HANDICAPPED A BURGLAR.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XXVII, Issue 125, 29 May 1893, Page 4

HANDICAPPED A BURGLAR.

He was obviously not a respectable person : but there was a redeeming trace of humour in his face and a frankness in his conversation which almost disarmed criticism.

He might very well have asked me for a iill of tobacco (we were fellow - travellers in a third - class carriage), without telling me that he had not smoked a pipe for eighteen months ; still less necessary was it to add that Le considered h.smself uncommonly (though tlr.it was not his word) lucky that the period of abstinence had not been five years.

In face of such candour I felt it no presumption to inquire in a friendly tone how he and the laws of his country had managed to fa out.

Pulling luxuriously at his pipe he looked at me for a moment, decided apparently that I was a man who could appreciate a reminiscence, slapped his thigh, and with, a chuckle began his story. I reproduce it with such sacrfiices of language as decorum extorts from picturesqueness. ' I'll tell yon, sir, 'cos you're a gentleman. 'Me and my mate got wind of a very touchin' little occurrence as 'ad took place at a crib they called Minervy 'Ouse. he young ladies as got their learning there took and gave the missus a 'luminated address and a 'handsome silver salver on the occasion when the old woman had bin teachin 1 of 'em five-and-twenty year.

1 It were a real 'andsome salver, and me and Bill saw it in the shop winder before it went up to the 'ouse. Well, sir, me and Bill had bin working hard for fiv^-and-twenty year, t O o— mighty 'ard some cf it on 'er Majesty's 'lowance o : grub— and we thought we 'ad as good a right to that salver as the missus. '^he could 'aye the address and We'd call it square. So one dark night we packed up the tools and started for Minervy 'Ouse. We knowed about where the plate was kep' ; it lay in a chest in the old lady's room cm the second floor, and wo knowed about where a ladder was. too, and we reckoned •we could persuade the old lady to lay quiet. " Ere's luck : we don't want no ladder ; they got the fire escape up agin the wall, and, jedge me, if it ain't slap by the missus' winder ! ' You may guess, sir, as we said grace, for letting the ladder hout •was the ticklish bis, on account of the gardner sleeping 'andy to it. • " Lord ! it is easy as drinkin'," says I, so we 'adn't much fear of the job goin' wrong. Well — trouble yon for another fill, sir— when we come over the wall and got near the 'ouse, Bill 'c says : "Up we goes and there we are !" 'Up we went, sir— l fust and Bill follering. The escape was beautiful going, and o' course no one could spot us, but I told Bill to stand near the bottom and give me a shout if any one came round. 'Well, then, up I #oes, sir, soft and sni-'?, and soon I was a-standin' with my 'cad just out of the escape, and not'three feet below the winder, I 'adn't, made a sound, sir — swelp me, I 'adn't, and it was all goin' beautiful. Things was so quiet that I 'ailed Bill and told him to come up and to bring the sack for the stuff, and lie come up and we waited arf a minute and 'card nothink.

4 " Now 'ist me up, old man " says I. " and I'll do the" trick." Bill was just a-puttin' his shoulder under my leg to 'ist me when, all on a suddent, the shindy begun-

' A bell rung, their was shrieks of " Fire ! lire !" tli3n a lot of runnin' about and a bit o' langhin' and screechin', and then the escape begun to move. You may suppose, sir, as we wasn,t over and k above pleased. We got down into the escape and lay still, sir, and the old thing moved like winkin' ' Some one down below says, " Lor', Millie, ain't it heavy ? " But •we travelled, sir, all the same. Presently we stopped, and I says to Bill: ' " Can we cleat ? " 4 " Not it," says 'c : " there's a crowd on 'em down below." ' " Curse the fire," says I ; " Can ye see it ? " ' " No," says Bill ; " blamed if—" ' Jest at that minute, sir, we 'card a winder open ; and thump ! some teing soft came tumblin' down on me, driving my 'cad into my shoulders and my feet into Bill's mouth. You should 'aye 'card Bill ! Then the soft thing giv' a awful screech, and, thump ! come another and my 'cad come further into my neck and my toes go further down old Bill's throat. : ' Thump came another and then j another : and that started us, and we all bundled oil' to the bottom of the escape like a Hash o' lightning — Bill at the bottom, me next, and the rest of 'em— they were gals, sir — screamin', and 'ollerin', and gigglin' like mad. ' Then when we touched bottom, first thing I knew was someone aturnin' the garden "ose full on me, while a fat old girl shouted out, " Now, then, Rule 13 — use the 'ose freely ! " ' They did use it, sir : soon as ever I tried to sing out I got a gallon druv' into me, sixteen horse power, and took down more water than ever 1 did afore.

' Last, the old gal with the book — 'er was shoutin' '■ Iviile Y,\ " — twigged me and Bill, and then the fun beiian over again.

' 'Way went the book and llule J3 ; 'way went all the gals as 'ad come down with us in the escape — and there was above a dozen sir, I'll take my oath ; and they stopped singinsr out " Fire ! " and began to 'oiler 'Thieves ! Murder ! '

'Then I says to Bill :" Time we moved, eh, Bill '-. ' But Bill, 5 e groaned and damned me for breakin' his teeth, and lay still, wringin' out his clothes ; and afore he come to k imself the gardener was sittin' on his 'cad, and the copper 'ad mine tucked away comfa'ble under his arm, and the game was just about up. sir ! 'Well, sir, look at it. If there'll bin a lire it 'ud a' bin just 'ell's own luck, and there 'ud ' a ' bin an end of it. But. Lord bless ye, there never warn't no lire !

' When they brought us to the old girl, so as she could charge us, there she was, with about twenty pretty young ladies all round 'er, all of 'em in the neatest bathin' dresses you ever see, with their 'cads in sponge bags so as no their 'air ; and the old girl smiled and laughed, and she says :

' '' too very fortunate, Mr Constable, that it occurred to-night, hotherwise we might not have detected these wicked men.'

' Then I iij) mi' pays : " Tt's the fortin' d' war, mum. unil we ain't complain in' : but I'd take it kindly mum, if you'd toll us what in the

ok' 'ur.sminie you might be up to, fur T don't see no more iire nor I could put on the end of my thumb and heat for a relish."

'And she says; "Tou don't do pr-rvo, man, as how I should tell ye anythiuk, but as ye arsk, it 'appens that you made your wicked attempts on the night of hour iire drill," and it's a fact, sir ; the copper told n;e 'invsolf.'

' Once a week them gals gits up a iire out of their own "cads, put on their bathing dresses, tumble down that there escape and garden 'ose 'emselves at the bottom. That's '' lire drill," that is, sir. And you may bet as 'ow I shan't forgit it.' He mopped his brow. A sudden vision of the young ladies descending in an avalanche on him and Bill came across me and I burst out laughing. After a moment he laughed, too, slapping his thigh, then he recovered his gravity and appealed to me as a reasonable man: * Once a week, hall the year round sir ! Ain't it a handicappin' a man ?' — St James Gazelle.