THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LVI, Issue 7185, 17 June 1933, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Not His Line.—First Traveller (anxious to make conversation with fellow-passenger): Plenty of variety in tlie news nowadays. How are things going in China? Do you know? Second Traveller (sleepily): No, I don’t. I travel in oil. Vf ■» Whose Boots? —Sambo borrowed a pair of rubber boots from Mose. Time passed and the boots were not returned. They met. Said Mose: Sambo, when is you gwine gimme back them boots ob mine? “Ah ain’t got your boots,” answered Sambo. “Ah traded ’em for a pair of my own.” 4C* : k Another Bark— First Burglar: Hist! What was that? Was it a dog? Second Burglar: No, it was only me barking my shins aganst a chair. Faded Hopes.— She had just returned from her first visit to a racecourse. “Oh, dear!” she groaned. “I put all my spare money on a jockey wearing a lovely heliotrope blouse!” “Whatever for?” asked a friend. “Because,” she wailed, “up to now I’ve always found heliotrope a fast colour.” *• * -» Just So—The wanderer had returned to his home town after many years abroad. “There is one thing I have looked forward to,” he told a friend, “and that is to go to the theatre and sit up in the dear old gallery again." “There’s no gallery nowadays,” was the reply, “it’s called the balcony.” “What’s the difference?” “Two shillings.” w * *

The New Car.— Father: How many miles to a gallon? Mother: What colour Is the upholstering? Son: How fast will she go? Daughter: Has it a nice-sounding horn? Neighbours: How can they afford it?

* * * , In The Trade —Violet: I’m going to have my eyebrows plucked. It’s fashionable.

Doris: Yes; but isn’t it very expensive? Violet: No; my young man’s going to do it. He’s worked in a poulterer’s for five years.

The Absentee.— Walter was going to have a birthday party, and his mother insisted on his inviting, among others, a neighbour’s boy with whom he had quarrelled. He finally promised he would do so, but on the day of the party the neighbour’s boy failed to turn up. Walter’s mother became suspicious. "Did you invite Charlie?” she asked. “Of course I did, mother; I not only invited him to come; I dared him to.”

How Fortunate.— The Fairy: Oh, what luck—your step suits mine exactly The Fool: I’m awfully glad, y’know, I’m such a rotten dancer. Quite Naturally. —Molly: He looked so stupid when lie proposed to me. Polly: Well, my dear, look what a stupid thing he was doing. * * xOriginai. —The editor of a newspaper became very enthusiastic after reading his society reporter’s story. “Great!” he said. “We’ll make a front page feature of this wedding. The reporter gasped. “But why, sir?” he said. “They are not very prominent people.” "That may be,” replied the other. “But this is the first account of a wedding that you have written up for ages that has not had for the last line: ‘The couple will reside with the bride’s parents’.” * # * No Thanks. —The caddie approached the golfer he had been carrying for the previous day. “I’ve got the ball we lost yesterday at the ninth hole, sir,” he said. “A mate of mine found it.” The golfer instantly put his hand in his pocket. “I’ll give you exactly what you gave him for it,” he suggested. “No thanks,” said the caddie, backing away. “I gave him a black eye.” * * •» Free. —“My mother-in-law has had her face lifted,” said Brown. “I’ll bet that was expensive,” rejoined his friend. “Oh, not at all,” answered Brown, with a grin. “She was looking down the shaft of a service-lift just as the lift came up.”

Worse Than Ever. —To say that Ikey was furious is to express his emotions in a mild form. His friend found him almost too full for words. “Vat is the matter, you ask?” he wailed. “Vy, my small son has on his new shoes, so I tell him to climb stairs two at a time.”

“Veil?” queried his friend. “Veil?” said Ikey.- “No, it is not veil. He climbs stairs three at a time and split his trousers.”

Goings and Comings. —She was putting in a few good -words on her young man’s behalf. Father, however, was not to be coaxed. “No, no, and again, no,” he said repeatedly. "But, father,” she persisted, ‘you must make some allowances for Henry’s shortcomings.” “I’m not kicking about his shortcomings,” said the parent; “what I don’t like is his long staying.”

Whoa.— Dunne: It’s one endless tale of woe with Bantry these days. Bunn: Oh, out of work, eh? Dunne: No. He’s a horse driver. Resource.— Black: Lend me 3d for my tram fare home. White: Sorry, I’ve only got half-a-crown. Black: Good! I’ll take a taxi. * ft & Ground for Suspicion.— The express come to a sudden stop between two stations. A worried-looking man put his head out of the window and shouted: — “Hi, guard! What have we stopped for?” “Somebody’s pulled the alarm signal,” the other answered, “and now we shall probably be held up for an hour or more.” “An hour!” exclaimed the passenger. “But I’m going to be married before noon." The guard regarded him suspiciously. “Look here,” he growled, “you aren’t the fellow who pulled the cord are you?” The Main Cause. —Bobby was met by his aunt while on his way home from school. “How do you like lessons?” she asked. , “Not much,” replied the boy rather abruptly. “Do you have much trouble, then, in school?” she asked, “Quite a lot, aunt,” volunteered the boy. “Tell me,” she went on, “what seems to give you most trouble?” “Teacher,” he shot back without hesitation. , -X* # The Low-Down. —“Too bad that Jim and his girl aren’t good enough for each other.” “What makes you say that?” “I’ve been talking to both families.” * W K ' Little Miss Webster.— Betty was asked to tell what being happy meant. “To be happy,” she said, “is to feel as if you wanted to give all your things to your little sister.” * * * _ T Our Changing eary Willie: Things ’as improved these last few years, Tim. Tired Tim: Owzat?

Weary Willie: Used to call us lazy loafers. Now we’re unfortunate victims ’o the unparalleled trade depression.

al -x- # A Hint: For Men Only.— Wife: Please match this piece of silk for me on your way home, to-day, w r ill you? Husband: At the counter where the beautiful girls work? Wife (interrupting): No, I suppose you really shouldn’t have to shop for me after your work is done, dear. On second thoughts, I w r on’t bother you.

Enlightenment.— “ Taxi, sir?” “Much obliged. I was just wondering what it was.” * * * What Better Course? —The engagement of a daughter had been announced. A friend, calling, -was met at the door by the maid, who announced: No, Miss Alice isn’t at home this afternoon—she has gone to the class. “What class?” inquired the visitor. “You know, Miss Alice is going to be married in the spring,” explained the maid, “and she’s taking a course in domestic silence.” %f * * Irish Precaution.— Mrs Casey: Me sister writes me that every bottle we sent in that box was broken. Are you sure you printed “This side up with care” on it? Casey: Oi am. An’ lest they wouldn’t see it on the top, Oi printed it on the bottom as well. Now Necessities. —Wife: Before we were married you used to send round a dozen roses every week. Husband: Roses are easy. This week I’m going to send round two tons of coal and a joint of beef. -* * 41Narrow Escape. —Briggs, the bachelor. nodded his head a trifle thoughtfully. “See that woman over there, Jack.,, he said. “I owe a great deal of my happiness to her.” “Really!” said Jack, rather puzzled. “How’s that?” “Five years ago I asked her tr marry me,” explained the other. “Yes, and ” asked Jack. “She wouldn’t,” came the reply in tones of relief. * * s Work Spoiled. —Two Jews were standing at a street corner with a certain air of expectation. Presently a fire engine dashed by, whereupon the men exchanged significant glances. Shortly afterwards another fire engine passed, and then another, and at the passing of each there was a further interchange of meaning looks between the tw r o men. After a short interval a salvage car sped past. Turning to his companion, one of the Jews roared: “Confound the fellows! Vy can’t dey mind their own bithnith?” * x- * Not So Easy. —A certain doctor charged 7/6 for the first visit and 5/for subsequent ones. A new patient thought he would save 2/6, so he said when going into the consulting-room: “Good morning, doctor; here I am again!” The doctor looked at him and said: “Oh, yes; you are going on all right. ' Take the same treatment as before.”