The Inside Story

Northern Advocate, 28 January 1939, Page 11

The Inside Story

by the “PRIVATE D. ”

'J'HE Private D predicts that New Zealand is entering upon the second stone age, when the people will be found wearing the skins of animals and eating in the old way from Maori evens. Seeing that practically everything necessary for the enjoyment of life has been banned by the Government, the Dominion can go ahead with the insulation of its shores against the evil effects of European and American civilisation. Perhaps this is what the powers that be have view—the creating of a new civilisation in New ZOOland which some day . might rise and destroy the rest of the world. If this did come about members of the Cabinet would be sure to have their names mentioned in the Conservative press and even in the National News. IN the meantime the Private D is lay- * ing.in a supply of flints against the time when matches will be things of the past. Seeing that English matches have been frowned on, not because they will not strike, but because people use too many, there seems no alternative but to use petrol lighters in the future. They do make matches in New Zealand, but as the forests are being cut out at a rapid rate there will be little timber left very soon to manufacture film sticks. The regulations are going t$ upset everything. / Parents will have to teach their children not

to play with petrollighters instead of matches, / Children will be saying: “What ,is a match?’' The reply will probably be; “A match is a meeting between two football teams. That’s the only hind of match in New Zealand.” • * « *

THIS tinned ■ salmon and sardine * question is serious. Thousands of people in Bussell and other seaside re. sorts receive their sustenance from the tirie of succulent fish Which line,; the grocer’s shelves. And what are, the recipe makers going to do? Sardines onltoasfc and > atonedsalmon i& thd; one sure standby of all inventors of recipes. Mr Nash little knows of this hardship he is imposing by his new idea/ It simply means that cooking experts will have to start all over again to test their recipes using sprats instead of sardines. •

« • * * •THE iPrivate D at this point desires to * point out that in the past the establishment of local industries has been frowned on in some quarters. The establishment of a private factory distilling Dew of Scotland was violently suppressed, .despite the fact that it was giving employment to numerous undertakefs : coffins and gravediggers digging graves. This whisky was stated to be of excellent quality and the only known container which would hold the liquid successfully was the stomach of a man. Other containers corroded rapidly. However, that is beside the point.

* * * * j MANUFACTURERS of coin of the *" realm have also been ground under heel, although they were doing a

RECIVILISING GOD’S OWN COUNTRY

■ 1 m ■ * ■ • n ILL this• hardship which will face ** New Zealanders in the' future will make overseas trips all the more enjoyable, but the fly in the ointment here is that New Zealand pounds are said to be regarded with deep suspicion by people who normally grasp anything in the nature of money. In fact it is even rumoured that Scotchmen and Jews have spurned the notes with contempt that would have been thought incredible a year or two ago. The Reserve Bank states with gay complacence that it promises to pay the holder of a note the full value, but, seeing that f the bank has only one office, and that in Wellington, the position becomes a little difficult if you are stranded in Timbhkthree and cannot stand your friend a noggin of native wine.

« * ,. * * THE outlook fof this fair Dominion * is distinctly black. No money, no luxuries. The Private D is thinking of removing his sphere of to Czechoslovakia where his comments on the international situation will no doubt cause further international incidents. That is the main trouble with Europe to-day. Grises are caused by trifling matters, whereas a few pertinent comments on Hitler’s many amusing habits couched in the Private D’s inimitable style, would cause a conflagration in half the time and put the world out of its misery instead of wondering when the balloon is going up.

* • « * HOWEVER, when all is considered, ** there is -no doubt that the future of this land is going to be except for importers. Afternoon tea parties will be forced to rely on hot water and black bread for fare if everything is banned, but this probably have the effect of sending wives home earlier to cook the horseflesh roast for dinner. Of course it will be possible to obtain luxury goods made in the country, but, before anyone can buy them, new awards increasing wages will have to be made. The Private D predicts that it will take more than a Minister of the Grown to prevent the rise of prices. Rising prices are like the tide which even a king failed to stop, although of course, King Canute’s methods are probably out of date now—especially when compared with Mr Semple’s methods of coping with nature.

national service by keeping the money in the country. Now, as New Zealand money is worthless, this trade will probably languish. The medium of exchange in the Dominion is likely to become items which have been wiped off the face of the shops which used to sell them. Even the abovementioned sardine tins may gain value as being worth a couple of handles at least. As for a bottle of pickles from the firm which manufactures fifty seven varieties, well, a fortnight’s holiday will probably be available in exchange for that.