WISE AND OTHERWISE

Northland Age, Volume 25, Issue 30, 13 November 1925, Page 4

WISE AND OTHERWISE

AN EDITOR’S LAMENT Savs an exchange: The editor uas been busily engaged during ihe p. - week making up his income tax reiu*., md per medium of a diary he has been able to keep track of the profit and losses on his business during the twelve months ended June 30 last. A close scrutiny of the pages revealed the following figures— Cash on hand at the beginning of the year, 6/-; been broke 361 times; praised by the public 89 times; tolcfiies about different people 720 times; missed prayer meetings 1 52 times; been “roasted” 431 times; “roa- J sted” others 52 times; mistaken for a cap- \ italist 0 times; mistaken for a minister 11 1 times; couldn’t afford to shout, 365 times; cash on hand June 30 last, 7 1 / 2 d. NOT BUSINESS AT ALL Two farmers met on their way to church, and one said: “Mon, I was wonderin’ what ye will be askin’ for yon bit sheep ?” “I was thinkin’ I wad be wanting fifty shillings,” replied the other. “I’ll take it at that,” said the first, “but ; I’m awfu’ surprised at you doin’ business on the Sawbeth ” “Business 1” exclaimed the other, “Sellin a sheep like that for fifty shillings isn’ business: it’s charity.” Benjamin Bosky reached home at one o’clock on Sunday morning after a convivial evening with his pals. All was dark and silent; but ere he retired to his virtuous couch Ben resolved to have a final “whiff.” There were plenty of smokes in his case but no match could lie find. Finally it occurred to him that possibly the fire in he k itchen was not quite out, and, “shedding” his bools he crept noiselessly downstairs. Out of the gloom shone two glowing i embers, and roiling up a spill of paper. I Bosky vigorously poked it into one ol them. There was a splutter and a shriek and , another splutter. And if you wish to I keep in Bosky’s good graces, don’t refer : to the six long scratches across his face. I He had stuck that paper spill into the ! tom-cat’s eye!

RATS I j “Did I ever tell yer the tale, sir o’ the j rats on the Mary Ann? ’Ow we salted j their tails to catch ’em, and slaughtered j ’em to a man, all except one hoary varra- ! int, a wily old bundle of craft, who when ! ’e ’ad dodged us neatly, put his paw to ’is | nose and laughed ( “But one day we trapped him nicely,and ail of us crowded round, Did ’e give up the game, d’ye say sir ? Not a bit of it, you be bound. No ’e jumped on the deck-rail, blow me, and, taking a mighty leap, ’e landed on top of a seagull wot was swimmin’ the vasty deep. . They fought for a moment gamely, but I the rat ’e was at her throat, and when ’e j ’ad killed ’er guv’nor ’e turned ’er into a ! boat. Yes, ’e lifted ’er right wing quickly ! as a sail for to catch the breeze, and rowed with the left to the shore, —thank’ee sir. A shillin’ be very handy nowadays.” In the controversy upon the mysterious wireless tapping recorded by the Marconi experts, no mention has been made by the cableman of the opinion of the famous Irish wit, George Bernard Shaw. This I opinion of his, expressed years ago upon i nothing in particular is extremely apropos i to-day: “The longer I live the more I am I inclined to the belief that this earth is ! used by other planets as a lunatic asylu m.’ j Some of these “help wanted” advertisements in the daily press have a boomerang tendency. A lady advertised for a charwoman the other day and has received the following reply:—“l see you require a ’clean and respectable person (sex not stated) for daily housework, and would like to offer my services—but unfortunately, the notice does not state whether or no the advertiser is a clean and respec- | table person. | An old man and woman were drawing near the twenty-lilh anniversary of their wedding day. “James,” said Martha, “it be our silver ! wedding next Tuesday. We ought to | mark the occasion Shall we kill the i pig ? I “Kill the pig ? Wol’s the good o’ murI derin a hinnocent pig for what happened | twenty-five years ago ? Mrs. Gadabout—“ Are you still being j bothered with that awful Boresum family j coming to dine with you every few' evenings ? Mrs. Gabalot—“Oh, no’ they finally : took the hint.,’ I Mrs. Gadabout—What did you say to 1 them ? | Mrs. Gabalot—“Oh nothing was said, but we served sponge cake each time they 1 came. SPELL IT "Spell your name!” said the court clerk sharply. The witness began: “O, double T, I, double U, E, double L, double ” “Wait 1” ordered the clerk: "begin again.” The witness replied . “O, double T, I, double U, E, double L, double U, double O .” “Your Honour,” roared the elerk,“l beg ; that this man be committed for contempt ! of court.” “What is your name j” asked the judge “My name, your honour, is Ot iwell | Wood, and I spell it O, double T, 1, i double U, E, double L. double U, ooubie O, D.”