Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 101, 7 June 1902, Page 12

Entre Nous

WhLLIXGTON went tempoianly a tune hd/A in its head when the jo^ bells mug out the tidings ot peace la&t MoncUn . la k"Sb time than it takes to wnte it the whole staft ot cnil sen ants stampeded fiom the Big Buildings into les»er buildings to clmstcn the little strangei That the\ well and tiuh nicioased the ie\eime theie can be no doubt Main citi/ens at othei tunes most sedate and piopei \\a\ed thieepenny Jacks," a/id tar ki d in hemng-bone patterns aci oss the pa\emenh> The pool old clock in the Post Office did not know what had stiuck it when a ben got on to each quartei ' bell and a stra\ man on the liotn # \\ hen it tried to strike ten, it made a feeble attempt to flick its toi mentor* down into the stieet, and it had foigatten how many times it was expected to toll and made abash of its work. In fact it w ent completely off its head tor the da\. and e\ei\ time struck the wiong hours. Then when the bellnngeis got t hirst \ and festive crowds weie pouimg along Lambton Qua\ , a laige io\ous '-mile loomed up on the"" footpath fiom behind a laige bright Union Jack It was Mi George Fishei MH R hurrying clow n to participate. The people probably reasoned that Sn Joseph Ward had bv some occult means, obtained the peace that we have been so anxiously awaitnio- At am late, he stiuck the right chords of feelmg in his speech and raised the crowd to such a pitch of patriotic enthusiasm that they took the horses out of his carnage and dragged him and Laclv Ward through the thionged streets. * ♦ * A gentleman, ha,s hitheito been a pattern for prohibitionists, careeied wildly down the street singing "Ber-nt-tons (hie) nevei-nevei — nevershall (hie) be ser-laves (collapse) 1" A sailoi-man wath a black eye and a nearh dead maiine in lus hand, assisted him to legain his equilibrium, and ln<- bell-top-per. We "left them " 'Kie v'are fei yei peace badges 1 " echoed on all sides and the streets were full of shop-hands who had taken Fiench leave Also peace badges had n^en m price during the first houi of the new older of things. Down Willis-street came the New town Lilliputian Fire Brigade with all its hoisos" Union Jacked nearly out of eight Several patriots of larger siowth filled uith doubtful alcohol and bluestono beer nearly wrecked the amateur file fighters' turn-out but were nipped in the bud b\ a blossoming pal ice m in A dog. that some loyal lunatic had decorated with a lam-tin, tastefulh tied with led, white, and blue nbbon. bolted into a bike, and stiewed a startled evehst round the road The Bntish hon mounted on <i tiollv manned h\ more or loss bibulouslv hilarious vouth^ wageed a, wooden tail and some patriot tootled a horn to create a hoarse kind of roar with each caudal oscillation. Altogether a stioll around well lepaid one if one did not indulge in too much Peace "tonic " which 'Penis to have been specially blew ed for the gieat occasion

Tito coiuitiN geueialK is cletciimiKcl tliat e\ei\bod\ shall h.iu< a clean back \aid and no lats The foil fiend plague will get no hold while the counties nuclei the eagle ncs or the samtai\ m-pectois In a Wanaiapa to«n la^t week <i cvi ions tia\ ellei horn \\ ellin^toii followed in the wake- or the sniollei-out ot daik and dismal places, unsanitan haunts or lodents andrestenng hoap<- of nastmess in ordei to note his method ot disco\ enng plague conn-, To aUK with last m«i s cnil papeis in hei lian and a pan ot antodilmian shppei s on hoi root, the occupant ot a lioum- that po^essed moio odours than Cologne he said 'Good da\ ■ Is m>ui house sanitan ? Yes. what's that"" 01' thanks' 1 pohtol v answoied the man- smelloi-out Good-bxe 1 " and lie was gone' \1) the- lnnnoious episodes aie not (onh.ud to the Wanaiapa foi Palmcistoi can MippK a tew In ti out of a big iiioeeix <-toie m th«t town stood a big ban el of tieacle, and the small bens hoped that it would stay thcie until thf\ effected then fell puipose When dcw\ m°ht thiew hei sable mantle ovei the scene., the small bo\s rolled that ban el into the road befoie the moon cr O t up sta\ed m the top, pouied out The sugary libation, and waited for the WaiideierV Cycling Club to pass that wa> on their moonlight ude Soon the bicvele pi occasion headed bv the poith owner of the treacle himself ho\e in sight, and the spectacle of one do/.en citizens striking that patch almast simultaneously, and floundering around like flies in a jam dish, accompanied bv suppiessed chuckles from hidden juvenile voices, was one of the finest bits of comech that those had evei Mitiiessed An nate club is scraping treacle off its tires, and the village constable has his tunic bulged out with blue papeis for half the juvenile population * * • A countn gentleman is at piesent taking a well-earned lost after a somewhat "tedious routine of work It fceems that the gertleman lived next door to the keopei of a poultiv farm, and that he and his famlv woie particulailv partial to fowl One lecent day, the poultry fannei saw his favouilte roostei mounting the feace in a very unioosterhke mannei and he sprinted to the dnision fence to asceitam the cause of the fowl's climbing mania He ai lived in time to find the next-door e-eiitleman with his foot on the neck of the fowl, taking a fish-hook out of its mouth Subsequent inquiries went to show that the gentleman's chief occupation had been fowl-fishing for some tnno That white elephant Admiialtv House, is greatly exercising the souls of the Auckland people The Haiboui Boaid persisted in building it at large expense against the plain statement of the Admiral that he didn't want to live in Auckland But the 80.v.xl was determined to leave no stone, unturned to get Auckland pi ©claimed an Imperial na\al station Well, Admiialtv House is built, but the Admiral lefuses point blank to oeoupv it ?nd the miestion is "What's to be done 0 " * * • The latest rumoui is that Geneial Babmgton is to be asked to take up his lCsidenee there in his. capacity of Comma lidoi of the Forces. They say that .somebody mentioned the pioposal to Geneial Babington the othei day. and he laughed heartily at it The idea of cagmo- him there simply m order that tho smoke-eivshiouded castle might have <xn occupant was too much for his gravit\ altasethei' However all is not lost vet Tt is whispered that the Harbour Boaid secietan who has just gone

Home on one of those little jaunts that seem to be the peculiar prerogative of Haiboui Boaid secietanes at Wellington and elsewhere, has been instructed to sound the Admiralty discreetly about the expediency of compelling the Admiral to live at Auckland occasionalh , and, if he still refuses, to ask for his withdrawal and the appointment of an Admiral who will be more obliging / MaJiutu, the Maori King, is an up-to-date monarch It is his royal pleasuie at present to have a ladies' band. One of the difficulties existing is that all the wahmes cannot play on the big drum at the same time, and that the sylphlike trombone, who only weighed fouiteen stone ha& left to get married, and her uniform won't fit the other lady. who is loss sylph-hke. and weighs twenty-five stone Anyone who has heard and seen that band will own right up that none of the players can ever be fi<\t " You must not imagine that the ladies, wear a crimson and yellow shawl a blue skirt, and a yellow handkerchief They aie neatly attired in blue braided ci — overalls, and the tunics are frogged with silver lace « * * They weai a forage cap set rakishh on one s-ide, and there is nobandswoman in the whole array who weighs ovei thut\ stone The effect is very fine The dium-maior is a married lady, who fills her rakish little uniform in even seam, and who is not allowed to smoke on parade Melvin Vaniman the Yankee who takes four-foot snapshots, tued to get the band on to one of his plates but he gave it up. He found that a. smaJ] mountain in the corner spoilt the effect It turned out to be a section of the dium-major. # * ♦ 'Peace has been pioclaimed !" Thus one joyful citizen to another, to whom, for reasons known to himself, he had studiously avoided "Come an' 'aye a dunk " They went "Change for a note Mips o " auened he of the shout "C'oitainlv Oh it is a 'tenner'"' said the aubuin gilt-headed duchess at the engine" 'Ah. bv the way," chipped in the gentleman who was partaking of thus uncommon hospitality, "can you do anything with this?" "This" was a P N for £7 10s, and the shouter, who had the week previously begged hard per post to have the time extended "as he hadn't got a bean," got £2 9s out of that deal Peace at such a price p K\n er ' The Government have lust been finding out that land values are rising fast m the city of Auckland. There is a vacant plot at the comer of Albertstieet alongside the Government building that the-s recently decided to ac(iuup The oidinarv valuation at the tune was £3000. But no sooner were then negotiations under way, than it boomed up to £4500, and just now tho ow hoi's are asking £5000 for it «■ ♦ * The governess notes what my lady said The housekeeper hears it next She passes it on to the parlour-maid Who greatly improves the text. The pailour-maid tells it the nurse girl When there's nobody there dee tropp Together they tell it the amorous cook Who passes it on to the cop. He passes it on to the newspaper man Who dishes it ud as a par. And news of the doings of bong tong folks. Is circulated afar.

Delightful little appetiser alleged to be a '"tiue bill " from a not distant town. A cattle owner and a wellknown racehorse trainer were totting up their losses and winnings, and the hoisey-man had a big grievance. He had just lo&t a very valuable stallion, from influenza, and lie bemoaned his fate. "That's where we cattle-men come in," said the breeder of bulls ' Now , that old 'polev' bull of mine died yesterday, but, bless your heart, he's that fat that he'll fetch more now than he would when he was alive!" We wonder if he w ill be duly branded as ' fit for human consumption." Everybody ha& met the hoary veteran with the string of medals, who will tell you of hair-breadth escapes, and how he won the battle of Waterloo with a table knife and a barrel of gunpowder. The other day he cropped up in the bar parlour of a local hotel. There was a Sixth Contingenter there relating the more or leas stirring war tale of the past twelve months. We caught the following —"An' I tells you, there wouldn't 'a bin no war if it 'adn't a bin for thait there old Joe." "Joe Hannesberg 5 " suggested the contingenter. "Aye that's his name. There wouldn't a bin no war if it 'adn't a bin fer him." And then he quaffed confusion to the King's enemies * * » All sorts of cuies for stoutness are ciopping up You can gravely stand on your head for ten minutes at a time, take a Turkish bath twice a day. run a mile or two dailv in a big overcoat, or take Thingumbob's anti-fat. The neatest antifat remedy w e can suggest is to get the loan of one of the Esquimaux dogs recently purchased by Sir Joseph Ward. Noticed one of those animals taking a medium-sized boy out for a spin tJie other day Boy was hanging back — the traces pulling about a hundredweight- — but that dog yanked him along like a half-rate yacht in an equinoctial srale A course of Esquimaux dog is hisrhlv recommended for persons of commanding presence. * • • Two Coles have iust got married, or to be more precise, a Mr. Cole has wedded a Miss Cole Wherefore the local -poet da«hes into verse after this style Were either of these, I wonder T'other's old flame B Will sparksi fly till the;\ break asunder? But what's m a name' * * * Theie was a bit of a scuffle on one of the New town trams on Saturday afternoon. A crowd of spectators, returning from Athletic Park, were on board and a good many had to stand. Amongst them was a newly-arc-ived Johnny with a monocle in his eye. and looking intensely displeased because a stout old lady had squeezed him out of the seat next his best girl. He was, therefore, hardly prepared to be amiable when one of the football enthusiasts trod heavily upon his polished boot. "Would you kindly oblige me by btrolling off my feet?" he asked, in the iciest tone. "Oh. certainly '" said the young man from the Park, with a pert cheerfulness that raised a general laugh, "I'll just thank it over. Is it much of a walk?" Then the masher struck out, and when we left, the mill was at its height, and collar and cuffs was up to his eyes in a stiff <xra tract.

An mebiiated citizen, who was u n successful I) tnmg to peisuade a couple ot coikseiew legs to w alk a lino tliat wasn't theie, on the Qua', on Peace' night, ga\e it up He tried haid to keep Ins dignity in working oidei , but it was no good, and. with a grunt V>om oh beei he subsided on to the kerbstone His expiession was moie \ acuous than a politician's promise and his biain didn t woik with sufficient celent\ to gi\e him a headache The onl\ facult\ the beer had left him was the powei ot multiplication He bi ought his de\t( r optic from its stellai seai ch and fixed it on Ins boots 01 thcieabouts One legsh two legsh thiee legsh tout logsh- Gieat Scott, I must be a bloonnn" centipede 1 " And then Robert who has just won tlie police ping-pona, hi ace-lets, aiulwho theiefoie felt in swept him un and made him use a few ot those legs to cany him away to ,i nlace wheiebeeis aie not * * • Now that the ma\ors of New Zealand aie comfoitablv ensconced in their iespectne mayoial chans, and the voice of the electioneering channel has subsided, evenbodv can tell a about Ins own particulai ma\ 01 Noboch will recognise the subiect ot this paiagraph if we say that he was a ieall\ good sort with but one fault— a pionounced loiefoi whisk\ About election time a vounsj couple in the town under notice got married and the local larrikins tinned out in full foice to tin kettle" them Tliev paraded in front ot the supposed domicile of the newlvwedded pan and tin-kettled sung, tirewoiked and \elled themselves hoai«o for an hour without effect » • • \h at last ' A light Imagine their surprise to see a night-iobecl figure stagger iin.steadih on to the balcony, balance a candle above Ins head as if he was going to drink a health to the King, and say Missr Shairmansh ladiesh, an' (hie) sheimehnen I'piesluate the giea.' (hit 1 ) honoui \ou do me, and am Had to find m\ candidashure sho popufai in tlush chshtnet." It was the candidate foi the mayoralty, and the nen-ly-w-ed pair lived a coimle of ooors ruither up The would-be mayor got ott a brilliant electioneenng speech oefore the people had time to get away He is now the lughh-i expected mayoi ot that borough, and the voun<» man who should have been tm-kettlcd but who wasn't has sent a grateful lettei ot thanks to His Worship * * * Extract fiom ship's ordei on a Poopei bound to South Africa — Complaints ha\mg been made to the captain b\ some passen^eis that oft.ce i& appeal on the piomenaile deck at » a.m in mjamas the oft tcm commanding tioops hopes that tins practice will cease and that ofrceis wiH appeal without o\ jamas ' Theie is a touust knocking about town at the piesent moment who, it his armoim is anything to go b\ . lias come out to kill everything with hide, haai, and teatheis on it m New Zealand, tie is a tiifle reticent about that day s pto-eon-shootiug he got up at Pannevnko a week since, though It appeals a fnend took him out pigeon shootine 'Hist'" said he. 'Where?' said the new chum closing his eves and cockina his fun Theie'" replied the settlei pointino to a bird on the low ci bianrh Fup ,\nd twenty cartridges brought that bud to the new chum's feet and he put it in his bag He was too tired to do an\ more gunning, and the-i went home There he told a vavn to the settleTs wife dangling that wondrous bndh\ the leg ' Why, George that's our old stuffed pigeon'" said that lady \nd Georoo l.mshed and owned up Me had nailed ' that bird to that bough , * • C unous idea some people have of what constitutes respect abil it v A papei in the fai South says that the man wlio while drunk stumbled mad vei tenth into a neighbours bedroom and f lightened the clnldien badh "w as a fughh respectable citi/en " On account of this wonderful respectabihtv the local beak" found the gentleman had done no harm and dismissed the eharoe of ' beina lllegallv found on premiscv ot< " Supposing the neighbour had had the temerity to 2ive that voumg man the largest-sized thumping he could manage would the "beak' have finer! him foi assault on so "respectable a pel son ° There is reason to believe that he would The New Zealand J.P. vision needs the attention of a competent oculist as much a« ever Masteiton hasn't got rats in bewildering confusion The borough has paid one shilling up to now in scalp money One small boy brought in a defunct lodent to the borough clerk, and asked for his threepence. The clerk suggested that he should hang on to the sohta.iv mbblev until he got a crop "But he s fermentm' now," said the eommeroialmmded child, "and if I brings 'im m again in a week's time you'll say I never lulled him meself " It is understood the Council will he summoned to pass the rat account In the meantime that boy intends embalming the precious rndent.

A sweet. \oung thing horn Palmei&ton went into a. well-known photogiaphei's ou Monday last, to he taken '- liei own \oung man paiticulaily wished it, six wild While the artist wasai 1 ane,mg his appaiatus, she suddenly leinaiked, I wish \oa wouldn't put that hi", oameia so close to me Don't sou want the photoguph cabinet si/e'-" he a.sked in a tone of suipi lse Yes, she ausweiod denuuely 'out — T don't want the freckles cabinet &i/;o " r L)ic \oice ot the dog collaiei isheaid in the land A citi/on of meek aspect, in a town not \ei> fai south of the Heads, was .summoned the other da\ to show cause w li\ he did not lenew his dogliccn.so He tued to interrupt the inspector who gave evidence, and the beak" closed on him with a vicious snap Do I understand you to mean that \ou iciu.se to icnew that license'^" asked the magistiate "Yos, Youi Woiship." Why?" lie thundered "Well, the dog's dead D'you w ant me to lonew him c " « * * Theieis a Wellington young man who is feeling extia mean since his fiancee ga\e him the cold shoulder. George is. in leoeipt of quite a small salary, but he is positively magnificent in his donations Lai,t Sunday, at church, he produced a sovereign (Saturday is pay-day) and didn't foiget to let his best gnl know that he intended to enrich the collection to that extent "Oh, don't George, you can't afford it," murmuied May. 'Oh, I always give a pound " said the large-hearted soul He duly diopped hus coin when the plate came round and May turned pale at the thought of the good red gold thus gone foi evei After service the parson made his usual announcements "The collection for to-day amounts to 16s 2\d We will now sing hymn 485" And that is why Gemao is still blessedh single and fools mean

A smart youngster came to light out To Aio way last nock. In school the teacher of his class was asking how non u ,i.s nist discovered. Most of fche voting shavers gave it up, but this particular one rose bravely to the emeigencv 'Please, sn," he obseived, "T he aid Pa say vosterdav the> smelt it " He ought to knou , because his Pa works at Cable's foundry. ♦ * * A Aoung lady bought a bouquet, A'ld thought she would gne it awuet To a veiv smart beau, Fm he leallv was scau Enchanting delightful and guet ■» * * Is married 01 single life tlie more pieferable p " w a 4a 4 - the subject that a debating socieU uiestled with in .m up - the - line town the othei night. Every bod's had a good deal to say about it, and a beardless youth, who is studying law, reckoned in an horn's speecli that marriage was a huge success The discussion was of an animated, if not acrimonious, nature, and visitors, who took no part in it, wondeied how the voting would go. There were forty people of mixed sexes there, and nineteen voted for marriage and twenty against it * * * It remained for the chairman who i& a meek little Wellington man, with a wealth of bald brow, to give a casting vote. One could see "No, it ain't a success" standing out in big beads upon the and brow aforesaid, and the little man w ngglecl uncomfortably. Suddenly, his eye became tiansfixed bv something- m the front seat It was- a. large female who has shone serenely in petticoat politics, and who has achieved mai)y miles of speeches. "I — cr — give 1m casting \ ote in favour of marnaee " blurted out the little man, with his hor-ror-stricken gaze glued on the iron female "It's a success," and the scream of laughter that rent the atmosphere showed that the people knew who w ore the bifurcated garments