HUMOUR

Manawatu Times, Volume 64, Issue 111, 13 May 1939, Page 11

HUMOUR

Something for Nothing Well equipped with refreshment and' every conceivable kind of bait, the angler strolled forth. Having spent the whole of the day without as much as a nibble he packed up and quietly surveyed the stream. Putting his hand in his pocket he brought out his coppers and threw them into the water. Addressing the elusive fish, he said: “Here you are; go and buy yourself anything you fancy.** Cut Price An old Aberdonian received by post from his tailor a bill for a suit of clothes supplied by him. The amount due was £2. He pondered over the account for a week, then stumped gleefully along to settle the bill. “Noo, McPherson,*’ he said to the tailor, “before I pay this account ye*ll have tae reduce it to one pound nineteen shillings and elevenpence.’* “What’s the idea?” asked the tailor. “ Eh, mon,** was the reply, “cun ye no* use your brains? I’ll save a penny and ye’ll save tuppence. Ye’ll no* need tae put on a receipt stamp.’*

“Why a number and not the name of youx sweetheart? ’* “I can’t afford to have the name painted out every two or three weeks. *•

Cause for Complaint * 4 The night before last you came home yesterday,’’ said the exasperated wife to her wayward husband. “Last night you came home to-day. If you come home this evening to-morrow morning, I’ll go straight home to mother.’* Man for the Job “Constable,** begged the dear old lady, “do you mind going into that shop and getting me one of their catalogues?’*

“Sorry, madam,*’ replied the policeman, smiling, “I can’t do that, I’m afraid. But why can’t you get one yourself!’’ “Well,** replied the old lady, “it said in the newspaper. ’Send p.c. for catalogue*! ’*

An American was defeated ignomini ously when he ran for the office of sheriff. He got 55 votes out of a total of 3,500, and the next day he walked down Main Street with two guns hang ing from his belt. “You were not elected, and you have no right to carry guns,’’ fellow-citizens told him.

’’Listen, folks,’’ he replied, “a man with no more friends than I’ve got in this country netds to carry guns.’*

“Is your husband a member of a secret society?’’ “He thinks he is, but he talks in his sleep.’*

“So your name is George Washington,” the old lady asked the small 1 Negro boy in an American hotel. “ Yessum.” “And you try to be exactly like him, or as nearly ifs possible?” “Lak who?” “Why, like George Washington.” “Ah kaint hc’p bein’ lak George Washington, ’cause dat’s who ah is.” A very young and pretty girl who had gone to see some Territorial manoeuvres was so startled by the unexpected firing of the rifles that she screamed and stepped backward into the arms of a surprised young man. “Ob,” said she, blushing, “I was frightened by the rifles! I beg your pafdon!’* v Xot at all!” said the young man. “Let’s go over and watch the artillery! ** A cockney child was showing a \ isitor round some miniature garden plots forming part of a scheme planned by benevolent educationists to provide school children with the means of enjojing, as well as usefully employing, some of their leisure moments. When they came to one patch, the child guide explained, “This is my ’obby. ‘Ow I ’ates it.” “Aren’t you afraid your creditors might see you at this expensive restaurant ?’* “It’s the safest place. They can’t afford to come here.” Head in a Soho restaurant:— “Have you any celery?’* “No, sir, but I make enough with lip*.”