THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume 60, Issue 40, 18 February 1935, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Reaping where she sowed. —Visitor: “And you have had the same servant for two years?” Suburbanite: “Yes; she says she doesn’t believe in changing after she has gone to the trouble of teaching a family her ways.”

With a Kick.—Two clubmen had wined and dined well. One was much more groggy than his companion, but with the aid of his friend’s arm he managed to reach the second floor of the block of flats.

“Do you think you can manage another two stories?” asked the more sober man of his inebriated friend. “Shertinly,” was the reply, “if they’re funny ones.”

Simple.—Clara: “Rita told me that you told her that little secret that I told you not to tell her.” May: “What? Why, the mean thing! I told her not to tell you that I told her.” Clara: “Well, she told me anyway, and I told her I wouldn’t tell you she told me, so don’t tell her I did tell you.”

Swaying palms.—First Guest: “I’m sure I don’t know why they call this hotel the ‘Palms,’ do you? I’ve never seen a palm anywhere near the place.” Second Guest: “You’ll see them before you go. It’s a pleasant little surprise the whole staff keep for the guests on the last day of their stay.”

No wind. —The retired sea dog was expostulating with his daughter about the lateness of her hours. “I won’t have it,” he asserted; “going out with that landlubber in his car, and not getting home till past midnight.”

“But, daddy,” replied the sailor’s daughter, “We were becalmed. The wind died right down in two of the tyres.”

The Only One.—A teacher asked her pupils if anyone could give him an example of a “stabilised industry.” “Horse racing, sir,” replied a boy.

Invisible. —A needy negro was borrowing 10/- for one week. Counting it, he discovered only 9/-. It was explained that 1/- had been deducted as interest, and, as customary, was collected in advance. Blinking his eyes in amazement, he scratched his head and, sauntering off, mumbled: “Ise sho glad ah didn’t need his money for 10 weeks.”

Mixed Feelings. —llluminating remarks of a sergeant instructing _ a party of young cadets in burial drill:—

“On the command ‘Fix,’ the right’and man of the front rank will not —I said NOT—take three paces forward; and for why, because if ’e did ’e’d fall right into the grave and break ’is bloomin’ neck. Stop laughing in the rear rank, please, Mr Fletcher.

“And that brings me to another ppint. The cortege will proceed in a stately and orderly fashion. The party will assume ’appy yet sorrowful countenances —’appy because their late lamented comrade ’as departed to ’appier lands, and sorrowful because ’e’s gone without paying ’is mess bill.” -x * *

Making Things Awkward.— “ Now, sir,” said the conjurer, with a flourish of his hands, “would. you be surprised if your 2/6, which you have seen dissolved in the air, was found on the other side of the theatre?” “Very surprised,” said the man m the audience. The conjurer went to the other side of the stage and pointed to a small boy at the back of the stalls. “Hi, boy,” he called, “will you stand up and feel in your left-hand trousers pocket to see if there is 2/6 there.” There was a slight pause, then the boy spoke. “There’s only 2/4, guv’nor, he stammered out. “You said I could have 2d for helping you, and Ive spent it.” __ ..

Ilcr Great Desire.— The captain of an Atlantic liner was being continually pestered by a woman passenger who kept asking him what were the possibilities of seeing a whale. “Don’t forget to let me know as soon as one appears,” she reminded him for about the 10th time. “But madam,” asked the harassed skipper, “why are you so eager to see a whale?” “It’s the biggest desire in my life to see a whale blubber,” she told him. “I think it must be so impressive to watch such an enormous creature crying.”

Beating The Clever Ones.— Two commercial travellers were swopping, tall wireless stories at the bar in the presence of an old countryman whom they were trying to impress. , , “You got a radio set? asked one of the travellers. “Yes, sorr,” said the countryman. “I got a very good one.” “Does it have good selectivity? asked the traveller, with a knowing wink at his companion. “Well, yes,” said the old fellow, it has. The other night I was listening to a quartette, and I didn’t like the tenor, so I just tuned him out and listened to the other three.”

Forethought.—“ Why did you name your boy Archibald Clarence Algernon?”

“Well, I want him to be a good boxer, and any boy with a name like that should get a lot of practice.”

Premature.—Her pleasure to meet my (laughter’s fiance. I want you to make yourself right at home here.” Her Fiance: “Thanks awfully; but don’t you think it would look better if I moved in after the ceremony?”

In Pursuit.—“l cannot, understand,” said the vicar, “why so many of the congregation go straight from the church to the public house.” “Oh,” said the bright curate, “that is what they call the ‘thirst after righteousness.’ ” **

Thankful.—“l cannot understand this audience,” complained the stage comedian. “Why, here they do not appreciate my turn at all, yet in my last town the audience rose at the conclusion and cheered to a man.”

“Ah,” said the manager, wearily, “he was the next turn on, I suppose.”

Wondering.—He: I developed these muscles by working in a boiler factory.

Sweet Young Thing: Oh, you wonderful man! And what did you boil?

Timing Of The Shrew.—“My wife starts to nag me about 8 o’clock every evening,” said a man in a London court.

Hiking.—Wife: Must you spend every night at the club? Why not come for a little walk with me sometimes?

Husband: What? Do you expect me to take up this new-fangled sport at my age?

Vegetables By Necessity.—“ From to-morrow onward I shall alter my diet. Nothing but fruit—no bread, no cakes, or pastry.” “Doctor’s orders?”

“No, the baker won’t give any more credit, but the fruiterer will.”

Deluded Beast—“ What in the name of fortune are you doing?” asked the visitor in surprise, as he watched Pat tie a pair of green glasses round the donkey’s head and then proceed to empty a bag of shavings on the floor. “Whisht, sir, don’t spake a word,” answered Pat. “Shure, the baste will think it’s grass'”

Amicable Arrangement. —“I can’t lend you £ I—l’ve only got 7/6.” “Give men that; I’ll trust you for the rest.” #• * * Only one fly.—The lengthy recital had drawn to a close, ice-cream and cake had been served, and the teacher was bidding the students goodbye.. One of the little performers had brought her small brother with her. As she was about to leave, the teacher beamingly said: “Well, Bobby, did you enjoy the recital?” “Yes,” answered Bobby, “all but the music.” x x * That Kind.— “ Brown is marrying again, I hear.” “So they say, and from all accounts his second wife will make rather a lively stepmother for the children!” “A sort of watch-your-step-mother, I suppose.” An Actor Defined. —“What’s an actor, uncle?’ asked the little girl, glancing up from her book. Uncle looked thoughtful. “An actor, my dear,” he explained, “is a man who can walk to the side of the stage, peer into the wings filled with theatrical props, dirt and dust, other actors, and stage-hands, old clothes and bits of string, and say: ‘My, what a lovely view there is from this window’!” * * * Another burden. The mistress was very irritated by the way her new maid dropped her aitches. “Mary,” she said one day, “you really must mind your aitches.” “Sorry, mum,” replied the girl. “My mother only told me as ’ow I must mind by p’s and q’s.” •if w fr It Was Not lILs Loss. —Mrs Smith was particularly fond of reminding her husband that the silver was hers, the piano was hers, and the furniture was hers. Smith was getting tired of her continual claims. In the middle of the night Mrs Smith was awakened by noises downstairs. She vigorously shook her husband. “Henry,” she said in a hoarse whisper—“ Henry, get up, there are burglars downstairs.” “Burglars,” echoed Smith wearily, but not making the least effort to get out of bed. “Well, let ’em burgle. There’s nothing of mine down there.”

Force Of Habit.—A servant girl has been asleep for eight days despite all efforts to rouse her. It is expected she will soon sit up and give notice.

A Pointer. —He was about to propose, but before doing so he wished to make sure she was a good housewife. So he asked her: “Can you wash dishes?” “Yes,” she said sweetly. “Can you dry them?” He didn’t propose.