WIT AND HUMOUR.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XLVI, Issue XLVI, 21 October 1911, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

HE TOOK IT CALMLY,

His great hobby was: lyiaig. in bed. For weeks together he would never rise from fits downy nest. One day, however, his landlady was surprised to see him—garbed in a heavy dressing ,<rowa, with the collar turned' up-—walk slowly into the dining room,, and, in a half-dazed, half-sleepy fashion, fill a. glass of water, and carry it carefully upstairs. . FiV-3 minutes later he returned again and re-' peated the performance. Still the landlady made no comment, for, when engaging his rooms, hs had reouested that should not be spoken, to because the noi> - e of the huiman. voice was apt to disturb the train of. his thoughts. However, when a few <. minutes later, he returned once more, she felit constrained co ask him why he was'indulging in this fit of energy, for, like the soul she was, slhe feared he might be ill-r-and rndght diie, in which case she woutld lose a. good : paying lodger. Landladies are 'always disinterested.. "What isi the matter, sir? You're not ill, I hope?" she asked, as, with eyee ha If-closed, and walking as slowly as- the chiof motinner at a funeral, he filkd the -glass for the third time and. turned to leave the room.

"i.o!" and. he yawned sleejply. "No, t'm not ill: but my bedroom;-is on fire —that's all!" i ■' . .. WIT OF. THE'WAITER. The waiters whja infest tGie cheap: nati.r.glhcuses. of New Y° r k, . and bawl cheir orders'in a stentorian voice to the ?ook in the kitchen, vary the monotony n their own existence, and alleviate the ce-nditiione under which the customers muni eat,-bv means of an ingenious and \-miusing giit of paraphrase.- A NewYork paper has .been collecting some of .here restaurant cries.^ "Mutton broth in .a htir.ry." rays a. customer. , in the rain ! —Jake him run !" shouts the waiter.''"' "Beaksteak and cnions," says a, customer. "John- Bull!, .. MaJve. hilm a Guinea!" shouts- the waiter. '■ '

"Where's my baked potato?" ask.*; a customer.. "Mrs ; .M'uiiphy in--a sealskin. ooat!'"'... shouts the waiter.

'"Two fried eggs; don't fry 'em too hard," says-, a customer. "Adam and Ev e in the garden! Leave their eyes open!" shouts the waiter. cf~" Poached eggs and toast," "says' a customer. "Bride and groom; on a raft!" shouitfe the .waiter. "Chicken croquettes," says a, customer. ''Fowl ball!" shouts the waiter. - "Hash," 1 says a customer.' "Gentleman wants to take, a chance !" shouts the waiter. ''J'll have ha^ih.' too," savs the next customer. : "Another sport!" shouts the waiter. .. "Giass of milk," says a cutst'omer. ' Let it rain!", siliouits the? waiter. ';.•-."-' "Fra.nkfurtera and sauei-graut. mrod and hot,'-' says a customer. "Fido, Shno and a buJe of rpy," shouts the waiter j "and lot "em sizzle!"