THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume 59, Issue 222, 22 September 1934, Page 9

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Safe.—“ Look here,” said the barber to the restless man in the chair, “if you don’t keep still I’m liable to cut your throat.” “I’m not afraid of that,” replied the helpless victim, “as long as you continue to use that razor.” * * * The Habit.—Shopper: How much is this a yard? Assistant: Sevenpence, ma’am. “Elevenpence! Outrageous! I’ll give you 10. “I said 7d, ma’am.” “Oh! I’ll give you six.” # # Quick. —“You said that you had been in service with Dr Squills,” said the mistress to the new maid. “Is he a nice man?” “I don’t know, ma’am. He was out when I began, and I left before he got back.” ■J5* *3f Unnatural.—A self-made man was grumbling because his son invariably took out the car, even though the place to which he wanted to go was only a few hundred yards away. “Are you aware, my boy,” he said, “that when I started life I walked everywhere?” “That’s rather curious, father,” was the reply. “Most people have to begin by crawling.”

Wonderful.—Mr Uggy: Don’t you remember, dear, when your father forbade me the house? Mrs Uggy: Yes, and when mother wouldn’t let me out of her sight for a moment? “And I made up my mind to go off and die?” “Yes, and I scared father into thinking I was in a decline?” “Weren’t those happy days!” «• * Easily Remedied.—“ What’s wrang wi’ ye, Maggie?” “I’ve lost my engagement ring.” “Dinna, greet about that. I’ll get ye anither th’ morn oot o’ Woolworths.” *A* *A* vr Awkward.—A vicar’s wife gave a lecture on domestic matters to women of the parish. She covered a wide range of subjects—cooking, illness, care of babies, etc., and at the end invited questions upon matters she had failed to embrace. A woman arose: “Please, Mum,” she said, “you haven’t told us what to do when your husband comes home ‘tight.’ ” -x- ■» * Not Safe.—Greene: Why do you never take a holiday? Wise: I feel that I shouldn’t leave my job. “Why, can’t the company do without you?” “Yes, that’s just what I don’t want them to find out.”

The Better Of The Two.—A: It seems to me very strange that Mrs C. should lavish so much affection on that ugly pug dog. B: Not at all. You ought to see her husband.

Many A Time.—Woman (to solicitor) : I want to sue a man for breach of promise. You see, before he married me he promised everything and has done nothing. Did you ever hear of such a thing? # • Unfortunate.—Mother (from staircase): Tommy, for goodness sake, turn off that loud speaker! That woman’s voice goes through and: through my head! Tommy: But, mother, this isn’t the wireless. This is Mrs Brown come to see you! * * * A Sweet Thought—Nell: So you’ve broken with him? Belle: Yes; he was too hard to please. • “Gracious! How he must have changed since he proposed to you! 44 44 The Secret.—A retired business man, when asked the secret of his success in life, replied as follows: “I attribute my ability to retire with a £IO,OOO bank balance, after 30 years in business, to hard work, honesty, economy, and to the recent death of my uncle who left me £15,000.” * * * Shrewd.—'“Look, Clarence,” cried the sweet young wife one evening, “I have a packet of your favourite cigarettes here, so we have saved 18d this week.” “How do you make that out, darling? Did you win them at bridge, or something?” t “No; I just took one out of your case every little while and put it aside for you.” #• 44 vQuietly.—“l say, old chap, have I ever told you about the awful fright I got on my wedding-day?” “Hush! No man should speak like that about his wife!” * -x- * A Tall One.—An ambitious_ young man went to London to join the police. He passed the medical examination and was interviewed. “Well, young man,” said an officer, “you look a promising sort of young fellow. You have a good general knowledge, I suppose?” “Yessir!” “Can you tell me. then, how many miles it is from London to Aberdeen?” “Look here, sir,” he blurted, “if you’re going to put me on that beat I’d rather stay at home and help father with the cows.”

Not Eligible.—Haughty Lady (on bus): Conductor, I wish to get off. Obliging Conductor: Do you, mum? I wish you luck; but I’m a married man meself, mum. * Misunderstood.—“Oh, constable, I feel so funny.” “What’s the matter, madam? Have you vertigo?” “Oh, ■ yes, constable, about two miles.” * Modern.—Flossie (gushingly): I’m off to bed. Nighty-nighty! Bessie (fed up, but rising to the occasion): Pyjama-pyjama! *3fr ■3fr Obliging.—Park Policeman: Beg pardon, sir, but would you please t lend me a pencil a moment? “Certainly, here it is.” “And now your address, please. I saw you picking flowers a moment ago.” * * -x Used to It.—The lawyer was rehearsing the beautiful actress for her appearance in the divorce court. She listened with mild interest and finally asked a question.

“Who plays the part of the judge?”

Force Of Habit.—A bishop prides himself on saying the right and tactful word to every person he meets, and. by reason of his office, he is not accustomed to find his remarks questioned. “So strange I should run up against you,” he said to a woman acquaintance, “because I was chatting only a few minutes ago with your two children.” “But,” said the woman, “I have no children.” “Are you sure?” he asked earnestly. ■» * # Well-Known.—First Farmer: I’ve got a freak on my farm. It’s a twolegged calf. Second Farmer: I know. He came to call on my daughter last night. •X* •X* •X* Bad Sight.—Bill (who lias caught his father kissing the maid): Whatcha doin’, Dad, with our maid? “Bring my glasses, son. I thought it was your mother.” VC* vf Service.—Maid (at whose mercy Jones is left while his wife’ is on holiday): I’m sorry there’s only dry toast for your breakfast this morning. I put two kippers in the larder last night, but the cat got in and walked off with yours. *• * The Distinction.—Young Lady: Going to make a flower bed here, Smithers? Why, it’ll quite spoil our tennis ground. Gardener: Well, that’s your pa’s orders, Miss. He’ll hev it laid out for “ ’Orticultur’,” not for “ ’Usbandry.”

Involved.—Little Willie: Say, Pa, what is a hypocrite? * Pa: A hypocrite, my son, is a man who publicly thanks the Lord for his success, then gets mad every time anybody insinuates that he isn’t mainly responsible for it himself.

One’s Enough.—Hawker: Buy a parrot? A real dandy talker. Mr Henpeck: Er—no, thank you. I’m suited!

*• * * The Spare. Dorothy, the littla daughter of a tyre salesman, had seen triplets for the first time. “Oh, mother,” she cried, on returning home, “what do you guess I saw to-day?” “I can’t imagine, dear. What?” “A lady that had twins —and a spare!” The Right Tense.—Freda was five years old and very polite. It wa* the first time she had been on 3 visit alone, and she had been care'* fully instructed how to behave. “Il they ask you to dine with them when you arrive,” her father had said, “you must reply: ‘No, thank you, 1 have already dined.’ ” It turned out just as her father had anticipated.' “Come along, Freda,” cried her little friend’s father, “you must have a bite with us.” Freda remembered the advice. “No, thanks,” she replied with dignity. “I have already bitten.” * Difficult.—First Man: There’s a fancy-dress dance and I don’t know what to go as. It is only a small gathering. Second Man: Only a small gathering. you say? “Yes.” “Well, why not go as a linseed poultice!” 4f * * Uncommon.—Difficult: I can’t remember the name of the car I want —I think it starts with “T.” Exasperated Salesman: Madam, all our cars start with petrol. » «• * Brusque.—Mistress: I am a woman of a few words. If I beckon with my hand, that means “Come.” New Servant: That suits me, mum! I’m also a woman of few words. If I shake my head it means “I’m not coming.” .* v? Pictures? —Countryman (at the National Gallery): Why, these are the same pictures I saw here year! Attendant: Quite likely, sir. “Then it’s a swindle. They told me that the pictures were changed twice a week at all the best picture houses in London.”