FORE! (FOR GOLFERS ONLY)

Northern Advocate, 9 July 1938, Page 11

FORE! (FOR GOLFERS ONLY)

The Inside Story

the shooting season has passed and the use of live ammunition is no longer permissible except on rabbits. the "Private D" has burst into verse <he was nearly tempted to say blank verse!). The protest which is sure to be received from the “Inside Story Readers’ Protection League” is anticipated by the announcement that the writer has since been to the barber and has taken a solid course in Douglas Social Credit as an antidote. The nope is expressed that those who skip and scan these lines will not inform the relatives and friends of the “Private D” that he is a poet; otherwise, after this effort, he is bound to become a prey of the autograph hunter.

| Gy The Private D.

\ “RABBIT” walked up to the tee, A twenty-seven man was he, Playing in a four-ball match With a five, a four and a doughty scratch.

Nervously he teed his ball, Then gripped his driver like a maul. He thought of all the “pro” had said: “Wind up your hips, and firmly tread; Eye on the ball, don’t raise your head; A steady back swing, follow through— That’s really all you have to do.”

The words to him were like a song, Yet everything he did was wrong.

His feet were spread, he swung too

high, His eyes were raised up to the sky. But, strange it seems to now relate, The club came down, with vicious weight.

In vain he tried to keep it straight. He never hoped to get the thrill Of driver cleanly hitting pill. Then “Wham!” Could it be really true? The ball was heading for the blue, Flighting a wonderful parabole, Then dropped straight down into the hole.

From boredom now, the other three Scattered praises fast and free. Then each drove off with perfect

stance, While the “rabbit” watched as in a

trance. This game, he thought, was made in

Heaven, When the scratch man did the hole in seven.

And so he “honoured” the second tee — It’s a dog-leg hole around a tree, Two hundred yards to reach the green, And many a bunker lurks between, With swamp and donga and tiger

ground, A graveyard for a medal round. With apologetic mien he stood, Dismally gazing at the wood Around which he had to get the ball If he hoped to reach the green at all.

« * v * With forlorn hope he took his spoon And swung again with whistling tune, And like a swallow sped the ball, Screaming around the timber tall In a marvellous educated slice, And damned if he hadn’t done it twice.

The third is an easy mashie shot. You cross a lake to reach the spot; A trap for every golfing goop. If you drive too far you’re in the soup, Where bunkers deep will cause a slaughter, And if you’re short, you’re in the water.

He wildly grabbed his number seven. The pill went sailing up to heaven. And dropped just two feet past the pole; The back-spin carried it into the hole.

Three holes in three, now thought the “bunny.” At a bob a time ’tis easy money. His chest puffed out like a singing

linnet: “Where is golf’s sting? There’s nothing in it.”

And to his scowling opponents three: “It’s confidence you want,” quoth he. “Never mind about your stance. Walk in and slosh it on the pants. Don't let the game get you dismayed. Watch me, and see how it is played. * U iS • Just take my bag,” he said to scratch. "I’m going to finish eft' this match. I can’t be waiting for you three ginks To fool all day about the links. There’s more important work to do Than eye the ball and follow-through. Hitting balls with crooked clubs Is a game that’s made for half-wit dubs.” * * * * And with another mighty swing He smacked the ball towards the green, “You laddies pick it out for me. I’ll wait for you down on the tee.” To prove the game was smooth as butter, He played the next one with a putter. He made the ball sit up and beg, Then cannoned it off a fairway peg, Adding a nice controlling spin To carry the green and trickle in. * * * * And so he carried on the game, Hill or gully, ’twas, all the same. Each time he hit them far and hard, # 3 » $ And nine wee ones wei’e on his card. And now you want to hear related How he was wined and dined and fetedI hope you won’t be disappointed Because this tale has come unjointed, For the nut I’m telling you about Was just a fairway roaming lout Who wandered aimlessly until His head connected with a pill, And though it was just solid bone, A mental hospital is now his home. • * me 9 The moral, as of course you saw: Don’t wander on the fairway more Than you can help, for if you do, You may become an inmate too. And you tough guys who drive with vim, Let this soak in above your chin, It’s better to have the fairways clear Than plant your ball in someone’s ear, And the “rabbit” now who holds you up May next year carry, oft the cup. *> 5 3 «» WELL, the show has passed with a trail of burst bags, wastepaper and pricked balloons. Most of us have left as hostages of our carnival carousals, art union butts, bacon rinds and very large ornamental boxes of chocolates given to every player, whether a winner or a loser. Perhaps the most intriguing feature of these boxes is the hunt for the chocolates themselves; there is a fortune awaiting the side- 1 show proprietor who has suffleieht genius to issue a magnifying glass .with each trophy won. V 9 9 A s velvet for royalty so canvas for the amusement park of an exhibition, whether it be an American State Fair, a Royal Show, or an occasion of the Whymilkthemookow Agricultural and Pastoral Society (Inc.). Without the tented field, the whole atmosphere would be gone and the patrons with it. The same applies to the big top of the circus. Lights seem to be more suffused and the mind of the beholder mere receptive in such surroundings. ;:i ■> if ' " ' : EVIDENTLY the fun section is still a good money spinner. One of the principals of a sideshow at Northland's own stated in the hearing oi\ the “Private D” that his takings were -only £3O down on the previous year. Tills was considered a highly satisfactory result considering that the show was not making its first appearance in the North. Usually, although the sideshow people may not always be what they appear outwardly, they have stout hearts and kindly dispositions, even in the case of small boys trying to sneak in for a free peep.