not find words to express his indignation. His uneasiness created a bad impression. There was a burst of groaning, and an excited little man with a long grey beard arose and shook a stick at the candidate. •Mr Chairman, it's true'" he cried "And well old Twinn knows it's true, too. I sez, sez I, I'll milk your cow for half-a-crown, I sez, and he gives it to me straight 'A bob is good enouerh for the likes o' ve,' he sez. 'You workers is the rum o' the country,' he sez. Gentlemen 1 " Here the little man shook his stick at the audience, and became almost frantic "The cow was black an' tan I can prove it'" This was considered conclusive. The crowd howled with indignation. You workers is the ruin o' the country ' sez he'" veiled the little old man once ao-ain. The crowd howled more furiously than before, aoid Sebastian Twinn, almost breathless with amazement, was making feeble efforts to win the ear of the electors . "Gentlemen'" he cried, "gentlemen, if you please. I- " Here a boy at the back gave a truly wonderful imitation of a cow bellowing. It was a long-drawn, plaintive bellow, suggesting a gaunt cow, with a settled sorrow on a hill-top, in the pale moonlight, reciting her grievance to a sleeping world. This time the crowd yelled with laughter. The enlightened and intelligent elector may curse and abuse you and still vote for you, but when he laughs you know you are hopelessly out of it

An Electioneering Item Founded on Fact. The crowd laughed at Sebastian Twinn — laughed long and loud, and when it was inclined to oease the boy at the back threw in. his mournful, telling bellow again, and oft the people went into roars again. The distracted candidate made another pathetic effort, and the meeting caught up the bellow, poor Sebastian was literally ''mooed' oft the platform. The opposition had got all it wanted The cow incident was worked against Sebastian for all it was worth. The allegation was in distinct contradistinction to everything known of Twmn's character, but that did not mattei Throoighout the rest of the campaign, the wretched candidate heard of nothing but cow. Mooing and bellowing greeted hum. everywhere — in his office, in his home, in the street, on the platfoim Even his sleep was disturbed by the plaintive bellowinerof the awful boy who had started this most effective electioneering cry, and who was obviously in the pay of the enemy. Sebastian went suddenly wild he lost all confidence in himself , he seemed to live m a world peopled bv distrauerht cows bellowing sorrowfully for their youner. His ears, his head his whole lfie resounded to the lowing of kme Meeting after meeting was wrecked bv the bellowing of the opposition, and questions of the most absurd kind, all bearing on cows, were showered upon Sebastian Twinn. The law and order party were with him, heart and soul, and strenuous efforts were made to pull the candidate together and refute the calumnies, but at this point the other side, as if with the idea of proving its assertions, produced the cow. The cow which figured for the first time in the politics of the country was a gaunt, black animal, with tan patches. Where the Labourites had packed her up Heaven knows but she was a strange, eccentric beast, and the enemies of Twinn produced her at his meetings, and worked her for all she was worth. When the hired boy bellowed, this desolate blaok and tain bovine put her cold, wet muzzle up into the air, and breathed forth a blast of dolorousness that there was no resisting. The cow triumphed, and Sebastian abandoned all attempts to address open-air meetings. But, the opposition was determined that the cow legend should not die. Sebastian's partv had arranged for a bip meeting, to be held in the Mechanics' Institute, and, in order to ensure a fair hearing for their candidate, for once at least, determined that admission should be by ticket only. There was a full house, and Mr Twinn finding; himself in decent company had almost overcome his treat nervousness, and was speaking well, whe- suddenly, the stage behind him yawned, and, like the demon in the play, up rose the melanoholv black and tan cow. She st)od for a moment, gazing reproachfully down upon the audience, then, in answer to a faint, far-off bellow, apparently from the earth's interior, hoisted her cold nose, and mooed like a heart-broken fog-norn. What meeting of mere humans could resist such a situation? The crowd laughed itself almost into a state of collapse and Sebastian Twinn took up his hat and went slowly home. It transpired that the stage at the Mechanics' Institute was fitted with trans for purposes of dramatic represen- ' itions, and the Labourites had smuggled their offensive cow in under the sta.ee and hoisted her into view at the critical moment. Next day's "East Taniwha Mercury contained the announcement of Sebastian Twinn's retirement from the con"I wish to say here," wrote the broken candidate, "that I never advertised for a man to milk my cow seven davs a week furthermore, that I never offered anv man one shilling to milk the said cow, and, m conclusion, that I never in my life owned a cow. I have often tried to assure the electors of this, but always in vain. When next I attempt to ge into Parliament it will be in a country whollv barren of cows. _ The Labour candidate went in with flyine colours, and the black and tan cow having answered her purpose disappeared from the political arena. She realised 7s 6d at the East Taniwha bone mill, and for the rest of the week the gifted boy who bellowed so realistically did nothing but make inexpensive cigarettes —By "Freelance," in Melbourne "Punch."