FARMER BROWN AS DICTATOR

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume LXVI, 19 April 1934, Page 9

FARMER BROWN AS DICTATOR

(To the Editor)

Sir, —“Coves what wear big hats like us,” I says to Bill Jones and Jim Huggins, when tliov come over last night, “are not the happiest men on the face of the earth, because we’ve got enough brains to know what a lot of tools there arc ill the .world and what a whale of a mess they make of everything. And when a-cove has got brains he realises how hopeless it is to try to educate harii door fowls. . He at last becomes sour and hard. It affects women different. The more kicks they get the more soft-hearted they are. 1 remember once my sister, what has had more worry than I have, said to me, T am surprised, Tom, that you, with all the hardships you lujve ' gone through, haven’t got more tolerant and sympathetic.’ I says, 'Veil Jane, it’s like this ; iiot*water will soften a turnip and harden a egg. You are the turnip and 1 am the egg.' ” Bill says, “You was going to tell us to-night what you would-do if you was dictator.” “Oil yes,” I says, “well for a- start off I would-clean up the town of dogs. I like dogs as well as anybody, but 1 like them in their place and that is on a farm where thgyjiave some work to do. You often hear about the dog being such a noble and faithful animal; but nobody ever tells the whole truth about them and that is that they are mighty dirty animals. What a dog won’t eat- and roll in isn’t worth mentioning, and with all their other dirty habits the town is not a good place for them. The next thing 1 would do if I was dictator would be to sterilise the unfit. I would also have tho Radio Board crowd well examined. If all the diseased and the ones’ with strong backs and weak heads, and with strong heads and weak backs was sterilised, that would solve the over-population problem. There wouldn’t be too many left to multiply from. What sort of a herd of cows would we have if we didn't bred from the best? Talking about cows, it reminds mo about Dave going up to Dad and saving, ‘The new calf is n heifer, Dad.’ Dad said,. ‘By heck, it would have been a fair cow if it had been a hull, wouldn’t it?' Well, then I would send all the women home and let the men attend to the offices, shops and factories. The women was meant to attend to the home. It’s all very fino tho women doing all these jobs while the young fellows are on tjie dole or in camps. When the war was on, the young chaps was sent white feathers if they didn’t go and fight for the women, and f/hile they was away, doing tho fighting, the girls collared their jobs: The girls would have kicked up a- fine shine if a white feather had been sent to them for doing their brothers for their jobs. The women what have got brains enough to hold responsible jobs are just j

Ihe ones what should he mothers. Next. I would abolish interest on money. I would pay back all the principal what was owing and stop borrowing and pay everything out of revenue. These coves what say that a country could uot prosper without' interest must have something wrong with their cranium vaults. If tho currency cranks only knew it. it is interest what has caused the crisis to day. I would g : \e all the Jews vot haf lived on the indr.rest, n long handle shovel each. Thov. would have to slog in too, they would have a lot of back

time to make up. Our monetary system, as a medium of exchange, is just about perfect. Tt's the usury caper what has floored us. Shakespeare was a wise old bird when he said, ‘Neither a lender nor a borrower be.' And what applies to the individual applies to the Nation. The land question is too big to deal with to-night; but I would stop the. sale of land, quick and busy. The idea of people selling and speculating in land what the people relv on to he able to live ! These coves what speculate on land would bottle up the air and fence off the ocean if they could. Any mug knows von can’t put a -fair price on land. Suppose for. a few years butter fat brings two bob. a pound and you bnv land on that- basis. .Then the price goes down to. fivepeimr. .Then you . are knocked into a. cocked hat. And that’s what is the matter with half of the cockies to-da.V- ■ They are bankrupt.-And ‘lien Gordon, and George .try to, save the ■mortgagee bv bringing in that twentyfive per cent, -exchange humbug instead of v riting off .the value of the land and dono with it. You know,” I says, “the hard times we are having now is wlint I call ‘the adjustment.’ We always have a slump after a boom.” Bill says. “It’s the next morning after a drunk.” T says “Eggsactly ! That’s i good’ur Bill. . Well, the next thing I would have would be a sport moratorium, until the country got a hit straightened-up. -Then the people could have' as much healthy sport as they earned.” - “Olj,” I says to Jim,, “didn’t youpg Jack' and big girl go for a ride with Kingsford Smith? And isn’t Jackout of work? Now. y. ho paid for that?” Boor old Jim did sad grin. “I know,” I says. “Jack’s got'u very kind mot tier. But that means two quid of your bard canted money gone for a quarter of a hour in the atmosphere. The -day Kingsfr-rd Smith was ’ here anybody could tell there was a depression on. People what' ape head over heels in debt have to have’a quid’s worth of fresh air now and again to cheer them up. I haven’t got much more time to tell you what I would do if I was dictator, but I would cut out brtozc, smckuig and gambling right away I would shut up all fhcJollie shops and only, allow good healthy Turkey to be sold, so as to give pur youngsters good .healthy- stomachs and teeth for,a start. AH the wasters what- desert their wives, apd children I would put on ii productive island and make thorn produce enough to keep tli.eir families. I would cut out all this' tinm payment and tick. If people couldn't afford what they wanted tlicy would have to go without until they could. There is too many .mfforing with wuntitis in this country ' People woulrln t have to pay to get sick and die. The State would pay the undertaker; and the doctors would bo paid to keep people'well, not to give them drugs to make them sicker. After I' had been dictator for a few years most doctors and nurses would be out of a job. All the people with disease would have to go on the island with the coves what wouldn’t keep their wives. These are only a few of the things I would do if I was dictator. I can tell you. just quietly I would soon clean things up. “Oh” I’says to Bill, “.just chuck Thursday week’s [paper along. There s some’ questions Pfonsc wants me to answer. First lie wants to know what makes interest. One word will answer that, ‘Labour.’ Next he wants mg to .-.(.lid along to the pa pci that Rush worth and [Fizzle affair. ■ Well that s done, a column ann ihrcc : quarters it. Noxt he wants to know if I don’t want a just price for the fanners. Iho answer is ‘yes.’ But how in the doost are you going to arrive at it. What’s a just price for a pound of bullor. —half a crown or l’ourpeiice.? Last lie wants to know if this world was made for man or money. Neither. It was really made for fish. There’s three times more water Ilian land That's , the way to polish them off.” I says, “we can’t go in for a long discussion on currency far threo good reasons. First, there’s \'° r-inl to ii. Second. Nobody wants it. Third, nobody understands it.” Jim says, “You always hit the head on.the nail too slick for them Brown.” I says ‘E irrf sa r tlv.'* —1 am. etc. FARMER BROWN. Nelson, 17- 1 April.