INTERROGATORIES

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume LVI, 15 June 1925, Page 5

INTERROGATORIES

WHAT I TOLD THE DOCTOR

(By Parens Perpetiens, in Melbourne Argus). One day this week my son brought home from school a pink card which he informed me I had to fill in, It sought to know, for the information of the departmental medical officer, the medical history of my son front his babyhood until the present dayY also that of his forebears back to the Neolothic age. It explained that the object of the questionnaire was to ascertain whether tho child was able to gain full benefit from his attendance at school. In my school days there was none of this medical inspection business —they placed greatfaith in the laying on of hands. But I I am willing to try anything once, from haggis to Shintoism, and so I am not only filling in my own card, but am affording other parents an idea of how to give the required information conscientiously.

“Occupation of parents.” Father, a philosopher, a class of men not appreciated as they should be. Mother, a. philosopher’s wife, one of- the most thankless jobs in the whole industrial category. “Place of child in family.” To be seen and not heard; to Be docile, obedient, polite, and helpful. But, unfortunately, he never keeps l>is place. “Birthplace of parents and grandparents of the child.” His mother’s —Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, or . Maryland; in bursts of song she blames each in turn. Mine, Merrie England. Grandparents, various parts of the habitable globe. “Has the child suffered from measles, German measles, scarlet fever, mumps,” etc., etc. No; he’s 1 " had them all, but did no't>" suffer from them; on the contrary lie derived keen enjoyment from them. “Sleep-walking, snoring, sleep-talking, teeth grinding.” No, none of them ; but I will hold a special vigil to try to detect any nocturnal knife-grinding or scissor-grind-ing. “Time of going to bed and rising.” In each ease when parents' patience is exhausted.

‘‘.What work does< lie do apart from school work?” Nil; as every parent knows. When weeds flourish in the garden lie has a trick of rendering himself invisible, and when wood has . to he chopped lie has excruciating pains in both arms. “Does he suffer from headaches? A| what time of day?” Atany time of day he is asked to go a message. Football does not affect it in the slightest, however. "Is the appetite good and regular?” Yes. a thousand times yes. Punctuality at the meal table is his strong suit. "Have you noticed anything else that is unsatisfactory?” Yes; he can wear out a pair of boots in ten minutes, and his clothing will always be in need of repair until wrought-iron pants are invented. There are other things, too; but that will suffice.

"Family history, etc.” Well, that ooeiis iiD a wide field : but- I will try to give a brief outline of our ancient race. Our beginnings go back to the mists of antiquity. There is a family tradition that a remote ancestress painted her bodv with woad, and was, in fact, one of the original Blue. Rolls of Scotland : but that is apocryphal. Our history proper (occasionally improper) begins in the year of scant grace 1066. We did not exactly come over with the Conqueror; we came over to the Conqueror when things were going rather badly with the .Conqueree, and lived happily ever after. One of our ancestors drew the long how at- Crecy and Poietiers, and his descendants have drawn it regularly since. We came unscathed through the troublous times of the Inquisition, a period when the authorities asked the most . awkward questions, not at all like the polite and pertinent interrogatories of departmental doctors of the present day. About the time of the battle of Nasebv one of our family—hut better not. perhaps, if the department does not mind. It. is a painful memory, and in any case other men also had their ears cut off for trifling peccadilos in those days.

The rest lias been uneventful. The golden rule has ever been cur guide. We hav always done people as we would ho done by them if we did not get in first. Coming to the present day, I have not paid my Federal income tax, and don't intend to. Sue, that- is our eldest—she has a half-shingle, has never had German measles or Belgium whooping cough, and never grinds her teeth unless she’s angry—has a young man calling on her now. She hasn’t said anything definite yet, hut Sue’s begun a glorv-box—just a few things, you know. If there’s anything Thore 'the department would like to know I should he only too pleased.