POPPLEFIELD

Northern Advocate, 9 August 1934, Page 7

POPPLEFIELD

OUR HAMLET IN SUSSEX.

A SKETCH OP VILLAGE LIFE.

IN THE VICTORIAN ERA

(By A. Hornet). Section No. 24. Tlie post arrived just as Mr Down was giving advice to his two partners in the matter of. Maloney versus Dorr, or Dorr versus Maloney, and brought with it a letter from Major Dorr enclosing the stinging postcard which he had received from the Rector of Popplefield, sent care of the secretary of the Major’s fashionable club in Bath. But in his letter to the solicitors, the Major was careful not to mention that he had sent a similar nasty postcard to the Rector. The Major intimated in his letter to the solicitors that it -would not bo half a bad plan to threaten* the Rector with a libel action, and ask for heavy damages on account of the offensive postcard which he had received.

“If we follow out our client’s suggestion,” said Mr Kerr, speaking for the first time, “we must get counsel’s opinion. A libel action is an issue quite distinct from the opening and closing of a vault—-another issue altogether. ” “You are right,” said Down, - with another loud chuckle. “There is no parallel between them any more than there is between a Whitechapel coster and a belted, earl.”

“I am sorry I did not see our letter to Maloney before it was sent off to him,” resumed Kerr. “Now, when I come to think, one or two of the remarks made in our letter with advantage might have been omitted. Telling the Rector that his letters to our client were not exactly those of a clergyman was a mistake. It left ourselves open to his retort, the opposite of courteonsness, and did not lack in effrontery. Down, were you the composer of that letter missive?” “Yes,” cried Down, clapping his fat hands, and shaking with laughte'r, which ended in a fit of coughing. After the spasm had subsided, he resumed: “I wrote the letter missive, but Hill helped me to concoct it, and he it was who suggested all the cutting remarks because he was annoyed at Maloney’s personal gibe about muttonchop whiskers. Hill, if I were, you, I would shave them off—you then would look more like a professional man than a butler out of a job.” ‘ ‘ One thing I know,’ ’ answered back Hill, surveying Down through his pince-nez, “1 certainly look more professional than you, with a corpulence like a balloon and two eyes resembling a brace of poached eggs stuck on your fat head. You should go in for banting. Have you ever tried anti-fat?”

“Blow me tight,” answered Down, “1 tried it for three months, and my weight went up by half a stone.” He then again started to cough and giggle, shaking the table and upsetting the inkpot over Mr Hill’s papers, “I wish 1o heaven,” said Hill, trying to clean up the ink, “that you would stop giggling and get to business. Maloney’s letter has to be answered.”

“I can’t help laughing,” cried Down. “To mo It is so funny that old parson and our silly client of a Major at loggerheads over some old vault, and each one trying to do the other in the eye, and now on the top of it we are asked to start u libel action. It strikes me, Hill, that yon have no more sense of humour than an old hen.”

“X do wish you two fellows would stop fooling and come to business, ’’

remarked Mr Kerr. “It seems to me that this opening and closing of a vault, apart from the question of libel, is steering straight for the courts of law, so we must be careful with our pleadings or else we shall be let down. First thing, Maloney’s letter has to be answered. But when we write again it must be free from personalities, or cutting remarks. Remember, should a lawsuit arise, it would never do to have our letters, if unprofessional, read out in court. Another thing I want to tell you both,” continued Mr Kerr. “We must not bank too much on the information which Marwood, the Bishop’s secretary, gave to our client about a two -guinea foe. It sounds all right, but what about the case ‘Huggins versus Riddle,’ mentioned by Maloney in his letter? If Maloney is to be believed, Mr Baron Pegwell allowed a hundred guineas to the incumbent, and, to use Maloney’s choice expression, he is only asking for a ‘piffling fifty pounds,’ less than half the proper fee for the opening and closing of a vault.” “I have my suspicions about the Huggins versus Biddle case quoted by the parson,” commented Mr Hill. “He is an Irishman, and the habit of falsification is the main characteristic of his race.”

“Have you looked up the case?” asked Mr Kerr.

‘‘They are searching for it now,” replied Mr Hill. “I have put the .articled clerks going through all the old law reports.” “You need not trouble to look up old Baron Bagwell/’ cried Mr Down, still giggling. “This judge died about 50 years ago. When counsel, he shared the plums of the bar with Sharpsidc, who afterwards became Lord Chancellor. Towards the close of his earthly career, Pegwell became one of the Barons of the Exchequer, so he ought to know, something about law, sufficient to please our worthy friend, ' the Hector of Popplefteld.’ ’ 1 1 If I remember rightly,” continued Mr Down, who delighted in gossip when touched up by scandal, “Pegwell, although keen on hanging, was considered to be a very shy man, particularly in the company of ladies of quality, but got over this shyness, and became very pleasant' with them after his wife died. His marriage connection was formed somewhat irregularly, and that was supposed to have made him shy of all petticoats.” “I wish to heaven, Down, you would stop giving us ancient gossip, and come to business, ” remonstrated Mr Kerr. “The point is, what reply to make to the Hector’s letter!”

“Why, it is quite simple,” said Mr Hill. “Tell the parson straightout that old Tabitha left no money.”

“No, that won’t do,” argued Mr Kerr. “It means telling a deliberate lie. The old woman, as yon know, did leave money, and plainly directed in her will that her funeral expenses were to be the first charge on her estate. Suppose, for the sake of argument, that we toll the Rector she left no money, and this parson, who is as cute as an Irish fox, takes the trouble to look up her will, wo should be in a nice hole.”

“You are too full of Scotch caution, instead of Scotch whiskey,” replied Mr Down. “The Major told us plainly in his letter to say that, tins old girl left no estate —what more do yon want?”

“He said nothing of the kind,” snapped Mr Kerr. “All he said was that his wife suggested saying Miss Dorr left, no money—is not that so, Hill?”

“Yes,” answered Mr Hill, “The Major's wife suggested a white lie, and which sins more, the tempter or the tempted?”

“I don’t like this idea of shuffling

at all, saying that the deceased left no money,” said Mr Kerr. “It is a pure prevarication, and likely to be found out. Then it would be our funeral. And tell me what sort of female is this wife of the Major. I have never met her. But you, Hill, know her!” “Yes,” answered Mr Hill, “she is a rum one, and no mistake—a second edition of Mrs Jellyby, always gadding about having many irons in the fire. But, differing from the Jellyby

one, she is not immersed in missionary affairs such as moral handkerchiefs for the scantily attired savages of Borneo. Onr client’s wife is a strongminded suffragette —her piece de resistance being woman’s rights by the shutting up of the pubs. Although neither she, nor her husband, is a teetotaller, nevertheless she believes that the working man should not be allowed to drink beer, as it hinders him in his work. She is also anti-tobacco — looks upon it as a drug, same as opium,

and in one of her lectures declared ■ - , that when women got their -rights" a " man caught smoking would bo put into quod without the option of a fine.”""-. ‘<l should not like to- bemarried V that woman,” said Mr Down, with'-a hippopotamus grunt. “She ought to bo locked up to keep her out of mis- ■> chief.” ’ A-r ■' "And now,” said Mr Kerr, . l( ; wants to foster upon;'us an.untruth.” .' ... .... • ■'? j (Td be continued). ’• " ’.''■'■bi