PARLIAMENTARY HONOURS.

Northern Advocate, 18 May 1914, Page 8

PARLIAMENTARY HONOURS.

(Contributed)

It is a to be marvelled at that most men in the Dominion having at-; tamed a certain stage in the affairs of this world are seized with a and feverish desire to write "M.P." af:er their name. When "M.H.R." was the appendage it was not of-so much ■consequence, but now it is really nec-v, essary to become a member of Parliament to set the seal of fame on-'.a i career. . The letters M.P. after a man's dame are extremely valuable, as they constitute a signpost that notifies ■ all and sundry that the owner is free to be' pestered by every section of the com-, 'munity, and is open to be publicly abused whenever anyone considers it desirable. The owner of these letters M.P. after his name need have no brains whatever; that is a wholly unnecessary qualification. He must, however, have an inexhaustible store of. idiotic speeches, with which he must be prepared to annoy his fellow men on every- possible occasion. Another necessary qualification is that, of the umile. This is really important.:.,lf in any photograph of any public Affair, the M.P. is represented without the "Odol" smile and with his face piece in repose, he should be prepared to purchase the negative at a high rate from the" photographer, in order to at once destroy it, as the omission of the smile will be taken unkindly by his constituents. The final and absolutely essential qualification is that the member must be a devoted adherent of Ananias. If this final attribute is lacking a member will be hopelessly at sea and entirely unable to "keep his end up." As far as pecuniary 'reward for his services, is concerned ,the representative, elected by the popular suffrage has about as much chance of declaring a dividend on his income and expenditure as a one-legged gumdigger has. It will now. be readily .understood from our... introduction -why

t.ne competition, is so keen for this post ! of honour. Of course, when once elect--3d the member is absolutely superflu- j nis and of small use to himself or any- j jne else. He is simply expected to | scramble for a few miles 'of metal road, a few post-offices and courtnouses, and distribute a J.P.'ship to ivery hundredth individual to wnom ie promised one. in addffion, if he is lble to, get a constituent appointed inspector of sausages then he has in.leed done nobly. On summing up the A'hole position one cannot but think :hat the only electorate in the Domin,ou which is possessed of commonsense was the one that presented a largely-signed petition praying that for diree years at least it might go'unrepresented, and that the salary which would have been drawn by the member .night accumulate and finally be expended on the erection of a concrete iridge. Naturally, after all the advantages we have outlined, the competition to become the chosen candidate jf one of the parties is very keen •.'•so .teen, in fact, that each political party is a rule has several aspirants. It is die pleasant duty of each party to turn all but one of these aspirants into determined opponents, as only one must be selected to carry 4 the colours of each party. All the rest, of course, as soon as tiiey are turned down, become violent opponents.

The usual and customary way to select a candidate is by an old and barbarous method which is called a conference. It is really a splendid institution, as it is so useless and idiotic that it is great practice for the selected candidate, and the association fits him admirably, in the event of his being elected for his future Parliamentary career. The conference is a par-, Ocularly' handy method of selection, as it is very expensive aftd inconvenient. The various supporters of the party first meet in their own district and appoint a delegate. It is essential that the delegate be a crank, also self-opinionated, if possible. He must, of course, kribw nothing whatever of the matter at issue, \and in addition it is beneficial if he be privately prejudiced against at least one of the candidates (this is necessary to secure an unbiased verdict). If the delegate is deaf or blind also, so much the more eminently is >he suited for the work in hand. The first necessary'■: step is to-fix upon the most inconvenient'spot in the electorate (the next Bay of Islands conference is to be held at the Three Kings). After this, on no account must the various uhiti who are to attend the conference be notified in good time. At the last moment a wire must be sent them, if possible to the wrong office. This js necessary to ensure a thoroughly representative conference. Only one delegate is appointed for each locality, and so when the great day arrives, if at least two have presented themselves, and the gathering has to' be culled and weeded so as to offend at least fifty per cent, of,the supportevs, the conference is a conference indeed, The actual conference itself is of no, importance. The delegates assemble in a small corner of a big, cold hall, and everyone talks at once. Finally, perhaps,' a candidate is selects.', whereupon the rejected candidate or 'candi-dates declare their determination to also stand. The result, therefore, it can he concluded is quite satisfactory. The most popular termination of all it. however, for there to be no decision of any kind. It is much more 1 sat'sfac-' tory after gathering delegates together from long distances to send them back not a whit wiser than when they, eh tic Such is the conference.

Recently a novel idea has been sub-

stituted for the conference as a means of selecting a'candidate. It is a really excellent idea, and without a doubt a patent should at once be taken-out. In one detail it is not up "to the standard-

of the conference, as it is not-so inconvenient or expensive, but as the-rcs-eult is the same, and it 'gives much more scope for enterprising candidates it is to' be highly commended. , The method* employed is to be by posti) ballot. If the electors on the roil a v o &000''(get at least ten thousand ballot papers printed), bundles of- sovcial hundreds of these papers arc sent out tj any-suitable person whom.it *.£ pubilely recognised has little oecuupt'o'i i-nd ample time to spare. The names of the candidates arc printed on the ballot papers, and the candidate who leceives'the largest number of v>tes i:i declared the official candidate, whik iti the end the others'declare ! n----tention to stand all the same. No one person is. allowed to sign more than two thousand papers. The one essen-tial'is-to-ensure as many members of the opposite party as possible substantial bundles of papers. Thifc is leally necessary to gauge the rtial

opinion of the party, and secure a )o])iilar candidate. Anyone who unfortunately cannot read or write must without fail receive a generous supply of papers. It will be at once recognised that this method of selection is unique and fills a long-felt want. The nven.tor, it is reported, is a gentleman who is in charge of a small conn-: cry post office, and whose already munificent salary is likely to be in-. jreased by a noticeable, improvement in the quarterly return of letters.^ttjj