THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LIV, Issue 7191, 24 June 1933, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Unexpected.— Judge: Speeding eh! How many times have you been in front of me? Prisoner Never, your Worship, I’ve tried many a time, but my car won’t touch sixty. *«• 4iJust Carry Bricks.— “ Well,” said Pat’s friend, “how do you like your new job?” It s the foinest I’ve ever known,” he returned. “And what do you have to do?” asked Mike. “I’ve nothing at all to do,” said the other. “I just carries a load of bricks up the ladder to the bricklayer and he does all the work.” *• * * An Honest Thief— Miss Travelle had just returned from a visit to Egypt, and was exhibiting many souvenirs to her friends. "I bought this scarab from an Arab boy,” she said. “He assured me lie had stolen it himself during the archaaological excavations. I’m sure he was genuine about it—he had such an honest little face.” -3f * In Passing. —“ Did you happen to run across a fellow called Dobbs while you were on that tour?” “I don’t think so,” answered the road hog. “There were a couple of fellows I knocked over, though, whose names I didn’t find out.” #•}{•■& Disappointing.— As Freddie’s father was passing the barn, he heard Freddie saying, “What’s two and one, two and one, I say?” When father looked in, he saw Freddie shaking the pet rabbit vigorously. “What are you doing that for?” he asked. “Well, teacher told us that rabbits multiply very rapidly, but this one can’t even add, let alone multiply,” replied Freddie disgustedly, shaking it again.

Too Short.—Sam: Hallo, Bill, I ’ear you and some of the lads struck for shorter hours. Did you get ’em? Bill: We did —we ain’t working at all now! # -*• No Recommendation. —The house agent was enthusiastic about the advantages of the tumble-down dwelling he was trying to sell. "The death-rate, you know,” he said, “is the lowest in the country.” “I quite believe it,” replied the prospective customer. “I wouldn’t be found dead here myself.” * «• ■* His Dream Come True. —They met again for the first time since their boyhood. “Well, well,” said Jones, ‘‘and how are you finding things? Have any of your fond childhood ambitions been realised?” Brown grinned. “Yes, one,” he replied. “You remember how I wanted to wear long trousers?” Jones nodded. “Well,” continued Brown. “1 believe I now wear them longer than anyone else.” #* ■s<- vf Very Slight.—Mrs Pareclieese, who kept a liberal table, according to the boarding-house advertisements, gazed severely at the new lodger as he passed up his cup for his fifth go at the coffee. “You seem very fonil of coffee, Mr Jones,” she could not help remarking. “I am, madame,” came the prompt answer. “That’s why I don’t mind drinking so much hot water to get a slight taste of it.” Resourceful. —The bachelor was paying his recently married friend a visit. “Well,” said the latter, after they had inspected the flat, “what do vou think of it?”

“Pretty good,” praised the bachelor, “but there’s one thing that has struck me as rather strange. Why did you choose a flat with such a tiny kitchen?” The married man winked artfully. “You’re the first man I’ve told this to, so keep it quiet,” he whispered. “It’s so small that I can’t get in there to help my wife when she’s doing the washing-up.”

Remnants Of Art. —“This,” said the small art enthusiast, pointing proudly to an old oil painting, “is a specimen I obtained very cheaply at a sale. It is a genuine Rembrandt! Actually, it Is worth about four times the price I paid, too.” “Blimey,” said his guest, slightly ignorant of matters artistic. “You don’t say so! I’ve seen those Rembrandt sales advertised at the draper’s but all my missis ever gets at ’em is bits of silk and calico ”

The Last Resource.—When the lady gave the musician at the door a coin, she remarked, “But you haven’t played anything on your trombone yet." “Lady, I’d have played that if you hadn’t given me any money.” ■if w 3(* No Doubt About It.—Brown: Is that a good watchdog? White: Well, he spends his time watching my neighbour’s chickens dig up my garden. * * * Exactly—She: Funny, no one seemed to realise what a “bad egg” Jones was while he was rich. He: My dear, a “bad egg” is only known when it’s “broke.” •ft -ft A Match.—“ Old Tom’s going to marry Miss Flighty. She can ride, swum, dance, sing, drive a racing car, and pilot an airplane. Real allrounder.” “They ought to get on line. Old Tom’s quite a good cook.” Interested.—The mistress was not impressed with the prospective new r maid. “No, you won’t suit me. You say that you were with Mrs Snobb last, yet you can’t produce a reference.” "That old cat! I could tell you some wonderful tales.” She started to walk away, but w'as hurriedly called back. “Look, you can have the position—and start right-away.” A Warning For Father.—They met after the football match. She was j-adiantlv happy. “Dick,” she said, "father came along to see the game. I’m so glad he saw you in those football togs.” Dick was slow to grasp her meaning. “Why, Joan?” he asked. “You looked so big and strong in them that dad won’t dare raise a hand —or foot—wdien you call on me now r ,” she told him.

Only One More. —“Is not this work almost too much for you, friend?” asked the new vicar. “You must be a great age.” “Yessir, yessir!” mumbled the old bell-ringer. “ ’Ow many years I’ve tolled this bell I can’t tell ye, but it’s beginning to tell on me. ’Owsomever, I’ve rung the bell for five dead vicars ” “Dear me!” ejaculated the minister. “And,” continued the sexton, “I'll be happy when I’ve made up the 'alf dozen! I think I’ll retire then.” At a Disadvantage.—The master of the house rang for the maid. The girl was in the act of cleaning pots and pans, and before she could tidy herself her employer entered Hie kitchen to see what was delaying her. He looked at her dirty hands and face. “My word, Mary.” he said, “buL you're pretty dirty, aren’t you?” Mary smiled coyly. “Yes, sir.” sin: replied, "hut l’m prettier clean.”

So Old-fashioned. —Swank ley bad been a great traveller, and bis trouble Was Hint lie couldn’t keep quiet about it. Kverytliing • tHat. happened reminded him of something that took place in Timbuctoo or the Cannibal Isles. His friend Martin was admiring a beautiful sunset one evening. “Ah!” said Swankier. “You should just see Hie sunset in the East!” “I should like to very much,” said Martin. “The sun always sets in the west in this ordinary old country.” Tactless. —The stage comedian had followed up a very mediocre performance with a rather egoistic speech. The audience showed its disapproval in ribald laughter and much heckling. The stage manager came along to the rescue. “My friends,” he said. “1 know you will iiave your fun, but I think you will agree—joking apart—that our comedian is a very good one.” Then he wondered why the audience cheered, and the comedian looked annoyed.

Nearly Caught.—One night a man in a car was run down at a level crossing, and in consequence the old signalman in charge had to appear in Court. After a gruelling cross-examination he was still unshaken. He said he had waved his lantern frantically, but all to no purpose. The following day the superintendent of the line called him into his ofiice. “You did wonderfully well yesterday, Bert,” he said: “I was afraid at first that you might waver.” “No sir,” replied Bert, “though I was afraid that old lawyer was- going to ask me whether my lantern was lit!”