Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume I, Issue 50, 15 June 1901, Page 12

Entre Nous

OUR demonstrations have begun. Possibly some citizens of the stolid sort may question this, but the eccentric behaviour of the Post Office clock just after two o'clock on Tuesday last ought to settle all doubts on that head. It is not by any means the only official who will manifest eccentric behaviour before the celebrations are over. By the way, uhat was the chief time-teller of the city supposed to be doing? Opinions are more than a bit mixed on that score. Some people v, ho do not lack imagination say it was trying desperately hard to give a sympathetic rendering of "God Save the King." Others hold quite, as strongly that the selection was purely impromptu. At any rate, does the secretary to the Postal Department happen, amongst his numerous qualifications, to possess a musical ear? If he does then for Heaven's sake let him get that post office chime put into some semblance of tune. At present, it is doing its best to kill the soul of melody in this community. * * * How touch mgly sad the case of those aspiring and enterprising people who rushed through the mud and the rain at the end oi last week to inscribe their names in the visitors' book at Government House l They were in a regular transport of joy. So gracious it seemed of Lord Ranfurly to place his book in the wstibule, and invite all and sundry to roll up an 9 enter their names, so that they niisrht not be overlooked when he came to issue the invites to hurry up and meet "the dear Dook" and "the darling Duchess." They didn't need pressing to enter their names. They stampeded to Government House from all parts of the city, and when Ranfurly gets back he will find that visitors' book of his a regular curio. It is worth its weight in gold now. * * * But what a cruel disillusionment for the people who entered their names to be told afterwards it was all a mistake. All a mistake, eh, after they have been and ordered or borrowed the necessary regalia for the big event. Why, it is really too bad. The daily papers must take a large share of the responsibility for the disappointment. They announced that the visitors book was there for the names of all who wanted invitations. And then, when the name-entering boom was at its height — several days after the event began — came this cold, cruel wire from the vice - regal private secretary at

'Auckland to say it was all a mistake — ■ that the visiting book had been, left open especially for strangers to Wellington, that the number of people to attend the reception was to be limited, and that it was quite incorrect to say that all who entered their names would be asked. Oh, the pity of it, lago, the pity of it. No wonder that red republican sentiments have been flying about in all sorts of unsuspected quarters ever since It takes a rare lot of fine old crusted monarchical principle to stand so severe a shock to one's feelings. * * « It seems quite certain that there is going to be an unprecedented^ big crowd in Wellington next week to see the Royal visitors. The hotels and public boarding-houses have had all their rooms and beds bespoken long ago, and the directors of several of our largest caravanseries have announced that they had space only for their regular patrons, who will be dropping in just about the time the Duke and Duchess are on the way. A long list has been compiled of private establishments where lodgings may be had on terms more or less reasonable, but even the whole of this accommodation will only afford shelter to some 2000 persons. The flocking of the people into Auckland last week, and the fact of many unlucky wights having to beg for lodgings from door to door is just an indication of what may be expected down here, where a much larger area may be said to be tapped by the coming show. • • • Rotorua has been playing such a leading hand m the entertainment of Royalty this week that one is tempted to revive that hoary old joke which Comedian J. L. Toole invented in connection with his visit there. He induced a local photographer to "fake" a picture for him showing his own venerable figure bathing amongst a crowd of Maoris in an open hot water bath. Of course, it excited the greatest curiosity at Home, and the fun became quite hilarious in the English press when the news went forth that the inimitable and patriarchal Toole in that warm bath had exclaimed to the comely waihine next to him in the picture, "Tell me, Maori, how to woo thee?" # * * A good story is told by one of the German officers who fought among the foreign mercenaries on the side of the Boers. "When I was captured," he writes, "an English colonel, who was rather haughty asked me which English general I thought the best, whereupon I instantly answered Tommy Atkins.' Now they were looking at me very much astonished, not knowing what I meant to say by it, and I had to explain to them the Boers fear nobody else as they do the English infantry. For, in spite of the great mistake the English generals so often made, Tommy Atkins is always going on bravely, and doesn't care if hundreds of his fellowsoldiers are killed in the action. The English officers are also good, brave fellows."

Many colonials have been talking largely about a baronetcy which they say i 9 awaiting Richard of Kumara. It does not seem to be known that no baronetcy is ever conferred upon a subject unless it can be proved that sufficient provision will be made by the "created" one for the up-keep of the title and dignity of the position by his son. The late Queen's invariable requirement from a baronet was that he should have a capital sum of £100,000, equal to an income of £4000 per annum. Now, in view of the oft-repeat-ed statement that Premier Seddon is a poor man, where does the baronetcy come in? * # * With a solemnity befitting the occasion, an individual rose at Mr. W. W. Collins's meeting, with his constituents in Christchurch, last week, and asked . " Would you be in favour of carrying the women's franchise to its logical conclusion by giving women the right to sit in the House, or" and there was an effective pause — "do you think there are enough old there already?" When the laughter, in which the M.H.R. himself joined, had subsided, the member, with deep emotion in his voice, undertook to give the matter his most careful attention when it came before Parliament.

They were two city sparks, and were walking down the Quay after the earthquake last week. "'That shock this morning stopped our office clock/ remarked one Johnny. "Oh, that's nothing , it stopped my credit," was the rejoinder. "I was tapping old What's-his-name, the tailor, for another suit when the earthquake came along, frightened the life out of him, and he said, in an angry tone of voice, "No, I'm hanged if I'll give you any more tick." "Well, he would be a luna-tick if he did," was the answer, but the other did not see it. * * * Dear Lance. — Have you noticed that the Railway Department is "cooming" out strong in preparations tor the Royal visit P Already quite a baker's dozen of bean sticks, to which the guards will gracefully cling as scarlet runners, adorn the site of the new building. A huge four-post-bedstead, with curtains complete, rears aloft its noble proportions for the reception of H.R.H. and the usual quantity of railway sleepers. Sundry ancient buffers of great account will "ward" off the plebeian herd. A "troupe" of cadets will blow the "fife," and a party of great "weight" will beat the drums. The foundation stone is designed in the fashionable Ronaynesque style, and the (w)hole has been carefully overlooked by the slavey boss or general manager. The tout ensemble is intended to symbolise a colonial (k)nigh's dream. — Yours, A Mere Bogie. * # # Disenchantment . I looked upon her lithographs ; How heavenly did she seem! Until the show came into town I walked as in a dream ! I went the first night to the play, And saw herl Do you know That they made splendid lithographs Some forty years ago? * * # She is a ponderous piece of humanity, and is frequently to be seen on the tram cars travelling Newtownwards, and is the dread of all Slim Jims. He is young, tailor-made, spick-and-span, supercilious, and vain. Of course, he did not know the old dame, but she didn't mind his ignorance one bit, as the other afternoon she dropped with all the confidence of 16st of weariness into a space next to him into which a child would have had a misgiving as to the fitness of things comfortable! He practically disappeared from view, and even the guard overlooked him when collecting fares. All at once the dowager became aware of the half-buried little masher, and beaming upon him out of the fulness of her countenance, she cried out — "Sonny, I'm afeerd I'm squashing you!" He wriggled out. and stood on the back of the car for the rest of the journey. * • • Here is some news for the local stamp collectors. The new British postage stamps, on which the King's head will appear, are not to be issued until the wlbole of the Victorian issue has been disposed of. This is by reason of the fact that many millions of the latter are still held by the post office. Speculators in Victorian stamps should by the lOd labels, which are rarely used. Unused Victorian red penny stamps have gone up to 7s, Bs, and 10s apiece. Black specimens are practically not to be got at a reasonable price.

Up in Auckland they do not seem to have been quite so docile and submissive about roping-off the streets as the poor, perplexed, and tired civic fathers of Wellington. When the Reception Committee in the Northern capital received an instruction from the Government that the streets on the line of route must be roped-off, "by command," the secretary tranquilly said he did not know what "by command" meant. And the upshot of it all was that the Reception Committee put their backs up, refused pointblank to do any roping-off, and left the Government to carry out that contract if they had any bigoted opinions on the subject. ¥■ * * A neat point was scored when the Teachers' Salaries Commission was sitting on the West Coast. # A teacher was giving evidence upon the poor emoluments given to the staff, when Mr. Gilfedder; the member for Wallace, asked him if he ever knew a teacher give up his appointment to go into any other occupation. The dominie considered, and said, in all seriousness, that he had heard of teachers giving up what might be reckoned good appointments to become sharebrokers, and a few individuals had done so to even become Ms.H.R. Mr. Gilfedder, who was a dominie himself a few years ago until he won a seat in the! House, did not push that inquiry any further. * « ♦ Arthur Clampett, alias Sullivan, the converted pugilist, and religious quack, about whom Christchurch went almost crazy many years ago, appears to be still on his travels. A Christchurch citizen, who has just returned from a visit to the Old Country, reckons that he met him among the third-class passengers of the steamer that conveyed him from Liverpool to New York. Clampett on this occasion gave out that he was Santley, the celebrated English baritone. * • * It was an extremely quiet wedding. There was no fuss whatever about it , no publication of elaborate details in the daily press— no description of the beautiful bride's dress , what the bridesmaids were arrayed in ; and what presents the bridegroom doled out to the ladies concerned. It was simply an unpretentious affair, got off when nobody was looking. Well, the bridegroom arrived with the best man in a cab, and, entering the church, sent the vehicle to the house of his bride to bring her along. * * *■ But cabby seems to have misunderstood his instructions, because he didn't budge an inch. Time passed, and, as the lady did not appear, the occupants ot the church began to fidget, and get anxious. After a lapse of about threequarters of an hour the parson yawned wearily, and the bridegroom went to the door to see if there was any sign of the fair truant. His astonishment when he saw the cabman standing smoking outside may well be imagined. korne sharp words ensued, and the Jehu bustled off at a hand-gallop for the bride, who had been fretting and fuming, and wondering if the ceremony was not going to come off after all. But all came rignt in the end.

A frowsy individual, of forbidding aspect, with shaggy mane and a beard like a broom, struck a local bookshop the other day, and commenced pricing things. Starting on the illustrated newspapers, he ordered the attendant to lay a lot aside, and then passed in to the yellow-back section. He picked his volumes with fine discrimination, but when he had set aside about three dozen, the counter-hand began to look, believing that he had an escaped lunatic to deal with. "It's all right, mate," remarked Bushy , "I can pay for 'em." And, after selecting another dozen, he said, "Now, what price that lot?" The bill was made up, and promptly settled. "You think I'm going to start a library, perhaps? Well, I ain't, but I've been many long weary months outback, and the only things I had to read the whole time were old letters or the foreign lingo on sardine tins, so I swore that the first time I struck Wellington I'd lay in a stock of readables, and now I'm happy." The coolest act of the cool season was perpetrated in Wellington one afternoon last week. A well-dressed individual, of the w indow-chiselling profession, entered a dwelling after the occupants had meandered out on a shopping expedition, and he got a few nice bundles of the choicest and easily removable kind together, when the lady of the house unexpectedly returned. He had his wares packed close to the door, and when the lady opened it she was naturally surprised. Indignantly demanding what he was doing on her premises, and with her goods, the thief responded with great politeness, and humbly apologised for the intrusion. He said he had been sent to pack up the things in the house preparatory to their removal to another location, but it was very evident that he had mistaken the house or the street. Then, politely lifting his hat, he walked quickly away, and the lady was so speechless with astonishment that she did not call for help until the cool intruder got clear away. • * * It is stated that Mr. Charles Hudson, who is leaving the New Zealand railway service, to assume command of the Tasmanian railways, was highly recommended. A Melbourne paper says he held references from Premier Seddon, the Minister of Railways, and the Chief Justice, Sir Robert Stout. There were thirty-three applicants for the position. ♦ * * His friends never even suspected it. A rather conceited young warehouseman in this city, who is always most stylishly dressed, and who possesses a somewhat dainty figure, fainted while at work the other day, and steps were at once taken to bring him round. It was known that he occasionally suffered from heart attacks, but he had never completely collapsed before. When they opened out his clothing they were astonished to find that the young dandy was wearing — a corset, and one of the firm's best at that ' No wonder he complained of "heart." It would be interesting to know how many of the stylish young sparks who daily walk "the block" are encased in their own or their sister's corsets.

The Ratepayers' Asociation is not the only moribund body in. our city which set out with many loud speeches, and is slowly dying out in back rooms of dark-staircased buildings. We are told, on the authority of a reliable press, that at last week's meeting of the Progressive Municipal Association only nine members were present. Well, the two bodies named above, which came into being with the avowed intention of righting the wrongs of the city cannot be jealous of each other, for it seems to be the fate of both to display the symptoms of rapid decay. * » * But where are now the former active spirits of the P.M. A. ? Surely, they are not extinct volcanoes already I Where is John Hutcheson, M.H.R.,the king-maker, and William Allan, the mayor-maker and their warm and ardent fellow-reformers and true patriots of the recent elections? Councillor McLaren was in the chair last week, just to show that he has not yet gone the way of all flesh. Still, if our memory does not play us false, outspoken "Mac" declared to the burgesses in every speech he made during the elections that he was of no party and no clique, but was the most free and independent candidate in the lists. In that case the P.M. A. should know him no more. * * # An unusual incident occurred last week at an up-country wedding. The lovely bride, who had just plighted her troth at the altar, was seen to be weeping when she turned to leave the church. Whether her mind contemplated the last portion of the marriage phrase, "for better or worse," or whether she was grieving over the showers of rice that awaited her outside, is not known, but, at any rate, she wept. * * * A country hotelkeeper, who is credited with unusual smartness, has been kicking himself with much violence for allowing himself to be "had" by through allowing himself to be "had" by a very old trick. An immaculatelydressed individual, who sported a massive cable chain, which looked like linked sausages of precious metal, happened along to his hotel to dinner, and, after a game of billiards, he whispered in mine host's capacious ear that he had two cases of Hennessey's brandy over at the railway station, which he wfluld let him have for £3 ss. The publican's eyes fairly danced with joy, and, with a knowing wink, he Jed the stranger to the office, and paid him the money. The vendor then went to the station, sent the cases over by an express, and left by next train. The bottles contained weak cold tea — a drink said to be much favoured by prohibitionists. * • • In spite of all disclaimers, people continue to pour in their gifts upon the Duke. If they keep on piling up at their present rate, he will probably have to hire a fleet to convey his presentations home. The latest freak in presentations is said to be a butter-box, containing 561bs of the standard quality butter of a certain company. Next, please.

; A winsome, well-frocked lady stepped into a city office the other day, and, 1 with her face wreathed in smiles, set' ; down a little subscription list in front of the gentleman who runs the show, and requested a donation. But, as his principal clients for months past had been collectors for one object or another, he demurred. The persuasive bazaar-lik© wiles of the lady, however, extracted half-a-crown from him. and, as he handed the com over, he suddenly gave her a hasty kiss. Blushing furiously, she stepped back, and, throwing the coin with all her force, hit him in the eye. Then, she departed, in high dudgeon, declaring that she would tell her husband when he returned from the South. If she keeps her word, that meeting ought to prove highly interesting. * * • The other day, at the S.M. Court, Mr. J. Kays J.P., in sentencing a prisoner, remarked from 'the bench that once a man entered the prison-door his career as a respectable citizen is for ever closed. Same day, at Auckland, Judge Conolly sent a young girl to prison with the cheerful observation that probably three months would be her salvation. And so experience in social science trips airily along. * • • In view of the large and miscellaneous stock of strangers who will descend upon the city between this and next week, the Lance would advise householders to see carefully to the looking up of their homes before leaving to spend the day in the city. Do not leave the doorkey in the usual place, under the mat (or beneath the folded sacking) at the backdoor, or on the old rusty nail out in the wash-house. Find a new hidingplace r or take the key with you. But the safest thin°" to do, if you value your possessions, is to stay at home and let the baby go out to see the Duke. Ladies also had better carry a set of fish-hooks in their wide-open pockets — or leave their purses at home. After all, there will be no place like home next week! * * * There are some ladies in this city who have got far beyond the dainty cigarette. A bright-looking lad decked out in a sailor's suit, entered a tobacconists shop the other day, and asked to see some cheap pipes — "very tiny ones." "What kind does your father like, sonny?" asked the shopman. "It's not for father at all; it's for mother," responded the lad, as he commenced fingering the contents of a card-board box placed before him for examination. * » • A laughable fact comes from the South. There has been a deal of thieving going on in a South Canterbury farm ing district ot late, and everything liftable has been lifted, from bikes to blankets. A traveller, passing through the district last week, was out early one morning, and he actually saw a double-furrow plough lying in a paddock with a padlocked chain passed through three of its wheels! That careful farmer was determined that Burglar Bill should not "lift" his machine, at any rate- * * * A strange incident, with a comical element is recorded down South. One day recently a stalwart blacksmith was plying his trade at a wayside station, when suddenly the engine of a train whistled out. Just as suddenly the smith dropped his hammer, rushed across the road as the train went by, jumped aboard an empty truck, and began bleating like a sheep. When the train stopped at the next station, the son of Cyclops was asked what was his little game. He broke-up a curious group by replying, in all seriousness "I'm a fat sheep going to the Addington yards!" He was taken on to Chnstchurch, medically examined, and found to be non compos mentis. One of those amusing little incidents that are always cropping up in the O.A.P. Court occurred last week. The applicant, a good old veteran, said he was just over sixty-five, had been so many years in New Zealand, was of good repute, wasn't worth a cent, and all the rest. The S.M. said he was delighted to see a man who so exactly filled the bill, but, unfortunately, there was a clause in the Act which made it necessary that these statements should be endorsed. Did the applicant know of any person who could endorse them? "Oh, yes, three on 'em," holding up three fingers by way of emphasis. "Well, let us have them." The veteran made a move, as if to go in search, but ere he was out of the box something jogged his memory, and he came back. The S.M. • "Well?" Applicant • " 'They're a'l dead, sir, Case adjourned— till day of resurrection. Whoever 'tis that is to blame, The Chow has lots of cause to wail. For in this pleasant little game He loses both his head and "tael. This is the phrase the Powers use "John, heads we win and "tads you lose I"